‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: ‘Praise the Pageant’

02.18.13 4 years ago


Le sigh. It’s time for yet another uneven episode of “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” which alternates between kinda boring and off-the-rails nutjob crazy. This week, it’s a little more the former simply because Kenya is behaving herself like a proper Miss USA and not running around twirling her dress. I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on Kenya for “RHoA” drama, sort of like ignoring a creeping caffeine addiction or a suspicious mole, but now I’m confronted with the reality that the show is just kind of dull without her shenanigans, whether I like her or not.

Really, if you subtract Kenya from the equation, the show has been pretty tame this season. With NeNe on the sidelines (and fellow rabble rousers Sheree and Kim long gone), there aren’t too many other women eager to kick up a fuss these days. Kandi is too busy getting prayed up, Porsha is simply too dimwitted, Cynthia is mostly too wishy-washy and Phaedra is seemingly too busy (oh, yeah, she does have a real job, I guess) to be pulled into any drama that doesn’t involve Kenya pushing her buttons. Tthe ball has really been left in Kenya’s court. But I guess one of the deals she made with a higher power while waiting for the results of her biopsy was to be a good girl, and I’m sure she’ll honor that agreement for at least a week or so.

Anyway, a few things did happen this week.  

Porsha wants a baby, so she decides to practice on a real one who will hopefully survive the experience

So, Porsha goes out with Kordell (Flimmin on the flammin flam!) to talk about making babies. I mean, that she wants babies, not that she doesn’t know how they’re made — though I wouldn’t rule that out when Porsha is involved. After Kordel bullies her out of ordering a Sprite, he tells her he wants her to give up her career to stay at home and watch their babies, which just about makes me pass out. She has a CAREER? In what? Shopping? Walking around? Putting on eye make-up? Seriously, Cynthia didn’t trust this idiot to help her out on her creepy kiddy pageant for free, so I can’t really wrap my head around Porsha having a job. Or reproducing. 

Anyway, Porsha thinks she can have it all. And having it all requires a nanny! Kordell is not convinced. He wants a wifey who stays at home and changes diapers, dammit! He isn’t sure she’s ready to be a mom, though. I thought they’d been trying for a while? Well, thankfully, the producers of the show want to massage this storyline for laughs, so Porsha gets to experiment! 

Porsha suggests they borrow Jadynn, her brother’s kid whom she almost bounced on her head, so she can practice on the poor little thing. This is kind of like using her niece like one of those sex ed dolls that cries on a schedule and can tell when you shake it, except Jadynn may not show obvious signs of abuse after a fun, fun, fun week with Porsha. I am so worried for Jadynn. Does Porsha’s brother not know Porsha? 

Kordell accepts the idea, but refuses to help her. He doesn’t want her to be dependent on anyone else for help, or changing diapers, or smothering Jadynn with a pillow. He ain’t taking that jail time, flimmin on the flam jam!

Okay, I’m joking, but Porsha is clearly at a loss as to what to do with Jadynn once she gets her home. As for Jadynn, she appears to be nervously hunting for an exit every time Porsha puts her down on the floor. Porsha also feeds Jadynn a very nutritious meal of Twizzlers. I kind of suspect Jadynn’s mom is waiting in another room for the camera crew to leave so she can take her baby home, because I can’t imagine any mother of a toddler just dumping the kid for a week with someone like Porsha. It’s like leaving your kid in front of the television with a box of Cheerios while you take off for a little trip to Reno.

The good news is that Jadynn survives Porsha long enough to get a really crappy (pun intended) diaper change and later attend Cynthia’s pageant, which suggests she may have survived the whole ordeal. Fingers crossed! 

Chef Roble cooks vagina mussels 

This scene, which shows Kandi and Todd eating at Phaedra and Apollo’s house, doesn’t serve much purpose except to let us know that Chef Roble is still around, and Bravo still has some use for him even if the network doesn’t want to air any more episodes of his reality TV show. Also, he informs Phaedra that mussels look like vaginas, so that’s what’s for dinner. Yum? Phaedra’s just impressed he uses the word vagina and not minihaha or hoohoo or some wretched street slang. I’m just thinking I never, ever want to eat mussels again. 

Kandi gets her gospel on

Guess what? People singing in a studio is just about as boring as you might have suspected. This segment is great for fans of Marvin Sapp, who is very good at what he does, but somehow it ends up being about Kandi’s dad tearing up for no good reason and just making everyone, including poor Marvin Sapp, kind of uncomfortable. 

NeNe returns to Atlanta to check her mail

Gosh, that NeNe with her jetset lifestyle! She toodles into Atlanta, which gives Cynthia the opportunity to jump onto her like a desperate hyaena who needs constant reassurance from the gazelle it’s trying to eat. I’m worried about the pageant! I miss you so much! Please live my life for me! I wish I had a spine! NeNe pries Cynthia off her neck and tells her that because she’s running all over the place and panicking, her pageant is going to be GREAT. NeNe, if you hadn’t noticed previously, is full of crap.  

The pageant happens

Despite promos promising a car wreck in sequins, the pageant doesn’t look any worse than anything you see on “Toddlers & Tiaras,” though some of those are pretty wretched for all sorts of reasons. There are some goofs — co-host Boris Kodjoe forgets to wear a suit, the script gets screwed up, and it takes forever to announce the winners — but really, it’s not bad at all. Cynthia is proud of herself and honestly should be. Porsha is still a little offended she was not only fired but didn’t get to sing, but she’s letting it go. Until she needs more camera time and a reason to argue with Cynthia. 

Even Kenya, who shows up to judge (which really should have been an invitation to the dance of disaster), is perfectly well-behaved. I almost expected someone affiliated with “RHoA” to start a small fire in the make-up room or yank off part of Cynthia’s dress for a wardrobe malfunction, but no such luck. It’s one small win for Cynthia, one giant yawn for “RHoA.” 

What did you think of Cynthia’s pageant? Do you plan to buy Kandi’s gospel song? Do you think Porsha will be a good mom? 

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