‘Real Housewives of Orange County’: Are you Team Alexis or Tamra?

04.30.13 4 years ago


In theory, everyone attended Tamra’s dinner party to celebrate the opening of her gym and watch a psychic clear the place of bad spirits. But man alive, the only really bad spirits in the place were the girls themselves, who could only stop screaming at one another long enough to misinterpret what everyone else was saying. 

In short (and really, it could not be short enough), Alexis still feels she’s being bullied, Tamra thinks Vicki has betrayed her, Vicki thinks Tamra has anger management issues, Gretchen doesn’t like Vicki for all sorts of reasons, Lydia thinks all these bitches cray-cray, and Heather just wants to go home, I think. I would hope everyone had guzzled enough booze to black out and forget the whole evening ever happened, but no such luck, because the ladies each find someone else to bitch to about why they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Really, my deepest sympathies lie with the significant others and family members of these women, who have to listen to a play-by-play only slightly more tedious than an extremely detailed recounting of a curling match. 

I cannot imagine what Lydia must be thinking, having been thrown into the deep end of crazy housewifery hard, like Louie Anderson on “Splash” hard. Poor thing. She keeps trying to be sensible and reasonable and really, she might as well try to teach math to a fish. She offers to help Alexis unpack and takes the opportunity to tell her that everyone needs to be “a functional human being and sit down and talk about it.” She says this to Alexis. Yeah, stop laughing. She was serious. Like I said, poor thing.

Lydia keeps trying, though. She likes everyone and can’t understand why they can’t get along! God says you must have unlimited forgiveness! I feel like this is the scene before the sweet little squirrel in the animated movie is squashed like a bug. Alexis does not want to be forgiving. She’s had to take Xanax! Her world is full! 

At the dinner, Tamra wanted to know if Vicki was Team Alexis or Team Tamra. Vicki insisted she was Switzerland, or Team Vicki, which isn’t really Switzerland but an island of lunacy all its own. Probably expensive and with really nutso visa requirements. 

I’m not sure which team I’m on. I think Team Tamra might win a lot of games and be fun right up until the point Tamra stuck an icepick in my head for a perceived slight, while Team Alexis would provide all the Xanax I can eat, but wouldn’t have many other positives. I might try to join Team Lydia, though I suspect that, with a little more time spent on the show, she might choose to sneak out in the middle of the night to escape all this silliness. Maybe she can take the rest of us with her. 

Are you Team Alexis, Team Tamra or are you on another team altogether? Do you think Lydia will be able to broker piece among the housewives? And do you think Vicki needs to give up on Brooks or fight her daughter to keep him? 

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