If you watched Wednesday's “Big Brother,” you know that Pao-Pao thinks “Caltoru” is a word — She was trying to spell Cthulu, I assume.
You also know that Duck Donesty was never a soldier, but Caleb is convinced that Donny's ex-military because of something related to the hair, or lack thereof, on his legs.
And you finally know that Joey isn't so great at this. America's Favorite Player before the season, Joey attempted to start an all-girl alliance. She failed to find any takers. Then she went around apologizing to everybody for forming an all-girl alliance. Then she got put on the block by Caleb, either as punishment for trying to start an all-girl alliance, punishment for apologizing about being in an all-girl alliance, or punishment for not being a very good “Big Brother” player.
Take your pick!
Let's get down to Thursday (July 3) business…
9:01 p.m. Hi Julie Chen. We've missed you these past couple shows.
9:03 p.m. It's Joey and Pao-Pao on The Block as we start Thursday's episode. What happens to America's Alliance if Joey's the first person sent packing? And boy, America misgauged that, didn't I/you/we?
9:04 p.m. Team America. Not America's Alliance. Sorry.
9:05 p.m. Caleb tells Joey not to take it personal, which is ridiculous. In what way was that not personal? In what way would anybody believe it wasn't personal? Of course it was personal. It's not strategic to get rid of somebody who is so clearly without guile and equally clearly can't really play.
9:07 p.m. Seven is Joey's lucky number. She was born on February 7 and that's how many votes she needs. So she's feeling confident. And Nicole is feeling confident that she's getting her tan right and that Joey clearly doesn't know how to play the game, which might make her an asset.
9:08 p.m. In order to deflect attention from The Bomb Squad, Devin is going around making it clear that the game needs to be unanimous. Telling EVERYBODY. One at a time. Nobody else understands the need for unanimity, but I feel like Devin read the same LBJ biography that I'm reading. LBJ liked things to be unanimous, even if they didn't technically need to be, because it was a reflection on his power. Back to Joey, who isn't like LBJ at all, but is lobbying to get at least a few votes. Zach is apologetic, but tells Joey that he's going with the house.
9:12 p.m. “Being a feminist, I need to do something big. I need to do something crazy to get the votes I need,” says Joey. And indeed she does do something crazy. She puts on makeup and gives herself a beard and goes around as “Alex,” her manly-man alter-ego. She even gets a bulge for her shorts or, rather, Hayden's shorts. Joey probably thought that Tony was a very successful character on “Orphan Black.” Alex lifts weights and likes to yell at people and thrust her stuffed crotch at them. Only Nicole is simultaneously laughing at Alex, but also taking his arguments seriously. Pao-Pao is getting smug, speculating that Joey may have lost it. “I ain't lost it. I just found it, baby,” he declares.
9:14 p.m. Alex does not speak for all feminists.
9:18 p.m. Ruh-roh. I had Slingbox problems and apparently I missed a really crazy segment. I may need to go back to watch it on Pacific time. [UPDATE: Ah. The segment was about Caleb's vaguely crazed lust/love/destiny for Amber. “I watch you reading your Bible…”]
9:20 p.m. I have no clue what Joey's argument is based on, though she says that she's stronger and smarter than Pao-Pao, except for in the ways in which she's not. “Well, thanks Joey for saying that I suck in competitions,” Pao-Pao says. She wants to share her “funness” and her big heart. She could have just held up a sign that says, “Sane.”
9:22 p.m. Time to vote. Will Devin get his unanimous vote? Well, Devin starts by voting to evict Joey. Derrick also votes to evict Joey, as does Frankie. Cody votes to evict Joey.
9:26 p.m. It's 4-0 for Joey so far. Zach makes it 5-0 and Brittany makes it 6-0. Nicole isn't wearing her glasses, so will she make a dumb vote? She also votes to evict Joey and Devin is going to get his shutout, isn't he? Christine votes to evict Joey, as do Victoria, Jocasta and Hayden. Amber and Donny vote to evict Joey as well. Sigh. Unanimous = Boring.
9:29 p.m. By a vote of 13-0, Joey is voted out. She initially looks shocked, then recovers. So maybe Alex was shocked, but Joey saw this coming? The crowd is very enthusiastic about Joey's arrival. I have no idea why. Do “Big Brother” fans just love blue hair? And why is Brittany crying? I get Pao-Pao's emotion, I suppose.
9:31 p.m. “I am surprised!” Joey says. “I thought that I'd rallied up an all-girl alliance,” she says, semi-sarcastically. “I wasn't exactly down-low about it,” she admits of her alliance-failing. Joey says that the people in the “Big Brother” house represent “the normal samples of the demographics of the world,” says a woman who lives in a weird world. She wishes the hamsters would have more “gonaddies.” Why the heck did Joey confess to everybody? She explains that she thought everybody knew. “It was comedic relief,” Joey says, adding that Alex was an all-new alter-ego.
9:33 p.m. Frankie loves Joey as a human, but tells her she wasn't ready for this game. Pao-Pao's not going to miss Alex. Nicole loved Alex. Caleb tells Joey about The Bomb Squad and “You just got blew up, baby girl.” “And you're stupid,” Joey yells at the screen. Joey insists that she could smell the alliance on Caleb. Julie drops some truth on Joey, telling her that somebody in the house is an undercover cop and somebody is a brother of a famous pop star and then tells her to go home and watch “Big Brother” to find out who. That was cold, Julie. Then again, I guess she could have said, “Bing It” instead.
9:37 p.m. So anyway… Team America? That was fun, right?
9:41 p.m. Time to crown the first of our two Head of Households for the week. It's Greek Week and we're gonna go sorority versus fraternity. Up first? The sorority girls. It's called BB Rager and it begins with a balance beam. They then have to move six kegs across the lawn. Meanwhile, the frat brothers will be pelting them with frisbees. Amber gets out to an early lead… And she wins with relative ease. Score one for the Bomb Squad. That was absurdly easy for Amber. Will the guys at least have trouble with the balance beam portion?
9:47 p.m. Hayden and Donny are the two guys not in the Bomb Squad, right? That means I'm rooting for them. Hard.
9:50 p.m. Frat boys are up. Derrick goes out fast, while Hayden takes a bit of an early lead. On the verge of winning, Hayden falls off the beam and Cody slips in to win. Nuts.
9:52 p.m. What? There may have been a foul?
9:53 p.m. America loves Duck Donesty. He's part of the Team America alliance, which is now an alliance of one. “He makes me very happy. It makes me a little emotional. And I'm very appreciative,” says Donny, on the verge of tears because he didn't come from an emotional family and America just hugged him.
9:57 p.m. HOLY COW! Cody fouled! Cody fouled! He's not the HoH at all. This changes everything. And Devin is the new HoH.
9:58 p.m. “It's good. I mean, you know,” Pao-Pao says of surviving tonight's vote. We can't listen in on the contestants live because this season's competitors are incapable of not swearing.
So… Joey gone. Sad? Donny as the new Team America whatever. Excited? Amber and… Devin as HoHs. Care?