It seems that Tamra and Vicki’s friendship, once dependably solid, is about to crumple like a dirty Kleenex for the usual, stupid reasons — silly misunderstandings, petty jealousies and boob touching. Okay, that last one is only a usual reason on “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” but it’s an important part of the equation nonetheless. In short, Eddie doesn’t like any man other than himself touching Tamra’s boobs. Tamra, on the other hand, doesn’t like Eddie and Vicki touching at all. If I didn’t know better, I’d think everyone was afraid of cooties on this show, and I still can’t rule it out as that’s really the maturity level most of these women seem to operate upon after about two glasses of chardonnay.
Tamra and Vicki
Last week’s argument between Tamra and Eddie is quickly wrapped up once Tamra starts crying and Eddie realizes he loves his little nutjob, so there’s really no point in being angry. While Tamra snivels, Eddie points out that he’s not going to hit on Vicki, not only because she’s old enough to be his mother but because she’s Tamra’s friend. All’s well, right? Well, for just as long as it takes for Tamra and Eddie to get to join Vicki and Brooks at the dinner table, where Tamra begins crying and begging Vicki and Eddie to never touch one another again. It’s that cooties issue, I swear. Once the no touching rule has been agreed to, Tamra relaxes and decides it’s a good time to ask Brooks if he’s a boob man or an ass man. Wow, this is shaping up to be a once-sided “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”
On the trip back to the mainland, Tamra spends part of the trip with her head in the toilet. A flu bug called tequila is going around, apparently. Later, Eddie suggests they (meaning Tamra) stop drinking. And, oh yeah, just another reminder that Tamra shouldn’t let guys touch her boobs. Other than him. He’s a hot dog stand, and she’s a taco stand. Apparently, they think this is cute. I think they probably should have stopped drinking before the brain damage really set in.
Time for us to get to know Heather just a little better, and that’s best done over an expensive meal in a cheesy O.C. restaurant. Heather hates it when a waitress hands her an open menu. She feels rushed! And we now know that Heather is very, very high maintenance. Terry says Heather is a 90 percenter, as in she sends her food back 90 percent of the time. Guess what? Heather must be eating a LOT of wait staff spit. But this dinner isn’t about eating, as it’s really about Heather’s grand plan to invite the girls over. Or, really, invite the girls to a crappy little art studio, since she doesn’t know them very well and doesn’t want them getting her house sticky. Oh, boy, Heather’s going to fit in just swell, isn’t she?
Gretchen and Slade walk their tiny dogs while she wears ridiculous Barbie clothing. But what’s really ridiculous? Slade wants to try stand-up comedy. He could have a career in stand-up! He’s never shown any aptitude for comedy and has only been funny as the butt of jokes, but he is very optimistic. Yes, Gretchen really got a catch with this guy. Sigh.
In other non-news, Gretchen and Tamra shop for sex toys. Oddly enough, this is neither exciting nor interesting.
Heather, who could probably pull out the stops for her new friends, instead decides to set up at a teensy studio that specializes in kids’ parties. Even better? No one has any clue what she means when she says she’s hosting a painting party. Because most people over the age of five or six don’t dig finger painting, they are suddenly thinking Vicki’s crawdad bonanza is looking positively elegant in comparison. And Heather just doesn’t know why they’re not excited! Heather does at least think through the appetizers. which are going to be carb-free. Even the wine is low carb! Sounds delish!
In the limo on the ride over, Alexis bitches about Peggy until Gretchen can stand no more and decides to spill the beans about her new relationship with Tamra. Alexis is worried that Gretchen will get hurt. In other words, Alexis is jealous. Why does Gretchen get a new friend when Alexis doesn’t? Waaah!
Although I’m not sure who’d want to be friends with Tamra when she arrives at the party, as she admits she smells like puke and is pretty sure she’s sick with something. When it’s suggested that maybe she’s pregnant, Vicki looks as if she’s swallowed an ant farm. Vicki doesn’t DO kids at this age! And since she and Tamra are the same age, Tamra shouldn’t do kids, either! Oh, Vicki. I’m sure you look good for your age, but that’s like saying someone’s mom looks absolutely fetching with that new red walker outfitted with tennis balls on the front.
The champagne and low carb ice wine starts flowing, and pretty soon Gretchen and Tamra are talking about their visit to the sex shop like best buds. Vicki is scandalized! So is Heather! You don’t talk about sex toys at dignified cocktail parties where the F-bomb gets tossed around like a dirty sweat sock! Tamra doesn’t care. In Gretchen, she’s found a friend who likes to get raunchy, and she feels free as a bleepin’ bird!
Well, that kind of bonding does not sit well with Vicki and Alexis, who feel the need to mock and mimic Tamra and Gretchen’s relationship like the mean girls at a seventh grade dance. I’m thinking Heather is watching this and wondering if she should have just booked the playground at McDonald’s, as the hippie-dippy art space was probably WAY too nice for these crazy chicks.
But then, we know Heather doesn’t have terribly high standards, because we get to see her husband Terry drop by the party to make bad jokes and act like an annoying little brother despite the fact he could be a candidate for the “still active” branch of the nearest assisted living senior center. Vicki’s boyfriend Brooks also shows up and thankfully takes the focus off Terry by being Southern in a way the women find charming. So, a pleasant, happy ending to the evening, right?
Of course not! Though almost everyone seems to agree that Vicki’s very bad painting of a shoe is still the best bad painting of a shoe for the group, Tamra has to buck convention and declare that Gretchen’s is better. Vicki is FURIOUS! And refuses to hug Tamra! Oh, it’s on now! They’re, like, totally mad at one another about BAD PAINTING of SHOES!
Gretchen and Vicki
But Vicki has more important things to worry about (although really, more important could mean an ingrown toenail or a lost postage stamp). Still, Gretchen learns that Brooks has not one but two ex-wives after him for child support — and he’s been arrested for non-payment. The mistake Gretchen makes is telling Slade about this. He will NEVER forgive Tamra and Vicki for criticizing him! They are hypocrites and he is ANGRY! Gretchen then remembers that, oh yeah, she’s trying to make nice with everyone these days. Oops. Well, at least it will give them all something to be ridiculously dramatic about next week.
Do you think Vicki and Alexis are jealous of Gretchen and Tamra? Do you think Slade is overreacting? And do you think Tamra is pregnant?