Really, this should be an episode ripped from a Travel Channel show. Everyone's having fabulous parties with amazing food and there's even fireworks in the offing, but all of the women are too busy screaming at one another (or watching other women screaming at one another) to notice how great they have it. If anything, we all probably need a glass of Ramona pinot just to get through it.
Now, let's see if I can remember all of the many, many battles that broke out in this episode, because after a certain point I think I developed post-traumatic stress disorder and blacked out. Oh yes, Kristen decided to have a play date with Aviva, which was less playing and more fighting. First, Aviva is deeply offended when Kristen compares a toy with googly eyes to Ramona. Aviva thinks this is disgusting behavior that proves what a she-beast Kristen is. I was kind of thinking Kristen was 1) making a harmless joke and 2) damn if that stupid toy didn't look a lot like Ramona, but whatever Aviva needs to tell herself.
When Kristen decided to tell her new “friend” that she didn't want to get in the middle of the never-ending fight between her and Carole, first Aviva chastised her for being hostile in front of the children — and less than a minute later told Kristen to “shut the f— up.” Really, is there any question that Aviva is batcrap crazy? Because, if nothing else ever happened on the show, this exchange would be proof enough.
Kristen tries to explain to Aviva that, hello, crazy, and Aviva mostly ignores her. It seems that whenever Aviva doesn't like what you're saying she twists your words, puts you on the defensive, and/or screams at you. Sometimes she does it all at once. In an alternative world in which we all aspired to be Darth Vader or criminally insane, she would have an amazing skill set. Ultimately, Aviva maker point — that Kristen shouldn't stick her nose where it doesn't belong — and Kristen realizes that everything the other women have told her about Aviva is pretty on target.
Unfortunately, Kristen doesn't take away the only valid point — that she'd be wise to stay out of the arguments bubbling up among the other women — and at another glamorous shindig she decides to poke another bear — Ramona. She informs the owner of the Singer Stinger (for a second time — the first was during a bocce ball game) that she really should have let Heather know she wasn't going to her party. Ramona responds by making googly eyes (just like that toy!) and ordering Kristen to mind her own beeswax. Kristen, who is getting very skilled at making a gaping fish face of indignation, eventually backs off, though I suspect this argument will flame up like a persistent strain of pink eye at some point.
A fight I wasn't expecting (did I just say that in relation to a “Real Housewives” show? Wait, I take it back) was between Ramona and Sonja. When Sonja, who does not appear entirely lucid, manically informs her pals that her caburlesque act has people around the world begging her to put on a show for them, Ramona has the temerity to tell Sonja that she heard, um, it kind of sucked. LuAnn, who keeps popping up like a rash, adds insult to injury by suggesting Sonja might need to polish her act a bit. The horror!
Sonja, who simply cannot stand the idea that she isn't an incredible talent who is so amazingly capable she doesn't have to rehearse, work from a script or do anything other than shake her ass to make fans faint with delight, loses her fool mind. How DARE Ramona criticize her in any way! She needs support! I didn't know support was another word for lying, but maybe they have a different way of speaking in the Hamptons.
Sonja proceeds to get on the crazy train, informing us that Seinfeld gets raunchy, so she can get raunchy (actually, isn't Seinfeld's reputation that he doesn't get raunchy?) and she's a natural born comedic genius. Again, it seems that in the Hamptons the more that people laugh at you, the more talented you really are. Wow, good to know!
Ramona, who is completely freaked out by the fact Sonja seems one good twist from stripping naked and running into traffic, apologizes profusely until she and Crazypants reach a half-hearted detente. LuAnn also apologizes, which Sonja doesn't accept as readily, instead calling her a drag queen once she's out of earshot. Keeping it classy, Sonja!
The finale fight is between Aviva and Carole, because everyone feels that old throw rug of a battle hasn't been beaten into the ground sufficiently, and what's the Fourth of July without fireworks? Actually, there will be real fireworks, but yelling is so much more fun!
The Reader's Digest version of this is that Carole still hates Aviva, Aviva wants to be forgiven, and when Heather somehow pushes them both to rewind to the beginning of their relationship when Aviva was simply a fan of Carole's, Aviva has to grind it into Carole's face that she's read a galley of Carole's book (she has connections, yo!). Carole looks stricken, as if book galleys are like TSA body scans or nudie pictures, and Aviva doesn't look particularly sincere when she tells Carole it's a great book. So, if the goal (at least for Heather) was for Carole and Aviva to agree to disagree, I think they can at least agree the other is a stone cold bitch.
Oh, and Ramona poses with her dog Coco to make a calendar of nightmares for her daughter, and Heather's son Jax gets the thumbs-up for ear surgery. I suspect everyone else on this show will probably need some tinkering on that front soon, because these women clearly aren't listening to each other now.
Do you think Carole's right, or Aviva is? Do you think Sonja is insane or a comedic genius? Do you think Kristen needs to butt?