Welcome to tonight’s very special “Taylor loses her damn mind” episode! But we have to build up to the full-bore craziness that breaks out at Brandi’s ill-conceived beach party (“I thought I’d get all the girls together! In a small space! With lots of alcohol! It’ll be FUN!). I mean, you can’t just dive into this kind of mental breakdown without some build up. And “RHoBH” is nothing if not good at the slow burn. Still, strap on your straight jackets; it’s going to be a bumpy ride to Crazy Town.
Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – “Malibu Beach Party from Hell’
To kick things off, we start on a happy, fluffy note — the endless preparations for Lisa’s, I mean Pandora’s wedding. Wedding planner from hell Kevin Lee fluffs flowers and place settings in preparation for presenting Lisa and Pandora with three potential table settings for the wedding, melodramatically sighing, “She has such over-the-top taste,” as if Lisa 1) had wanted a ridiculous circus of a wedding for her daughter and 2) over-the-top is a bad thing. We know this guy wants nothing more than to bedeck the whole event in pink feather boas, disco balls and possibly diamond-encrusted, scantily-clad waiters, so I think he should just stop pretending he’s following orders.
Meanwhile, Lisa should stop pretending Pandora has any input into her own wedding. “We (I) want something crystally-white and pink,” Lisa sighs, noting that her daughter will most likely have the wedding she always wanted to have. Which is why I’m still thinking someone needs to slip Pandora a note that reads, “ELOPE. NOW.”
In another “only in Beverly Hills” moment, Kyle and her mother-in-law Estella go to see Paul for Estella’s final facelift check-up. Paul thinks she looks great. Kyle thinks she looks great. Estella thinks she looks great. All I can tell that’s different about Estella is that she’s wearing lipstick. On the one hand, this is a good thing, as she does not look like the Wildenstein cat woman and still appears to be herself. On the other hand, she could have saved herself a lot of pain, money and time and just bought herself some lipstick a few months earlier.
Estella’s makeover has Kyle pondering the existential points of plastic surgery. She wishes everyone would drop the fillers and the Botox and fight fair. What? Didn’t she JUST go to Adrienne’s spa day and get massaged with some sort of age-defying laser? Is that fighting fair? And by the way, stop that crazy talk! Don’t you know they behead heretics for saying things like that in Beverly Hills? A gang of plastic surgeons comes to your house, cuts off your head and then injects your cold, dead noggin full of Restylane until you look well-rested from the jawline up. Of course, Paul doesn’t know that Kyle is not feeling pro-surgery at the moment. He points out the big ol’ wrinkles on her forehead and suggests that he can fix those right up. I notice that Kyle does not exactly say no to this.
Adrienne meets with a less-gimpy Brandi. Brandi still wants to have a party and she’s apparently going to pitch it to every single one of the housewives before she actually commits to the damn thing. Luckily, this time she’s thinking she may not invite a porn star to give oral sex lessons, but instead will opt for a belly dancer. Adrienne gives her approval. Then, Adrienne asks about the guest list and warns Brandi that Camille and Taylor might not get along so well. Brandi tilts her head like a slightly deaf cocker spaniel. But we’re going to have fun! I’ll have catering and wine! They’ll get along fabulously! Of course, Brandi’s idea of a party where everyone gets along just may be one that doesn’t end in a shooting or assault charges.
Kyle and her ladysitter Justin get ready for Cinco de Mayo. Kyle bitches at her husband Mauricio for wearing the wrong shoes with his pants. He changes. The party goes fabulously. Why we’re watching this, I don’t know. We know Kyle’s bossy and high-strung; let’s move on. Oh, her mother-in-law needs to tell everyone she looks at herself and doesn’t notice a difference. Me, neither. Don’t you want to notice a difference after a facelift?
Lisa goes to see the addition to Sur. It’s a mess, and there are only four weeks until the opening. Lisa’s panicked, but her contractor, Wayne, tells her she looks pretty, which he apparently believes will smooth things over. Lisa, to her credit, knows he’s full of crap and pretty much tells him so. That kind of B.S. might work on other housewives, but Lisa is not a dumb bunny, Wayne!
