It’s time for another “X Factor” double elimination episode.
Tonight’s results had better be darned exciting, because at least so far, FOX has only teased performances from Emblem3 and Little Mix, which may not be enough to hold my attention through the pregnant pauses and awkward in-show commercials.
Click through to follow the fun…
8:00 p.m. ET. Oh. Little Mix is from “X Factor UK.” If you say so.
8:01 p.m. Simon Cowell begins the show by paying tribute to the passing of Nelson Mandela. The crowd claps, because that’s apparently appropriate. Or because they clap for everything, usually out-of-synch.
8:03 p.m. Simon also called last night’s show “great,” or some other superlative. That’s an overstatement. Wednesday’s show was boring, but it wasn’t glutted with awful performances, so there’s that. Lots of people cried. And now we’re watching clips of every single tear.
8:06 p.m. Alex & Sierra are at No.1 on the iTunes Singles Chart. Yay, Alex & Sierra. They may be the only reason I still care about this season.
8:09 p.m. “One ‘X Factor’ dream is coming to an end,” A.C. Slater teases. But not now. First, we have to watch an elaborate clip package that will shockingly be revealed to be a commercial for deodorant or laxative or something. “Performing on ‘X Factor’ is a challenge, but it’s even harder if you’re not staying regular. Paid For By The Prune Council of America.”
8:11 p.m. “The night before the show, I can’t get to sleep… Paid for by Ambien, The Office Sleep Aid of ‘The X Factor.'”
8:12 p.m. Nope. Secret. Again. That stinks. Get it?
8:12 p.m. “One ‘X Factor’ dream is about to end,” A.C. Slater says again, but this time he means it. “One ‘X Factor’ dream is about to end, but your dreams will never end if you use Lunesta, The Official Sleep Aid of ‘The X Factor.'”
8:13 p.m. The first act going home is… ELLONA SANTIAGO. The judges are shocked. The crowd is shocked. They knew somebody was going home, right? “A lot’s going through my mind and I don’t know, I guess I didn’t give the strongest performance last night,” Ellona says. Demi is disappointed by America. She thinks that a lot of good people went home before their time. That’s what happens when you have a low-rated competition show with a strange voting base. I don’t think Ellona deserved to go home tonight, but I’m only going to be disappointed if Rion Paige or Alex & Sierra go home and I’m only going to be shocked by a Restless Road elimination.
8:16 p.m. “At this stage of the competition, all of the results are a shock,” A.C. Slater says.
8:20 p.m. A.C. Slater tells Rion that she’s the only girl left in the competition, even though she’s standing next to a suddenly gender-confused Sierra.
8:21 p.m. Time for The Musical Equivalent of Axe Body Spray. Welcome back, Emblem3. Other than their inherent smarminess, I never hated Emblem3 and this is a relatively tight single. Emblem3 has some great news, but they don’t know what it is. Oh. They’re touring the country next year. Lots of American Apparel in-store appearances, I’ll bet.
8:29 p.m. Let’s make some people safe. The first act through to the Semi-Final is… Restless Road. I knew I’d made a safe choice on my recap image. The next act in the Top 4 is… Alex & Sierra. Simon Cowell is chuffed. The last act that won’t have to Sing For Survival is… Jeff Gutt. Sigh. Carlito looks like he wants to barf. Rion has a big smile and tells Carlito that she loves him. Carlito loves Rion and also God.
8:35 p.m. So this is Little Mix? OK. I’ll keep my own generation’s Spice Girls. I like Baby Mix and Sporty Mix, but Posh Mix needs some work.
8:42 p.m. Demi Lovato introduces Rion Paige, by saying she’s a great role model. Rion does an emotional and tremulous version of a song that Google tells me is Miranda Lambert’s “The House That Built Me.” I’d say Rion’s a bit too nervous/worked up on this performance and it leads to wavering, especially in the second half. It doesn’t matter. There’s still zero chance I’d keep Carlito over her.
8:49 p.m. I like hearing Paulina Rubio say “Chicago.” It’s Carlito time. He’s doing “You Make Me Wanna” and he isn’t really singing and he isn’t dancing. He’s doing a great job of making the girls in the audience squeal. I mean, he’s either singing in the wrong key or he starting in the wrong octave. I don’t know which. This is both boring and unpleasant if you aren’t a breathless Carlito fan. I’m not wrong. When Usher does this actually dances and he sings in tune. Shame on Simon if he keeps Carlito. Wait. Was it really Demi’s sister Carlito was serenading in the crowd? If so, that’s awesome.
8:53 p.m. Rion says she’s just here to share her story and share God. Carlito insists he’s shown more growth than anybody.
8:53 p.m. The Judges are on the spot. Demi says this is difficult and that they both deserve a place in the Finals. This isn’t possible, Demi. Somebody has to go home. Demi, on the verge of tears, says she’s sending Carlito home. Duh. Paulina blathers for a bit about how hard this is before voting to send Rion home. Duh. So it’s Kelly and Simon time. Kelly congratulates both of them. Kelly doesn’t think it was the best performance for either of them tonight, but she votes to send Rion home. BOO, Kelly. BOO.
8:57 p.m. Come on, Simon. Send us to Deadlock! Make them draw rocks! Or make fire! Simon likes them both as people. Simon votes to send Rion home because he thinks this is Carlito’s last chance. That’s a stupid thing to base a vote on at this point on the show, Simon. Rion is amazingly composed and she lets us know how much she loves God.
8:59 p.m. Farewell to Elonna and Rion, neither of whom would have been in my Bottom Two after Wednesday.
Did America choose correctly? Did the judges choose correctly?