‘The Bachelorette’: Andi has a chance to meet 25 suitors – and a stalker

05.19.14 3 years ago


“The Bachelorette” is back, and I'm partly thrilled that Andi will be our gal in the trenches. During her season of “The Bachelor” she was always the one who seemed far too smart to have a real interest in Juan Pablo (and was clearly talking herself into it). Really, I would argue that Andi is too smart to be on this franchise at all, but I guess even lawyers like to mix it up sometimes. 

The reason I'm only partly thrilled is because her last interaction with Juan Pablo seemed so unnecessarily antagonistic. I realize that seemingly every woman in America loved the fact Andi called Juan Pablo on the carpet for not asking questions about her and saying “it's okay” when it clearly wasn't. It was that moment all women want to have with jerks who have dumped them. But I felt, as the dumper, Andi could have taken the high road. I didn't get the sense she was trying to help him see the error of his ways (and there were so, so many errors) — no, she just wanted to give him a hard smack (emotionally speaking) for wasting her time. He was a jerk, yes. But she didn't look much better for shaming him. Still, that decision won the hearts of a lot of women and probably nailed “The Bachelorette” gig for her. Can't argue with that!

Anyway, there are 25 bachelors in the house and one stalker waiting outdoors. Wait, what? Yeah, that happened. Is this a first? I think it may be. So let's get to it!

Before we begin, we have a salute to the recently deceased Eric Hill, who apparently traveled everywhere judging from the photographs. I hope whatever time he spends on the show will be a flattering legacy to him, but that can be hard to come by on “The Bachelorette.”

First up, let's meet (or re-meet, depending on how much of the franchise you've seen) Andi. She loves her job in Atlanta! I know they're trying to make her seem like she's on a crime-themed TV show, but I don't think most assistant district attorneys are quite so involved with crime scenes. Still, cool job — we don't need to give this the hard sell, ABC. Alas, she's walking away from work to be the Bachelorette! It's her shot at love! I really think Andi could find love in Atlanta if she gave it half a chance, but the world travel for free does have its appeal.  

Her parents have been married for thirty years. She wants that! I'm pretty sure her parents did not find love on reality TV, so maybe she should keep that in mind. 

Look, she's trying on cute clothes in Los Angeles. And she's doing a photo shoot. Her life is changing forever! It's her time to fall in love! She's ready to meet the man of her dreams! I appreciate that Andi is giving this her full commitment, I really do. 

In case you'd like the exact rundown of who our 25 bachelors are, here's the rundown. Not everyone stands out, but we'll get to that. 

Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA
Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI
Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA
Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA
Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL
Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA
Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL
Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO
Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA
Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA
Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA
Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI
J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA
Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO
Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA
Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX
Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV
Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT
Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL
Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL
Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA
Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN
Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA
Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA
Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO

Marcus is first to hop out of the limo, and he's shaking. Andi finds this adorable. The next guy to really stand out is Marquel, who is wearing a bold red-and-white checked shirt and about whom I immediately want to learn more. Not many guys on this show have a strong fashion sense, after all.

Tasos tells Andi he wants to take her to Lovers' Bridge in Paris, even though he hasn't been there himself. But he has a lock, so a gimmick makes him memorable. 

More gimmicks. Cody the personal trainer pushes the limo (even if he doesn't make it, he's just done a great job of selling his services). Rudie the attorney brings an agreement allowing her the right to investigate him. Another lawyer! He must have an in, right? Dr. Jason diagnoses her with having a fever because she looks pretty hot. Why do I get the sense he's used this line on women since high school? 

Nick V. doesn't have much to say, but she thinks he can wear a suit. Yikes. Another shy one is Dylan the accountant, who actually has to keep Andi at a distance for a minute. 

This is a big risk, but Patrick kicks a soccer ball to make the point that he doesn't play soccer and Juan is no longer in the picture. Funny, but that's salt in a wound, Patrick. 

The only notable thing about Emil the helicopter pilot is him telling her his name is pronounced Ay-mil with an M. Yow, all he'd have to say is “rhymes with anal, but with an M!” He is so not getting a rose. 

The worst intro of the season may be by Brett the hairstylist. He presents Andi with a lamp because his mother told him never to meet a lady empty handed. Did his mother tell him not to steal from hotels? Woof.

