Recap: ‘Sleepy Hollow’ – ‘Paradise Lost’ but still can’t lose Katrina’s bad choices

donna-dickens
Deputy Entertainment Editor
01.06.15

FOX

Welcome back! I hope everyone had a good Winter Holiday Of Their Choosing™ because it”s back to the grind. Especially for soldiers in the war against determined but inept evil.

Last time we saw the gang, Team Henry had pulled off a Hail Mary save, with the Horseman of War turning on his master and killing Moloch. But with cryptic phrases like “There were Horsemen before you, there will be Horsemen after you,” the words of Beyonce ring true: Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable.

Meanwhile, Captain Irving is dead and the Horseman of Death is still in chains beneath Sleepy Hollow. How will Henry”s change of heart affect the Crane family dynamic? Let”s find out!

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We open seconds after we last left off. Ichabod is seeing flashes of lights because demons die like a flash bang. Basic demon biology here, guys. Duh. Also, the horns are fire resistant so I hope someone makes a killer Viking drinking horn from their fallen enemy.

Ichabod cries out twice for his wife in an outdoor whisper, then gives up and shouts in relief that Abbie is okay. This marriage is doomed. Katrina is here though, she was just off camera. I guess Moloch”s death flung her from her tied up perch on the tree? Or she”s up to no good. I mean, no one can be that dangerously naive about saving people from their poor life choices, can they? (Spoiler: They can.) Jenny also survived the ordeal and everyone just assumes Henry is dead and rides off into the sunset.

Sloppy work that surely won”t come back to bite them in the ass.

Six weeks later, Abbie is trying to explain “organic” food and farmer”s markets to a man to whom farm-to-table was a fact of life and not a privilege of the economically well-off. Though I call bullshit on Ichabod”s aversion to the grapple: farmer”s have been tinkering with produce since time immemorial. It just didn”t involve syringes. The weekly “Man Out of Time” bit is ruined when Crane spots a brimstone and worm infested apple. It”s all the proof he needs to declare evil is gestating again. What is it with this show and the pregnancy metaphors? I mean, childbirth is painful and sucks, but it”s not EVIL.

Back at the Exposition Library, Ichabod is getting his detective on: rotten apples are just the latest clue pointing to something fishy going down at Wilcox Farms. Abbie is all “Calm down, Nancy Drew,” before changing the subject. Turns out Ichabod has been sleeping at the library while Katrina lives at the cabin and hangs out with Abraham. Either Crane is in denial about the state of his marriage or…yeah, it”s denial. Girlfriend is choosing the Avatar of Death over her husband. Does she need to leave a blood red lipstick mirror good-bye?

Abbie is too good of a friend to point out the obvious and off we go to check out the supernatural hijinks on the old Wilcox farm. An hour later, our heroes have found nothing. So is this farm abandoned? Because trespassing without a warrant is still frowned on. With nothing else to focus on, Abbie tentatively broaches the subject that they”re tilting at windmills and the danger is over. Girl, what part of SEVEN YEARS did you not understand? Right on cue, ominous evil chanting and light emanates from the barn. The barn with a cow skull covered in a bloody pentagram that”s just sitting outside in plain sight. Were you guys even LOOKING? Who misses that?

Chagrinned by their subpar investigation skills, Ichabod and Abbie skulk over to check it out. Inside the barn, the offspring of a Jawa and Darth Maul wear standard cultist robes and beseech the tiny fire to send them a new master. At least that”s what they”re doing until our heroes open fire. Just as I”m admiring the high quality make-up effects, the show kicks it up another notch with an angel. Complete with resplendent wings. Resplendent BLACK wings. Huh. Well, let”s reserve judgement. Perhaps they”re subverting the trope…OH MY GOD, that angel stole Xena”s chakram. I”ll forgive a lot of things, but nobody steals the Warrior Princess”s bit!

Not-Xena chases off the demons, pops his wings into whatever dimensional portal they live in when the budget can”t afford to animate them, and introduces himself. His name is Orion and he”s on a mission to track down and kill all the creatures that escaped from Purgatory when Moloch died. He knows they escaped because that”s when he, Moloch”s prisoner, also fled for the mortal plane. Welcome to the party, this year”s over-arcing storyline!

Meanwhile, underneath the city Katrina is visiting Abraham, which includes a silencing spell drawn with a glow stick. Neat. She”s determined to find a way to separate his body from the avatar of Death and revert him to human form. Ugh, her Pollyanna streak remains unbroken. Then the show goes a step too far. Katrina says she knows it”s her fault that Abraham turned to the forces of darkness. If she hadn”t fallen in love with Crane, then Abraham”s jealousy issues never would”ve gotten out of control.

EXCUSE ME? NO. DANGER DANGER. Abraham is a grown-ass man who made terrible life choices. Full stop.

Still reeling from this garbage, we return to Ichabod and Abbie who are sizing up their potential angel ally. Abbie gets a call from Jenny, and had to cancel Mission: Get Jenny Laid due to demon infestation. But now Jenny is going to call Southern Gentleman Aquaman, so everything went better than expected. Then Ichabod gets a text from Katrina and leaves reluctantly. Angels should be trustworthy but then again, Lucifer was an angel.

Putting off every “DON”T TRUST ME” signal in the universe, Orion tells Abbie he doesn”t remember dinosaurs because that was before he broke rank to come to Earth. So, an avenging angel with a dark wings, a chip on his shoulder, and a propensity to break the rules. This is some compelling evidence to at least back off on initiating Orion into the club.

We pop over to watch Katrina attempt to convince her husband to save her former fiancé turned Horseman of the Apocalypse without it looking like it”s because she wants to bone him. It”s only kind of effective. Katrina confesses she thinks there is still good in Abraham and Ichabod is a saint for not shaking her until this flower child good witch nonsense rattles loose from her brain.

