Following last week’s blow-up between NeNe and Sheree, it seems that things have simply gotten too hot in Atlanta for NeNe. As Cynthia informed us, NeNe is really just a sensitive little flower under the surface, so it should come as no surprise that she would scurry out of town, muttering expletives and screaming “I’M RICH, BITCH!” to anyone who will listen, to soothe her poor, battered psyche. That NeNe, she’s just too delicate for this world.
In any case, she’s not too delicate for Miami Beach, because that’s where she’s headed with Kandi and Cynthia for a girls’ getaway weekend. And, as befits a girls’ getaway weekend, the three immediately check in to their hotel, flop onto the bed in one of their rooms and start talking about having sex. Of course, they might have wanted to hold off on this conversation until AFTER the poor bellhop, whom they’ve completely forgotten about, has left the room. Instead, he’s left to ask them if they need anything else in a slightly strained voice, probably because he’s afraid NeNe will growl, “Yes, YOU” and pounce on him, before they give him a tip and let him run for his life.
Back in Atlanta, Kroy and Sweetie are planning a surprise birthday for Kim. She’s going to be 33, which she seems to think is the worst thing that will be happening to her this week. Considering it looks like she’s going to squeeze out a baby at any moment, I’d think that might be a larger concern than an extra candle on the old birthday cake, but okay.
Death obsessed Phaedra goes to Willie Watkins to ask for advice on how to open her own mortuary. She wants to leave a legacy for Ayden, and besides that, she just loves this funeral business. Willie warns her that her outfit, though it is fabulous and it is Chanel, is too short. She busts out her prayer cloth, which she always carries with her for modesty purposes. Or it’s just a big handkerchief she keeps in her purse, but in any case, she’s quickly funeral-ready. I think Willie is impressed, because he agrees to mentor her. Phaedra’s over the moon, because Willie is a rock star, at least in the mortuary business. I never really thought of the mortuary business as having rock stars, but I guess Willie’s as close to a Lady Gaga for the dead as you’re going to get.
Our gaggle of girls in Miami Beach talk, very briefly, about the fight with Sheree. Kandi seems a little appalled that NeNe made that comment about being rich to Sheree, but NeNe insists she really is rich, so there. Kandi’s clearly skeptical, though, and I have to admit that I am, too. Reality TV pays, but it doesn’t pay that well. I mean, yes, she was on “Celebrity Apprentice,” but let’s face it, it’s NBC.
During their linner (or dunch, whatever — they’re just eating at some random time of day when Bravo could get the space to themselves), the girls are approached by two women who inform them that it’s Lesbian Pride weekend in Miami Beach. So that explains all the women at the hotel! NeNe admits she is confused by lesbian girls, though this does not mean she’s bi-curious, mind you. As she explains, she is “strictly dickly.” Thank you, NeNe, for spelling that out.
Sheree and her 14-year-old son Kairo go shopping for cleats. She tries to ask him about girls and dating, and Kairo, who is already basketball player-tall, tries to disappear into the floor. Sheree wishes his dad spent time with him and wrestled with him, and I wish he’d spend time with him so he doesn’t have to talk about the huge embarrassment of being a teenager with a camera recording every word. Sheree thinks he’s shy. I think he’s smart and has boundaries.
Because it’s a fun girls’ weekend, NeNe decides she wants to look at houses. That’s fun for everyone! The first one they see is listed for $9 million. Kandi doesn’t think NeNe’s ready to spend that type of money, which is Kandi’s tactful way of saying she thinks NeNe is off her damn rocker. Cynthia, on the other hand, wants her to buy it so she can vacation there. Cynthia is shaping up to be one hell of a suck up.
After they look at real estate, it’s off to the beach. NeNe pushes Kandi to take off her cover up — then snipes that her thighs are huge in her one-on-one. NeNe never stops finding new reasons for me to hate her. Wanting to get the conversation off of the topic of her butt, Kandi asks NeNe how long she has to date before she has sex. Then, she and Kandi dive into a conversation about sex, sex toys, oral sex and lesbianism while Cynthia looks stricken. Cynthia is a married woman — she can’t be talking about sex! Because why, she thinks you stop having sex after you get a ring? Of course, we’ve seen the old goat Cynthia’s married to, so maybe that’s true.
Now that they’re in hormonal overload, the girls find some guys to play frisbee with and make vague plans to hook up that evening. Cynthia will be, I suppose, the designated driver and den mother. We’ll never know, because either this didn’t come together or Bravo just didn’t film it.
Sheree and Kim go for steaks. They talk about NeNe, of course. Sheree notes that NeNe burns through friends at an extremely fast pace and she suspects something is wrong with her. She just figured that out?
Phaedra talks to her husband Apollo about her funeral passion. She loves the dead because they’re so quiet! Big props to Phaedra for not only being funny in a sick way, but being honest. She likes money and she likes dead people, and what could be wrong with that? Plenty, according to Apollo. He does relocation and asset recovery (which honestly doesn’t sound like much more fun than dead people), and he doesn’t want this mortuary business getting in his way. He doesn’t share Phaedra’s passion for the dead, and honestly, he seems to think it’s a tad creepy. I’m not sure if Apollo is the right guy for Phaedra, especially when he calls her fat and pretends to slug her in the face like he’s some thick-skulled 15-year-old boy.
So, Operation Surprise Kim But Not So Much That She Pees on the Floor is in effect. Kroy takes Kim out for her birthday dinner… and starts talking about guns and teaching their unborn son to shoot. This is not a hit with Kim, who does not relish the idea of her little boy shooting squirrels in the backyard. Kroy quickly changes the subject by giving her a ridiculous diamond bracelet which is both exceptionally ugly AND exceptionally expensive. Kim is, of course, thrilled, so she immediately has to pee. And complain that the baby is pressing on her vagina. This I did not need to know.
Kandi, Phaedra and Sheree show up for Kim’s surprise birthday party. Kim’s happy and, luckily, she pees before she walks into the kitchen, so no puddles! During the party, the girls talk about NeNe. Or rather, Sheree and Kim talk about NeNe. Kandi laughs but otherwise stays out of it. Kandi knows that she’s only recently become sort-of friends with NeNe, so she’s not going to take any chances. Of course, we know NeNe will blow up with her eventually and there’s really nothing Kandi can do about it, but I appreciate her optimism.
At the party, there’s fun and margaritas (for everyone but Kim — happy birthday!) and a Louis Vuitton bag-cake. It’s all good fun and a surprisingly happy ending for a surprisingly mellow episode. But we can assume this week is just a breather before next week’s guy-on-guy battle at Kim’s baby shower. I can’t imagine what the guys are fighting about, but that’s much more likely to end in fisticuffs than a housewife fight (no weaves to pull), so brace yourselves.
Do you think NeNe’s as rich as she thinks she is? Do you think Apollo will warm up to the mortuary business? And do you think Kandi can stay on NeNe’s good side?