‘The Bachelor’ recap: The wheels come off as the girls hit the roller derby

01.28.13 5 years ago 3 Comments


So, tonight I’m recapping “The Bachelor” and doing battle with a cold. This means I will either have less tolerance for the high-pitched cat fighting, or I will fall asleep after the 230th time someone says, “I just want him to see the real me!” or “I need to spend one-on-one time with him!” Actually, that would happen any week. It’s just that this week, I can blame the snoring on a weakened immune system.

Fun fact #1: Sean wears black boxer briefs. That is all. 

Anyway, Selma gets the first date card. She’s so excited! She finally gets to open up to him! “I want to take it to the next level, then the next level, then have babies!” Yow. Run, Sean. 

Of court, Selma’s good news is everyone else’s heartbreak. Leslie H. is crying. She just really wants a date! I think she really wants to get out of the house. It’s natural for all of us at home to roll our eyes at how crazy these girls seem to be, but I don’t think you can minimize how boring it must be to be on “The Bachelor.” No TV, no computers, no work, no phones, no nothing — just a bunch of other women and, occasionally, the hot guy you like. It’s like working downstairs at “Downton Abbey,” but even less fun. 

Anyway, it’s time for Selma’s date. Selma can’t dance, so he better not be making her salsa. Sean isn’t saying — he’s all about the surprises! And the first surprise today is a private plane. WITH a red carpet. Ooh, it’s going to be a luxurious, glamorous date, right? RIGHT? Selma is not the kind of girl who wants to rough it, Sean. But she’s okay with all the mystery, because she knows this will be an amazing experience! Right until they land the plane… in Joshua Tree National Park.

Selma is not amused. “I got the limo, then I got the jet. And then he took the Iraqi to the desert… I am so disappointed.” Selma, it seems, does not do hot weather. Or outdoors. Or exercise. And yet, Sean considers this date a test to see if she can be an outdoorsy girl. Well, of course she can — while she’s on a reality TV show. These women will do anything short of skinning wild rabbits to win over Sean at this point. But once they have him and there are no cameras? Yeah, there’s a reason why we have so few “Bachelor” marriages.  

“You ready to do some climbing?” Sean asks Selma. He thinks it will be fun watching her attempt to rock climb. Really? I think Selma should concede she’s not meant to be with Sean and go home. I’m pretty sure that if they were dating in real life, she’d tell Sean to go rock climbing with his friends and meet her for drinks after he’s gotten home and showered. 

But, because this is a competition show in which a scarcity of resources (men) is making al of the women insane, Selma finds her inner rock climber and scrambles up the hill. She conquered one of her fears! And she’s with an awesome man! Whom, she should realize, will want to do this again if they get married. Oh, Selma, I think you should keep looking for Mr. Right, because Sean probably isn’t it.

After rock climbing, they go to visit a bunch of cute, themed Airstream trailers and sit by a fire under a blanket. Snuggle time!

Time for Selma to tell her story. “I grew up in a conservative, strict home. We’re Arabic. We can’t date… they do put a lot of pressure on me.” Yes, Selma was born in Baghdad, Iraq, and she mostly follows her family’s rules about dating. So she can’t kiss Sean on television, because it would kill her mother. Um, she can curl up against some guy’s chest while they’re tucked under a blanket on national TV and that’s okay? Sean really wants to kiss her, but he can’t kiss her — not until she’s the only one. I would think this would be Sean’s chance to realize Selma is not for him. 

Anyway, he’s crazy about her and gives her the rose. Kissing be damned!

The group date is announced. Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and… Tierra get to go out together. Yay? Tierra wants to kill someone. She wants Sean ALL TO HERSELF. 

Lindsay thinks she’ll be getting into a giant hamster ball thing and rolling down a hill. It’s called Zorbing, Linds, and you aren’t doing it anyway. The girls enter a huge warehouse and see a skull painted on the wall. Oh no! It’s roller derby! AshLee is terrified. But Tierra is excited at the thought of knocking some biaches down. Sean gets the impression Tierra and Amanda are going to excel at this, which suggests to me he knows how crazy both of these women are and doesn’t care. Amanda lies and tells the other team she’s done roller derby before so that they’ll wipe out. And it works! Amanda doesn’t seem to be acting as crazy as she had been, so now the focus is on Tierra as the resident nut ball. 

Sean thinks it’s funny to watch the girls fall. Ha, ha, ha?

Sarah discovers that one-armed roller derby is not easy. She doesn’t have great balance. “Moments like this, I just want to be normal… and show everyone I can be strong.” AshLee assures her she can do it. Sarah cries a little, but I’m sure she’ll get a one-on-one out of this, no problem. 