Orion fills Abbie and the audience in on what was going on with the Darth Jawa barn demons. With Moloch dead, they need a new master to serve. So they”ve been vetting a new leader. I guess like a demon Pope? And surprise! Who got the white smoke of approval? The Headless Horseman. So Orion is going to kill him with Xena”s chakram.

In a slightly more life or death situation, Jenny is working Mike the bartender and seems to be making progress when BAM! Box-blocked by a jealous Hawley. Does this mean they”re dropping the weird love triangle involving SGA and the Mills” sisters? I sure hope so. But Hawley didn”t show up just to give Jenny lady blue balls. He also brought a rock. A Sumerian rock that was produced when a demon sexed up a mountain and got it pregnant because mythology. It can track demons, if only they can figure out how to turn it on (not like that).

Missing every sign that Orion is a bad angel, Abbie instead focuses on the “kill the Headless Horseman” part and leads her new friend straight to the holding cell. For her trouble, Orion gifts Abbie with a mini-chakram Christmas ornament she can use to summon him. He also commends her for reinventing her role as a Witness into a proactive soldier against the forces of evil. Only he says it in such a way that it feels as if he approves of her breaking stupid, restrictive rules. Red flags all over this guy. He is a walking red flag.

There”s a clash of goals when Abbie announces to the group that Orion can end this by killing Abraham. Clearly Katrina doesn”t want this, and Ichabod wants whatever will fix his marriage short of entering into a open relationship. Abbie just wants everyone to stop taking stupid pills. While Crane tries to persuade Abbie otherwise, Katrina slips off to free Abraham from his chains. But she makes him promise not to kill anyone while she tries to turn him human again.

Are. You. Serious? BAN KATRINA.

When the gang figures out what Katrina has done, they are understandably pissed. Orion because he needs to kill Headless, Ichabod because wow that”s the kind of gesture that penetrates even the deepest denial, and Abbie because now they have to deal with the Horseman of Death being loose on top of two Darth Jawa demons running amok.

Sometime the next morning, Hawley and Jenny are still trying to learn the secrets of the Sumerian demon tracker. Instead, they get into a fight over SGA”s jealousy issues coupled with his fear of commitment. All of it adds up to a big screw you buddy from Jenny. But her justified annoyance gives Hawley an idea. He busts open the rock, which is actually a clay pot, and finds the real tracker. No charging requires.

What do your Aquaman Eyes see, Hawley?

The demons are at the carriage house worshipping their new master, the Horseman of Death. Jenny calls Abbie with the information, hilariously relaying it as “They”re with the Horseman, at his place.” I like that he has a place, a lair if you will. Also that he went STRAIGHT THERE and no one thought to look for him at his house.

Time being of the essence, Ichabod goes to get the dirt on Orion because seriously, you vet people before you let them on your team or you end up with a Katrina situation. While he does that, Abbie summons Captain Planet Orion with the chakram ornament so they can kill Abraham. But not so fast! Ichabod calls and it turns out Orion might not be a good angel. You don”t freakin” say? He seemed like such a stand-up and mentally stable guy. But Crane”s research shows that Orion tends to turn up right before catastrophic events, like Pompeii or the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah. Either he”s causing these events or is an utter failure at rescue missions and should be fired.

At the carriage house, the Darth Jawas bleed themselves to give their master power while Abraham burns all his weapons like a teenager burns photos of their first ex.

Things come to a head when Orion reveals himself to be the villain by monologuing. He wants to kill Abraham so he can BECOME death. Humanity must be judged for it is evil and must be purged like a boil. Fire and brimstone practically rain from Orion”s eyes as he preaches the mantra of the zealot. Clearly, this is not his first time at the “Kill All Humans” rodeo.

Abbie immediately regrets her decision. Too late though, we”re gonna have a good old-fashioned immortal fight. Orion and Abraham clash like titans. Ichabod shows up to help Abbie dispatch of the Darth Jawas. Headless was an adventurer until his took a chakram to the back.

For drama, the chakram doesn”t instantly kill him. It must drain his life essence or something first. Which gives Abbie time to distract Orion by pleading for the life of the innocent. When that fails, she uses bullets. Fun fact: Angels are bulletproof. But they aren”t axe-proof!

The distraction works, leaving Ichabod enough time to take up the Horseman of Death”s axe and shatter the chakram. Freed of his slow demise, Headless chases off Orion like you”d shoo a crow off your deck. I”m sure we haven”t seen the last of that angel.

With the Monster of the Week™ vanquished, Abraham keeps his promise to Katrina and does not murder Ichabod and Abbie. But he does tell them to get the hell out of his house. Fair.

Later, Katrina attempts to sex her way to forgiveness with her husband. It”s not very effective. Abbie asks Ichabod if things are better in his marriage. The denial forces him to say both that things have “gone sideways” and that somehow that”s “an improvement.” Oh honey, no.

Abbie admits that Katrina was right to let Abraham go. Well, that was the writers forcing her to say that. No. No Katrina wasn”t right. The Headless Horseman is still out there, only now with escaped Purgatory convicts wanting to worship him as the new Moloch. I repeat, ban Katrina.

We end with a zombie shuffling into a local gas station. Just kidding! It”s Captain Frank Irving, somehow back from the dead. He”s just as confused about that as everyone else.

So, what did you guys think? Will Abbie use the mini Chakram to call Orion again? Is Henry really gone and if so, is Irving the new Horseman of War? Exactly how dumb is Katrina?

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Mother. Wife. Geek. Writer. Succinct. Donna Dickens has been writing for the Internet for almost a decade. She has a particular love of Star Wars, Sailor Moon, and the dark lord Cthulhu. Her favorite color is Octarine.

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