It’s time for another Double Elimination “X Factor”!
And this week? One Direction performs.
Follow along from home…
8:04 p.m. ET. We’re starting with our full recap of last night’s performances. I remember them pretty well, even if they were almost uniformly dull.
8:04 p.m. Poor Sierra. It made her cry that people think she’s the weak link in Alex & Sierra. There can’t be a weak link in Alex & Sierra. There are no links, only Alex & Sierra.
8:06 p.m. Ellona Santiago doesn’t want to be a dancing, singing puppet! She wants to be a real little girl!
8:07 p.m. Zach isn’t crying because people think he’s the wink link in Restless Road. Also, why do I keep wanting to call them “Reckless Road”?
8:07 p.m. Simon thinks the girls were unfair to Sierra and Restless Road. They disagree.
8:11 p.m. Time for another icky, icky in-show commercial whored out gracefully by Mario Lopez. It takes courage to perform on the “X Factor” stage. Dreams can be crushed. Failure is not an option. Lots of performers have weird rituals. Sierra writes “Andy” on her shoes. Ellona puts her fist in a magic pocket. They’re fearless. “I once hear that fear is the thief of dreams and I believe that. You can’t be afraid of nothing,” Carlito says. And then? IT’S ALL SPONSORED BY SECRET. Well that was utterly disgusting.
8:14 p.m. Let’s get down to results. One act is going home immediately and that act is… KHAYA COHEN. Wow. America just hated Khaya Cohen. That sucks. She was way, way, way better than that. I don’t really know why she didn’t connect, other than that the tiny subset of America watching “The X Factor” and voting has no taste. No offense, America. “It kinda sucks, but I’m just gonna keep going for what I was going for by going on this competition,” Khaya says.
8:18 p.m. Or maybe the “X Factor” voters just hate ME and they’re trying to weaken the field so that I have to suffer more. America, why do you hate me?
8:20 p.m. AIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI! It’s One Direction! They were discovered on “X Factor” and now they’re doing a new single that sounds like a fine Mumford & Sons rip-off. Yeah, this is totally catchy, but I wonder if Phillip Phillips also rejected it before it made it to One Direction. Nah. One Direction probably got first dibs. I really can’t make fun of this even if I watched to. They perform well as a group and the crowd loves them. No point in even gentle mockery.
8:26 p.m. I can’t tell my One Direction members apart, so I don’t know which one agrees that this reminds them of their own “X Factor” experience. I’m pretty sure it’s not the one doing Taylor Swift, but I could be wrong.
8:30 p.m. Why are we reading results “in no particular order” again? Will we do the ranking at the end? I’ve already forgotten how we do things here. The first group in the Top 8 is… Rion Paige. Absolutely. She was very good last night. In next… Josh Levi. America loves Dancing Bobbies! The third act through is… Alex & Sierra. Whew, we still love their love. Also coming back… Lillie McCloud. I’m a bit surprised America likes her, but since I like her, that’s OK. The fifth act through is… Jeff Gutt. I view that as a vote for The Iron Throne. New through is… Ellona Santiago. I didn’t think she was very good last night, but I think she’s talented, so that’s not a problem either.
8:33 p.m. We’ve got Carlito Olivero, Tim Olstad and Restless Road still waiting. the last act going straight through to the Top 8 (without singing for their lives) is… Restless Road. Tim and Carlito will sing for their lives. This is bad, because Tim deserves to stay, but if Simon is the deciding vote again, there’s no way he’s not keeping Carlito, who wants us to know that his God is almighty.
8:38 p.m. Survival Song Time! It’s Boy vs. Boy, Mario Lopez tells us. Up first is Tim Olstad. He does “You Raise Me Up.” He sounds good, but what’s with the serial killer glower, Tim? Do you think this is what Demi will find sexy? But that was a totally serviceable vocal, one with a reasonably high degree of difficulty. We have to sell products before getting to Carlito.
8:45 p.m. Carlito’s up. He sings a song I’m told is called “Beneath Your Beautiful.” The verse is too low for Carlito, but he’s more comfortable when he gets to the chorus. Vocally, Carlito is inferior to Tim in every way, but Carlito has vague awareness of how to use the stage and how to play to the crowd. I’m not sure I care who the judges send packing.
8:52 p.m. Decision time. Decision time! Carlito says he’s a fighter and we can put him in the Bottom Two every week, but he’ll keep fighting. Tim says he’s grown a lot. Kelly liked both of the performances tonight, so this is very hard for her. She votes to send Tim Olstad home. An emotional Demi also votes to send Tim home. Now it’s Paulina’s Choice. If she’s smart, she sends Carlito home, just to force Simon to make a choice, but does anybody really believe she isn’t going to support Carlito? “This is hard for me and I’m not used to this,” Paulina says, claiming they both should stay in. She milks lots and lots of time. Lots and lots of time. Finally, she votes to send Tim home and Simon’s vote is moot. Farewell to Tim Olstad.
8:58 p.m. No voting results/order. Since that was the only smart thing “X Factor” did last season and the only thing “X Factor” did that none of the other singing competitions do, this was a bad decision.
8:59 p.m. HAHAHA. Next week “X Factor” is doing Big Band week opposite Thanksgiving Eve and then with results next Thursday. They’re practically begging people not to watch. I will not be watching. I’ll return with my regularly scheduled recap in two weeks.
What do you think of America’s votes? Will you miss Tim and Khaya?