What I love most about the housewives of Beverly Hills is that they’re not shy about pumping their faces full of plastic and Botox and possibly drain cleaner in their quest to remain young and (sometimes) creepy looking. Take, for example, tonight’s big event: Paul’s Night of Beauty. Paul, as we know, is Adrienne’s plastic surgeon husband, and he’s inviting all of the housewives over for snacks and free treatments. It’s like a spa day, except with numbing cream and pain! While most of the girls are lining up for Botox and fillers, Kyle is bravely taking on having her “love handles” (she thinks calling them that is cute, but I can’t get the image of a fat, middle-aged man out of my head) warmed off. Or I think it’s warming it off. It looks like she’s being slowly roasted under a fast food heat lamp, but I’m sure it’s much, much fancier than that.
Recap: ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ – ‘Your Face or Mine?’
Taylor is Paul’s next victim, I mean patient. She tells Lisa she’s getting filler in her face, but Lisa tells her to eat something. Taylor is so annoyed! She has a genetically thin face. Yes, and that genetically thin face would plump right up if she went up a dress size. Taylor makes a point of showing Lisa that she brought snacks. Lisa is unimpressed. But then, Lisa is only there to make fun of everyone, as she’s not having any treatments herself. She’s got a job, you know! If she wants to have work done, she takes a proper vacation until the swelling goes down!
Next, we should be watching Kim get pumped full of chemicals. But Kim is late. As usual. Kim wants to have lip injections, but she’s afraid she has bad lip karma because she told Taylor she was a big old blowfish. Well, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as lip karma, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Kim did talk herself into a big bad batch of it.
Camille will not be attending Paul’s House of Horrors, I mean, Night of Beauty. She doesn’t want to leave the house, as Kelsey has asked for primary custody of the kids. She’s too depressed to have her face frozen! Lisa and Kyle call Camille on speaker phone. They feel very, very bad for Camille. Bravo is just glad they caught all that bad feeling on TV, even via speakerphone.
While Kim sorts out what she’s going to have done, Kyle corners her about her seance the next evening> Kim is the only person who hasn’t RSVPed. Forget sisterly support — Kim can’t go. Seances are against her religion. She’s moving. She needs to sit at home with a bottle of prescription painkillers and shake uncontrollably. Okay, she didn’t say that last one, but you know Kyle’s thinking it.
Lisa is befuddled, and not just by Taylor’s face. She received an e-mail from Russell informing her that he has a great marriage to Taylor! His business is making tons of money! Everything’s great, great, great and he hasn’t been shopping for thick lengths of rope or anything! No one else received this happy, slappy e-mail, so finally Lisa asks Taylor why Russell sent it to her. Taylor suggests she talk to Russell herself. For someone who’s so proud of having found her voice, Taylor certainly doesn’t use it when Lisa’s in the room.
Time for Kim’s treatment, and Paul (being a doctor) gets to ask her questions. Kim reveals her age — she’s forty-six. I would have guessed fifty-six, but good for her. Then, Paul asks about her medications. She’s on Trazadone, Topamax and Lexapro. Oh my Lord of the Rings, it sounds like the girl swallowed a Chevy dealership. Paul says that this explains why she seems drunk. He wants her to see her psychiatrist to have her dosages adjusted, because he thinks she isn’t safe to drive. I think she may not be safe to walk. Maybe she can borrow Brandi’s crutches.
Finally, it’s time for Paul to puff up Kim’s face! Kyle tells Kim not to talk so much, as Paul is about to come at her with massive needles. Kim snaps at her. You’re not my mommy, Kyle! Except I really need one! Kyle figures she might as well take off, as she might as well let Kim suffer alone. Kim whines, she cries, and Adrienne makes comments about how cruel Paul is. Fun is had by all during Paul’s Night of Beauty!
