‘The Real Housewives of New York City’ recap: ‘I’m U.K., You’re U.K.’

07.10.12 6 years ago 2 Comments


The ladies, sans Ramona, are off to London for three days of fun, fun, fun. Yeah, baby! Shockingly, with the exception of some after-the-fact sniping, it seems as if fun actually was had by all. No hair pulling, no cursing, no stomping of six-inch heels. Maybe it was all that proper English etiquette, or maybe it was the booze. Actually, it was definitely the booze. What was I thinking?

The ladies take the red eye to London, and the gals settle into the limo. Carole, who is most likely jet lagged, declares that both Sonja and LuAnn are pumpkin heads. This is ostensibly a compliment. “I only call my most gorgeous friends Pumpkin Head,” she declares, and LuAnn and Sonjua, both of them also jet-lagged, decide to see having enormous heads as a good thing. I am wondering if Ramona’s absence is such a relief they’ll take any nickname, including Fat Ass and Snaggletooth, as complimentary.

Back in New York, Aviva and Ramona go shoe shopping. Ramona decides this is her golden opportunity to act like a wall-eyed, semi-brain damaged freak about Aviva’s leg. It has VEINS! Can you really wear a BATHING SUIT? IN PUBLIC? WITHOUT A LEG? DON’T THEY ARREST PEOPLE FOR THAT? OH MY GOD! Hey, that silicone leg of yours is actually nicer than your hairy, gross real one! Why not have the other one lopped off? Isn’t THAT A GREAT IDEA? Aviva is shockingly tolerant of Ramona’s gobsmacked weirdness about this. Ramona actually steps away from Aviva so she can stare at her prosthesis in shock and awe, her mouth hanging open as the salesman in the store looks like he’s seriously considering having her removed.

In England, the girls check into their sumptuous penthouse suite, then go shopping. Sonja can’t just spend money like LuAnn and Carole. She’s afraid that one day she’ll be sitting in a subway station, begging for money. Yes, that seems likely.

They also stroll around Carole’s old neighborhood. After her husband died, she left her job at ABC News and moved to London. LuAnn wanted to move to London one day! She can’t believe she and Carole didn’t stumble across one another when she lived in Europe! They know all the same people! Carole can’t believe LuAnn always has to have the last word. 

Anyway, their last stop for the evening is to go to a dinner that Heather is hosting for her Yummie Tummie minions. But no one can just sit down and eat. No, first they have to stand up, introduce themselves, and explain why they LOVE Yummie Tummie! I wish someone would just say, “because the paychecks cover my bills,” but no, all of the minions must make up big, dumb stories about why they like girdles. Carole refuses to stand up, as she doesn’t work for Yummie Tummie. LuAnn, however, makes a point of being a team player and pledging her loyalty to the brand, probably because she wants some extra bodysuits or something. Sonja being Sonja, she makes a pleasant little speech that makes Heather gleefully happy. Then, it’s time for a trip to the egg-shaped bathrooms. Literally, they’re pods. I hope this trend doesn’t catch on in the U.S., because it sort of looks like a giant, plastic-pooping alien laid eggs in this restaurant so it can hatch stomach-exploding monsters that will inspire another movie franchise.

The next morning, Heather forces Carole to get up at the crack of ass to be her lifecoach or some crap during her TV interview. I’m pretty sure Heather is thoroughly media trained, and poor Carole looks like there isn’t enough coffee in the world to get her through this process, which goes off without a hitch as expected. But where there are two Housewives, there’s a pretty good chance Bravo will send a camera crew, so Heather gets twice the exposure for her brand. And yet I still don’t want to buy a girdle. She can call it Yummie Tummie shapewear all she wants, but she’s still selling damn girdles.

Back in New York, Ramona is bulldozing her way through life, per usual. She’s speaking at the Learning Annex. Why isn’t her photo on all the signs? Why doesn’t she have a NICE table to sit at? Because it’s THE LEARNING ANNEX, Ramona. Not Harvard, not an ACTUAL school. Ramona insists that she’s a successful business woman, not a control freak. Yeah, that’s it.

Ramona also has a lovely evening out with Aviva and their significant others. Ramona is SURE she’s having a better time than those bitches in London. And she’s sure Heather won’t stop talking, so LuAnn and Carole are miserable. And she thinks Heather is fake. Ramona doesn’t care that she’s not in London, except she can’t stop talking about the women who are in London, which seems to undercut her argument. Aviva’s husband Reid suggests that Heather is jealous of Ramona. Oh, Reid. Even Ramona can’t say that with a straight face, so she suggests that Heather is insecure. Yes, Ramona is just so real.

Back in London, the girls are having a truly miserable time eating and drinking and playing games in their super penthouse. Yes, Ramona is clearly right about how torturous London is. Many Polaroid pictures are taken, and while Heather talks a lot, so does LuAnn, so it seems to balance out. Yes, Carole gets a little sick of LuAnn’s one upsmanship, but for the time being, Carole is tolerating it, so a good time is had by all.

Heather does momentarily address the Not Inviting Ramona issue, which LuAnn supports wholeheartedly. Sonja tries to rally to Ramona’s defense, but she’s a lonely voice braying into the night.  Oh, oh Sonja. You’re too nice for your own good. Or maybe too crazy. Defending Ramona has to take a certain amount of denial, after all.

Apropos of nothing, Carole starts talking about a story she did about the most attractive measurements to a man, as they indicate fertility. That, of course, makes LuAnn’s ears perk right up. After all, if she has the right measurements, she’ll have a kid, right? Fertility has nothing to do with the fact she’s 47 YEARS OLD. Menopause is a hell of a lot more likely to be showing up on LuAnn’s doorstep with a basket full of hot flashes than the stork. None of the other girls seem to think LuAnn is slightly insane, or at least they don’t say it out loud if they do.

Shockingly, back in New York Aviva ends her evening with Ramona not by running from the room, but by inviting her and her man to come with her and Reid to Florida for an art show. Aviva dubs herself a junior Ramona, which is not unlike calling yourself a junior she-beast or a junior werewolf, but whatever makes her happy.

Next week promises a little more excitement when Carole finally decides to stop LuAnn from getting the last word for once, and another face-off between Heather and Ramona. I guess that veddy propah English etiquette isn’t likely to stick with our Noo Yawk housewives forever.

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