Bradley the opera singer wants to sing for her and Nick S. the professional golfer wants to teach her to putt. Mike the bartender has bad hair, but he has a cute line about pretending the show doesn't exist and they've just met like normal people. Good call. 

Eric gives her little dolls he was given in Peru. So sad. RIP Eric. 

Josh M. is a former pro baseball player, and he's adorable. Andi says he's just her type. I think he's a lot of women's type. 

Inside the house, Andi meets with (who else?) Josh M. first. His mom loves her! She's the whole package! And he'll eat sushi! Still, she seems suspicious of him, because he's so much like past boyfriends. 

Marquel wants to do a cookie tasting. The love of his life right now is cookies. She digs the cookies. I think Marquel is genius. He wants her to look to the black and white cookie, which is a very smart way of addressing the fact he's African-American and she's not. Okay, Marquel is funny, too. I dig Marquel. She seems to like Marquel, too. 

Eric (R.I.P.) is doing a global odyssey, so he won't see everything. Oh, and he really won't. This is bumming me out. He has an option of having a travel companion. Andi is interested. I just don't know what to say about Eric. I really hope he doesn't suddenly emerge as a jerk or anything. 

Time for the first impression rose. But wait! There's someone loitering outside the house demanding to talk to Andi. And it's… a familiar face. Hey, that's Chris Bukowski from Emily's season of “The Bachelorette.” He was also on “Bachelor Pad.” C'mon, Chris, you've had your shot. But Chris Harrison will ask Andi if she wants to include him. 

But Andi is busy getting stuff from the bachelors. She gets a pair of pants. She gets golf lessons. There's some more food. She has no time for used-up bachelors!

Tasos is a big traveler! He's been to Greece. There doesn't seem to be a long list of locales coming, by the way. I don't get the impression he's been to many places beyond Greece. And his French sucks. Andi thinks there's something so intriguing about him. 

Next up, Nick V. reveals he has ten siblings. Andi thinks his is fascinating! I think that means a really crowded wedding, Andi. Think ahead. 

A bromance is in the works! Andrew and Patrick think they're of the same caliber and they both love cars. Hug it out, you guys!

Finally, Chris Harrison asks Andi if she wants to meet Chris B. On the one hand she does, but it wouldn't be fair to the other guys. Chris Harrison clearly agrees. You can tell he's one second away from blurting out a warning to Andi, but he doesn't need to. I'm wondering if she's remembering who he is. Or if she watched “Bachelor Pad.”

Chris does not take the rejection well. He has been out here for seven days! He didn't know when they were shooting or anything! I'm not leaving, Chris Harrison! Chris Harrison informs him that things will get “really bad” if he doesn't. Oh, that would be fun, wouldn't it? But no, Chris leaves without having to be arrested. Good choice. 

Chris the farmer grows corn and soybeans and feed animals, but guess who Andi picks to receive the first impression rose? Nick V. Um, okay. She digs sincerity! 

We skip right along to the first rose ceremony. There is simply no way to keep track of all these guys. 

J.J. gets a rose
Eric gets a rose 
Marquel gets a rose
Craig gets a rose
Tasos gets a rose
Josh M. gets a rose
Brian gets a rose
Bradley gets a rose
Marcus gets a rose
Andrew gets a rose
Ron gets a rose
Carl gets a rose
Chris gets a rose
Dylan gets a rose
Brett gets a rose
Patrick gets a rose
Cody gets a rose
Nick S. gets a rose

She got rid of attorney Rudie? What? And Dr. Jason! What? Josh B. is super disappointed. He just embarrassed the bleep out of himself. He didn't even want to do this stoopid show. Yeah, I think she was right to get rid of Josh B. 

So, we have our final men, and a look at the upcoming season promises good locales (Venice! Marseilles!) and tears. “You knew it was too good to be true, let's be honest,” Andi mutters tearfully as her sound pack is removed. Ah, looks like another emotionally harrowing season of “The Bachelorette”! 

Do you have any favorites? Do you think Andi is too smart to be on “The Bachelorette”? Were you surprised she got rid of the other attorney? 

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