Sean is torn. He wants to tell Sarah she doesn’t have to do it, but he also thinks she should do it so she feels a sense of accomplishment. Sean comforts her. Inspired, she gets back up and tries again.  Badly. And she still has better balance than Robyn. 

Amanda is feeling so good about this! She’s psyched out the competition and she’s on a roll — until she face plants and the medic has to be called in. She has to go to the hospital to rule out a fractured jaw. Sean is starting to have doubts about this date. So, instead of a real roller derby game, it’s going to be a free skate instead. It’s a roller skating disco party! I’m thinking a producer realized this roller derby contest was a lawsuit in the making, but hey, Sean comes off looking very chivalrous, so it’s a win-win. 

So, everyone gets to go out on the group dinner. Tierra is disappointed. She HATES THESE OTHER WOMEN! 

Sean pulls Sarah away from the group to tell her how much he respects her, because he knows she felt embarrassed about her lack of roller derby ability. Still, he doesn’t give her the rose. Hmm…

Amanda returns! Sean is so happy to see her back — and she’s the next to get some one-on-one time with Sean. She did not break her jaw, but she’s more than happy to play the sympathy card. Still, it only gets her a kiss on the chin. And no date rose. Hmmm…. 

Back at the house, the final card is delivered! The one-on-one goes to… Leslie H. Plus she gets earrings. She’s so glad! And Daniella is so disappointed. 

While Sean is talking to Amanda about her jaw, the other girls chat. Tierra is pissed when Robyn doesn’t acknowledge she was on Amanda’s team. She did it on PURPOSE! Tierra thinks these girls have to start becoming women! She won’t stoop to their level! She won’t let another girl stop her! She hates this environment! She doesn’t trust anyone here! She wants to leave! Oh my GOD, Tierra is off her rocker, man. And yet, she has a rose. What is it about this show that allows crazy to thrive and flourish? 

In short, Tierra is losing her mind. “Why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy?” Because this is a REALITY TV SHOW, dummy! 

Sean is making out with Lindsay while Tierra is losing her mind and angling to walk out the door. “Will I regret it? Probably, but I can’t be tortured like this!” Sigh. I’m so sick of Tierra right now, and I think that would be true whether or not I had head congestion. 

Finally, Tierra steals Sean away from Lindsay and tells him this show is torture. She can’t not think about him going on dates with other girls! She’s so sensitive and emotional! Sean has been through what she’s going through, and after a certain point, it’s just about being a good fit with another person. But she does fit with him! 

Sean leaves and promises to come back. Is he going to give HER that stupid date rose? Oh, man, he IS. Dammit! 

He realizes Tierra has a lot of self-doubt, but he really likes her, so he wants her to stay. “I want to see where this goes, because I’m crazy about you.” The camera goes to black, so not sure what happened there. Maybe kissing. Or the camera operator was backed against a wall. 

Time for Leslie H.’s date! He picks her up in a sports car, she wears her “diamond” earrings (I am not sure those are real, honestly) and Sean takes her to Rodeo Drive to shop. It’s her “Pretty Woman” moment! There, they head to Badgley Mischka to try on dresses. She picks a gunmetal silver dress, matching shoes and a purse. She is getting a TON of free stuff from ABC. He puts on a tux. It’s so fabulous, but her outfit isn’t quite done! I would say this is a pretty good date, wouldn’t you?

They head to Neil Lane. Oh, if he made the earrings, those are real diamonds. But to top it off, she gets a loaner necklace. “It’s almost 120 carats of diamonds here,” Neil Lane says. One more surprise for Leslie H. Woof. The other girls are going to rip Leslie H.’s face off when she gets home. If she gets home.

They have a private dinner at, I think, the Bradley Building downtown, and this is Sean’s chance to see if he has that romantic feeling for Leslie. This is the first mention that he doesn’t have them already. He really saved the absolute best date ever for someone he has no particular connection to?

Leslie H. talks about herself. She dated the boy down the street for seven years, and they grew apart. She wants communication and trust and kids. Her parents divorced when she was 5, so she doesn’t want to settle. She wants to get married exactly once. Sean thinks she’s a joy to be around, but the connection isn’t there. He wants it to be there, but it’s not there. Oh, oh no. 

He picks up the rose and tells her… he doesn’t feel a click with her. “I couldn’t allow you to go on any further knowing I’m not the man for you. So, Leslie, I can’t give you this rose. I’m sorry.” WHAT? Okay, how much did THIS date suck? 

