It’s down to Dia, Javier, Beverly and Vicci as “The Voice” wraps up its first season on NBC on Wednesday (June 29) night.
Whose melodic cuisine would reign supreme? Click through for my recap of Wednesday’s finale…
8:00 p.m. ET. The Superfluous Carson Daly (that’s actually what his birth certificate reads) begins the finale by introducing our Mentors-Who-Aren’t-Judges and our very well-dressed Finalists. I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Dia Frampton gets the most cheering in the room. I’m referring to my apartment. I can’t speak to what was happening on the “Voice” stage.
8:02 p.m. We’re getting guest appearances tonight from Miranda Lambert, The Guy From OneRepublic, The Guy From Train and Stevie Nicks. Is anybody else singing “One of these people is not like the others?” One of our Finalists gets to sing with a Rock-n-Roll Hall-of-Famer. And other gets to sing with The Guy From OneRepublic.
8:04 p.m. Yep. Last night’s episode happened.
8:05 p.m. Ah, Members of the “Voice” family, also known as People Who Sang Once on TV But We’re Supposed To Care. Why am I capitalizing everything tonight?
8:05 p.m. The Final 4 contestants got to appear with Jay Leno, because if there’s anybody who would appreciate the difficulties of launching a 10 p.m. hit on NBC…
8:10 p.m. Let’s now pay tribute to Vicci Martinez’s journey on “The Voice.” See, she performed once. Then she performed again. Then she was in the Finals. What a short, not-especially strange journey it has been. Tonight, Vicci gets to duet with That Guy From Train. They pair on “Drops of Jupiter.” That “Drops of Jupiter” has been supplanted as Train’s most over-played song is an amazing phenomenon. Who would have guessed? It’s like if you told me someday I’d be sicker of a Lou Bega song than I once was of “Mambo No. 5.”
8:15 p.m. Everybody wants to thank Pat Monahan (I just wanted to make it clear that I know that That Guy From Train has a real name). Cee-Lo says that he and Vicci are forever bonded and will never be separated. Vicci’s staring right into the lights and she’s battling to see her mentor. It’s either that or she’s rolling her eyes at Cee-Lo.
8:17 p.m. Alison Haislip never reads my tweets.
8:19 p.m. Carson and Alison keep talking in terms of “lasts.” This was the last time Cee-Lo could tell Vicci what he thinks of her. This was the last time Javier could tell his fans how much they mean to him. Suddenly it’s becoming clear why NBC scheduled “The Televised Execution” for the 9 p.m. hour.
8:22 p.m. Up next, a chance to examine Javier Colon’s journey from Presumptive “Voice” Winner to Presumptive “Voice” Winner. Oh, the roller coaster!
8:24 p.m. How shocking that it’s Javier Colon singing with the Hall of Famer! Hey look, Stevie Nicks does all of those weird affected hand things that Beverly McClellan does! Stevie Nicks is a legend, so it would probably impertinent to ask if she’s singing nasally and flat just to avoid upstaging Javier? We’re talking about one of the greatest female (or any gender really) rock vocalists of all time and Javier is carrying her completely. The amazing thing is that Javier is a great enough singer that he’s about to adjust on the fly and by the end, the rendition of “Landslide” is quite beautiful.
8:27 p.m. Splendid cut-away to Christina Aguilera lifting her boobs. By 10 p.m. tonight, that will be the most popular animated gif on the Interwebs. Classic!
8:28 p.m. Adam Levine calls that one of the most beautiful duets he’s heard in his life. “Good luck man, you deserve to win this competition,” says the obviously emotional Adam. Awww.
8:33 p.m. How did Beverly McClellan rise to the top of the heap to become the most popular bald singer on Team Christina? A long journey, I assure you. “I’ve waited for this moment for so long. I mean, I could be The Voice,” Beverly gushes, as if winning “The Voice” was her lifelong dream.
8:35 p.m. Wow. This is brutal. Who thought Beverly and That Guy From OneRepublic were a good vocal pairing? That person was WRONG. Beverly must have left it all on the stage last night, because she has no voice at all tonight, but that isn’t keeping her from trying. Poorly. Wow. It’s like they’re going to have to apologize to That Guy From OneRepublic.
8:37 p.m. “Beverly, you know everything I could possibly say about you,” Christina says. That’s because Beverly is one of The Observers. [Alternative punchline: That’s because Beverly is Varys from “Game of Thrones.”] Then Christina thanks Beverly for her faith in her. And Christina thanks the guys on the Mentor panel for their faith in her. But what about me, Christina? What about my faith?
8:43 p.m. Thank heavens. Enough of these other people. It’s time to remember Dia Frampton’s journey from Moderately Recognizable Alt Rock Singer to “The Voice” Unknown to Dan’s Reality TV Crush of Early Summer 2011.
8:44 p.m. Dia’s getting to perform with her mentor’s wife, which is just too adorable for words. Dia’s also got some vocal roughness from last night. I don’t care. Team Ramona Flowers.
8:49 p.m. Awwww. Blake’s having a hard time processing his thoughts. “You’re family to me now and I love you,” Blake says. Awwwwwwwww. I’m getting all verklempt.
8:52 p.m. Wait. It’s nearly time to announce a winner. I totally forgot that we were crowning a winner tonight. I thought it was going to be all crying and hugging and Christina Aguilera adjusting her boobs.
8:54 p.m. The mentors stand and away the results. Or, rather, Blake and Adam stand and await results. Christina takes a sip from her “soda.”
8:54 p.m. “The voting was extremely close,” Carson teases. The Top Two were within two percent of each other. Carson is very impressed.
8:56 p.m. The two artists with the most votes are… DIA FRAMPTON and JAVIER COLON.
8:56 p.m. That means that Vicci and Beverly have to leave the show. But don’t worry. We’ll see them on “The Televised Execution” next.
8:57 p.m. And the winner is… JAVIER COLON. And you know what? As much as I love Dia Frampton and would happily console her, this was the correct result. Of course, it was also the predictable and anti-climactic result, a result that literally anybody could have predicted after exactly one show.
8:59 p.m. Carson Daly gives Javier one minute to be grateful. He says thanks several times.
9:00 p.m. Let’s all take a step back and honor “The Voice.” They said that this show was going to be different and darned if NBC didn’t finally produce a reality show that made it possible for a pretty guy with a guitar to win. Breaking down the walls, y’all! [Note: I’m well aware that “American Idol” has *never* had a winner who looks like Javier Colon. Beyond aware. Good for Javier Colon, seriously. And good for Dia Frampton as well.]
Were you shocked by the winner of “The Voice”? Liar. Did you enjoy the finale, at least?