Kyle doesn’t think Kim should go to Brandi’s party. Kim doesn’t want to go to Brandi’s party. So, she’s not going to Brandi’s party. And thus concludes our interaction with Kim this week. But I swear, she’s got to get rid of that orange-and-white tie-neck shirt from 1987. It screams “I picked this out of the trash behind the Goodwill and it goes perfectly with my plastic bag skirt and shopping cart.”
Camille is worried about seeing Taylor and Lisa at the party. She brings two friends for defense, I mean, emotional back-up. Honestly, I don’t blame Camille. All she did was point out the truth — that Taylor’s husband BEATS HER. Taylor’s problem, it seems, is with the husband who BEATS HER, not the person who says, um, you know, you keep telling us about this husband who BEATS YOU. This season, I’ve been feeling pretty bad for Camille, who has worked very, very hard to stay out of the fray — and thanks to Crazypants Taylor, she’s getting pulled right back in. It’s like she’s Al Pacino, but with better hair.
Everyone starts showing up to Brandi’s friends’ house (she couldn’t have a party at her house, so she co-opted her pal’s place in Malibu). Wait, is that Jennifer from “Sober House” and “Celebrity Rehab”? I know, she has legit acting credits, but those kind of stick in your head.
Taylor and Kyle arrive late — and Taylor gives Camille a big, long hug. But apparently Taylor isn’t “feeling it emotionally” with Camille. I want to think that this is a healing moment, but you know it’s not. Taylor’s probably just checking Camille for weapons or to find out where her liver is so she can punch it strategically.
Brandi flits through the party, trying (oh, she’s so trying) to be a good hostess. She tries to make nice with Kyle by telling everyone about her hot husband, and how she’s jealous of the fact that he and Kyle have been together for 17 years. Kyle does not appreciate the hot husband talk. This is the first sign that Kyle is a terrible party guest, but more on that later.
The girls congregate on the couch — and Kyle has to get snarky about the fact Brandi isn’t wearing a bra under her white halter jumpsuit. Okay, fine, she’s not, but Brandi also has the kind of body that makes it possible for her to pull it off, mostly. More importantly, Kyle, she’s your HOST. Don’t be a bitch.
Everyone is drinking large quantities, and Brandi finally decides everyone’s wasted enough to tackle the belly dancing lesson. Kyle demands bells on her scarf. Kyle pretends she’s at Studio 54. Kyle shimmies and shakes like she’s having a seizure. Kyle has to show off the fact she can do a split. Brandi thinks she’s a big attention pig, and Brandi is not wrong. And then Kyle has to shine a laser on Brandi’s boobs and make cracks about her headlights. Oh, come on! How old are we? Twelve? I hope Kyle is pretty close to drunk, because if she’s not, she’s going to have to write a nice letter of apology and bring over cupcakes tomorrow.
But wait! Kyle’s extreme narcissism and seething jealousy is only the tip of the iceberg! Taylor can’t ignore Camille. She doesn’t think people understand the gravity of the situation she’s dealing with. What, Camille’s comments or her husband beating the crap out of her? Personally, I’d go with the latter but I think Taylor is so incredibly messed up she thinks it’s the former.
Camille’s friend Dedra try to come to her defense when Taylor makes a snide comment about betrayal and trust, hint hint, nudge nudge. Just for the record, Dedra may be as high strung, drunk and generally crazy as Taylor, so this is a toxic mix. Taylor thinks Camille put her daughter in danger. What? Wait, she’s not done! Taylor also thinks Camille has been the catalyst to things that may hurt her. No, Russell is the catalyst to things that may hurt Taylor. Needless to say, Dedra thinks this is all batcrap crazy and tries to convince Taylor she’s way off target. Bad idea.
Aack, commercial break! Are you going to watch “Watch What Happens: Live”? Taylor will be on! Man, this I’ve got to see. I will hand it to Taylor — most people would not want to show their face in public after they’ve melted down the way she does in this episode. Actually, most people would have had drastic plastic surgery, moved to Belize and started a new life surrounded by pet monkeys.
