So much happens in “The Men Tell All” episode of “The Bachelorette,” though much of that is filler. Here’s Des talking to other Bachelorettes about what she thinks might happen on the show! Here’s Des and J.P. from last season visiting random groups of fans who are supposed to be surprised but probably aren’t, as they needed to let an ABC film crew into their residence to get the reaction shot! Here are many, many montages of things you saw in past episodes! Here’s a blooper reel! It’s not really “The Men Tell All” as much as it is “The Men Tell Some Between Commercial Breaks and Other Stuff.”
But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t time for fighting and booing. The focus of the haterade was split between James and Ben, and though the other men tried very hard to smack down the both of them, most of the bitching and moaning seems to be the same arguments we heard when they were both on the show. Dan (I think it was Dan; I really don’t remember him that well) tattles that Ben’s baby mama sought him out to tell him that Ben cheated on her. It’s a convoluted, strange story that Ben can’t quite wrap his head around (“Why would she do that?” he asks, looking both pissed and confused). Before the whole weird mess can be fully unraveled, it’s on to something else. Even when Des comes out and confronts Ben, she doesn’t get a chance to say much beyond “You seemed insincere” and “You’re arrogant” then defend Michael G. for ripping him a new one before it’s time for a commercial.
Though I thought the guys had the most vitriol saved up for Ben, it turns out they really, really hated James. He was Not There For the Right Reasons, which is, as we know, a crime punishable by nonstop noogies or perhaps death. Mikey stands up to yell at Kasey in his buddy’s defense, and while Kasey makes the valid point that, uh, maybe he should pay attention to the point that James tried to toss him under the bus in defending himself, it’s not explored at any length.
Des does get a chance to ask James if he would consider becoming the next Bachelor, which results in the hi-larious response that it would be an offer he would have to take very seriously and consult his family about before accepting. This suggests he actually thinks this could be a possibility, which makes me think he is actually delusional enough to think that anyone would cast him as the Bachelor. Maybe a homeless guy or someone actively trying to torpedo the ABC network, but really, no one sane would do such a thing.
Des also tells James that, having watched the show, she sees that he totally tried to manipulate her. He apologizes, because there’s no reason not to, and that’s that. These shows always promise lots of fighting and confrontation, but really, there’s not enough time for complex arguments and I think security would stop any actually hair pulling.
Finally, everything ends on a sweet note with time spent with Juan Pablo (who is still, of course, muy caliente) and Zak W., who sings a song to Des that does not, apparently, have a bridge. But that’s fine. One of these two guys will be the Bachelor, so tweet away, #bachelornation!
What makes this episode memorable is that, for once, Chris Harrison may not be feeding us a total line of crap about the finale being The Most Intense Finale of the Show Ever. Yes, he says that every season. But this time, we get a little promo with lots of crying, lots of hair rubbing and lots of Des batting her big, false eyelashes and whining that she wants to go home. This could be a whole lot of nothing, but I will say I’m sucked in (I mean, I was gonna watch anyway).
Could this be the first time the Bachelorette just says screw it and ditches everybody? That wouldn’t be the fairy tale ending, but it does have a feisty, ’90s romcom sensibility to it. I’m down with the unexpected at this point. After all most of this relationships don’t last more than a month. Let’s see the big, nasty break-ups now so we don’t all have to subscribe to Us Weekly!
What do you think is going to happen? Did you like Zak W.’s song? Do you think Ben and James were properly punished?