Back at her house, Kyle calls Brandi to invite her to seance night. There isn’t even any screaming! How grown-up of everyone! I’m so glad that the girls have worked things out, probably after reading their contractual obligations to Bravo for the season.
While Kyle is trying to get ready for her big witchy party, Taylor drops by. She is so mad at Lisa! She’s been telling everyone Taylor has no friends! Um, I think Lisa is just concerned about you, Taylor, seeing as you don’t eat and your husband (allegedly) beats you. Kyle suggests Taylor stand up to Lisa. But Taylor is worried that, by talking to Lisa and then going to seance night, she might invite bad spirits in. Wow, Taylor is whole hella lot of crazy. This is what happens when you lack protein in your diet. And vitamins. And food.
Preparations are underway at Chez Kyle for the seance. Rebecca the psychic measures magnetic energy. Bernie makes cupcakes. I’d say Bernie’s job, way more important.
Lisa arrives with a bottle of wine. If Kim comes, maybe she’ll bring a bottle of Lexapro! Faye Resnick is in the house and is soon joined by Taylor, Brandi, Adrienne, Camille and her friend Elizabeth. Camille wisely brings back-up. She remembers all too well what happened the last time the gals got together with a psychic. And why exactly are we always having these psychic nights? Whatever happened to Yahtzee or maybe a nice cookie swap?
Adrienne’s dad George wants to talk to her. He says she’s a good boss and works well with people. Adrienne is touched. I’d hazard this is not a huge insight from Rebecca the psychic, but if Adrienne’s happy, I’m happy.
Brandi has four angels watching over her. She will have a child, a little girl! Brandi calls B.S., but not in front of the psychic. I’m fairly sure she doesn’t want the other women smacking the crap out of her. At least, not this week.
Lisa’s grandmother thanks Lisa for letting her live with her, Rebecca tells Taylor her marriage has dark spots (duh) and Kyle’s mom drops by to tell Kyle that she was Kim’s mother in a past life — but she needs to stop babying Kim in this one. Hey, the psychic actually got one kind of right, although she’s met Kyle and Kim before and probably picked up that dynamic in about two minutes.
Other psychic news: Camille’s grandparents are thrilled about her divorce. They want her to have a party. And they want her to watch her lawyers’ billable moments. Do ghosts really care about billable moments? They also want Camille to know that a great man will be showing up in her life who swings the right way. Camille won’t have to share her shoes and underwear anymore!
Fun was mostly had by all, and Kyle can be happy that her seance didn’t devolve into a crazy cat fight overseen by a psychic weirdo smoking electronic cigarettes. Still, not a lot of drama. But the episode isn’t over yet!
Later, Kyle heads to Kim’s house and discover Kim hasn’t been lying — she really is getting ready to move, as her house is almost entirely packed up. It’s time for Kim to reveal her secret — she’s moving in with Ken, a guy who looks like he might have had a cameo on “The Sopranos.” Kyle is hurt. She wanted Kim to move closer! She cries. She doesn’t think Kim really wants to do this! Oddly enough, Kyle is the one acting like a little kid and Kim is the calm, reasonable center for once. Kim is happy. She wants to do something for herself. Kyle is not convinced. She thinks Kim is just lonely. Why has she been hiding this? Hey, I can answer that one! Because maybe she didn’t want her newish relationship splattered all over a reality TV show! Isn’t that crazy? For once, I think Kim is showing a lot of sense. Maybe that drug cocktail isn’t so bad after all. As long as she doesn’t drive. Seriously, someone take away her license for a while.
Next week we have (yes!) a Taylor intervention, during which Camille basically outs Taylor as a victim of abuse. Taylor gets weepy and defensive and we all know how this turns out, but I’m glad that everyone finally encourages Taylor to just get the hell away from a guy who (allegedly) beats her. No matter what, it will definitely be more exciting than this week’s seance.
Do you think Lisa has been too hard on Taylor? Do you think Kyle’s instincts are right about Ken? And do you think the housewives need face fillers?