Taylor continues her fight with Dedra. Taylor demands that Camille go outside with her. For some reason, this make Dedra insane with rage. Camille, looking shellshocked, walks outside, tells Taylor she didn’t ask Dedra to scream at her, and offers to talk to her. So, of courseTaylor refuses to talk to Camille.
Somehow, probably because everyone’s halfway blotto and Dedra and Taylor have brought enough crazy to the party to fuel a Charlie Sheen house party, a full-scale fight breaks out. Brandi tries to talk to Taylor, which becomes yelling hysterically at Taylor. Adrienne tries to stop the fight — by yanking Brandi away from Taylor like an angry pro wrestler on a testosterone binge. Taylor pretends to jump off the patio after Kyle warns her not to get too close to the edge lest she, you know, die. I’d love to say I can tell exactly who is saying what, but let’s just say that EVERYONE is screaming at EVERYONE ELSE.
Camille watches, looking stunned. “I hate drama,” she says, the only calm person in the room.
Everyone yells at Taylor, telling her to “CALM DOWN!” Oddly enough, that’s not so effective. Dedra comes unhinged first — she won’t let anyone be mean to Camille after the year she’s had! It’s NOT FAIR! This makes Taylor come unglued, as Dedra has NO IDEA what Camille has DONE TO HER! You know, like TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT HER CRAPPY MARRIAGE AND ABUSIVE HUSBAND! Doesn’t she know she’s supposed to keep Taylor’s horrible secrets for her? Brandi, realizing the evening is pretty much a wash, asks Taylor to leave. Taylor, ever the class act, shrieks, “F— you, Brandi!” Kyle accuses Brandi of touching her, though Brandi says she touched her first. Luckily, this is the end of the touching, and Kyle somehow manages to shuffle crazy Taylor out the door.
Meanwhile, Dedra sobs to Camille behind closed doors that she loves her and she won’t let anything bad happen to Camille, not this year! Except for this evening, which was pretty bad for someone who hates drama! With friends like Dedra, who needs enemies?
Once Taylor and Kyle are gone, well, that’s the end of the party. Because they were fun, weren’t they? Camille and her friends decide to go. As Adrienne points out, Camille wants to make nice with Taylor but there’s nothing she can do. Kudos to Camille for showing restraint. I think she realized, as everyone else does by the end of this evening, that Taylor is halfway to totally friggin’ nuts and there was really no upside to trying to reason with her.
Poor Brandi’s party completely falls apart. She cries on Jennifer’s shoulder. She just wanted to have a nice evening! She just wanted to make friends! Well, if you’re going to have a rough night, you could do worse than crying on the shoulder of a rehab counselor.
Taylor freaks out in the limo. I mean, even a little more than she did at the party, which is saying something. She wants a cigarette! Stop the car! Wait, no, where am I? Where’s that cigarette? Kyle is worried. Kyle is wishing she had pepper spray or Xanax, probably. Taylor smokes out the window, then dissolves into an ugly cry. And when I say ugly cry, I’m talking ugly. Lip injections do not look good when you’re sobbing like this, because, if Taylor is any indication, you end up looking like Soupy Sales. Kyle thinks Taylor’s breakdown has nothing to do with Malibu. Really, Kyle? Big insight there.
Well, this was an exhausting episode. I think I need a warm washcloth for my head and maybe some Tylenol. Suffice it to say, something is really, really wrong with Taylor, and I wouldn’t cancel any therapy sessions for Dedra, either (you can defend your friend, you can care about your friend, but picking fights and sobbing about the rough year your friend has had? Weird). Maybe next week Taylor will get some help, or maybe she and Dedra will have a Jell-O wrestling match. At this point, I could see it going either way.
But no! Because we had so much fun this week, Bravo is sending the girls to Vegas (I guess for Pandora’s bachelorette party). But because strippers are never enough, Kim sobs to Kyle and Taylor makes a “cry for help” to Lisa. Taylor also doesn’t wear eye make-up, so we know things are really bad.
Do you think Taylor came unglued? What’s the deal with Dedra? And do you think Kyle owes Brandi an apology?