They walk out to the curb, and she lets him take the necklace. The “Pretty Woman” fantasy is over. wash-waah. To her credit, she warns him that some of the girls are not there for the right reasons. Darn, I wish she’d name names. 

Ben Taylor was going to sing for them, but the romance wasn’t there. So, Ben Taylor sings a sad song over the sad footage of Sean hanging over the staircase and tossing a rose onto the floor. 

Leslie settles into the limo, absolutely gobsmacked. “I would honestly give back all of these clothes and these diamond earrings to have more time with him. I’m so lost right now.” Oh, poor Leslie. 

The girls watch in horror as Leslie’s bags are taken away. It’s gettin’ real in the “Bachelor” house parking lot, yo

Sean is sad and serious (as the Ben Taylor music lets us know). He knows he’s going to have to let great women go. Yes, he has to let great, seemingly sane women go so he can leave room for hella crazy like Tierra and Amanda. Yay, Sean!

It’s time for the cocktail party, so all of the girls make their last, desperate plays for Sean. Robyn wants to use a pick-up line on Sean. “You want to taste the chocolate?” She purrs. Yes, he does. And thus, they make out. Go, Robyn! Last African-American chick in the house! 

On a not-so-distant couch, Tierra complains to Amanda that she’s taking all the heat. Robyn attacked her for no reason! What? Well, I’m glad the two nut balls are able to bond with one another. 

Tierra suddenly hops up and announces she wants to talk to Robyn and Jackie alone. What? “I just wanted to apologize for the other night… you attacked me.” Yes, that’s what I call an apology — I’m so sorry you suck. Robyn doesn’t understand why Tierra doesn’t like her. But that’s not true! No, Tierra’s accepted Robyn and Jackie for themselves! She just wants to squash this hate issue, as she doesn’t want it getting back to Sean. Robyn totally accepts her apology, which isn’t much of an apology. And it was totally fake. But hey, what isn’t at “The Bachelor” house after a few weeks?

Tierra, who already has a rose and doesn’t need to be a time pig, still gets her one-on-one time with Sean. He won’t let the other girls influence him, and he doesn’t mind that she needs more reassurance. He knows she has a good heart and she’s here for the right reasons! Really? I think she’s a high maintenance pain in the ass. But okay, maybe he digs that, and maybe he also likes to stick bamboo shoots under his fingernails and considers acupuncture a jolly good time. Different strokes and all that. 

Catherine gives Sean a lipstick kiss. She’s so attracted to him! He’s so attracted to her! He’s been worried she’s putting him in the friend zone. Really? Because that happens on “The Bachelor.” Anyway, he and Catherine finally kiss. “It was short and sweet and leaving both of us wanting more,” Catherine reports. I would worry about short, Catherine.

Rose Ceremony! Sean has had a great night, and it’s just getting so much more special! But he has to make a difficult decision (I think we could dub Sean’s lines from episode to episode and you’d hardly notice). It was really emotional! There were highs and lows! He’s emotionally invested! The feelings were real! Okay, okay, Sean.

I think, after this week, I may finally be able to keep track of all these damn women. Maybe. 

First rose goes to… Catherine.

Second rose goes to… Desiree.

Third rose goes to… Lindsay.

Fourth rose goes to… Lesley.

Fifth rose goes to… Robyn. That taste of chocolate line worked!

Sixth rose goes to… AshLee

Just thinking — the women who already have roses should be able to sit down and have a drink during this part, right? 

Seventh rose goes to… Sarah.

Eighth rose goes to… Jackie.

Last rose goes to… Daniella.

So, that means Amanda is going home. The girl ate roller derby track and she’s still not sticking around?  Kind of surprising, really. But I will say, all of her interactions with Sean seemed fake, as if she was constantly trying to remind herself to smile and be pleasant, as that’s not her natural state of being. Good call, Sean. 

“Sean has everything that I’m looking for… I feel really rejected, and it hurts… Heartbreak is such a difficult emotion,” she says, emotionlessly. And then, off camera, she sounds a little teary. Still, not sorry to see Amanda go, as she seemed insane. And let’s face it, we have all the crazy we need with Tierra. 

Next week, it’s a two day “Bachelor” event you cannot miss. Two episodes! Two nights! Double the romance! Double your pleasure, double your fun, DoubleMint, DoubleMint, DoubleMint gum! Sorry, old commercial. And paramedics get called AGAIN. Man, this seems to be the most injury-prone season EVER. 

Were you surprised Amanda went home? Do you think he set Leslie H. up? Were you surprised that the roller derby challenge ended so badly? 

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