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Is Your Ugly Boyfriend Stressing You Out?

By / 02.04.11

Hey, it's '80s Dino Rock Soap!


In societies that believe in monogamy, most people find someone eventually.  A partner, a lover, somebody to hold close.  But according to science, if you decided to settle, it might be killing your health.  But, have no fear, if you’re stressed, the hot new spa treatment sweeping the nation might help: by blasting your lady parts with steam.  All this and adorable baby animals, here at Uproxx News.

First up, how, precisely, is your ugly partner killing you?  Well, scientists previously believed that in monogamous species like birds and, despite what your douchebag ex insisted, humans, members got settled in with their ideal mate.  Everybody found somebody just as charming and attractive as they were, and reproduced accordingly, with the uggos hopefully just abstaining from birth altogether.

Unsurprisingly, a new study has challenged this exceptionally Hallmark view of monogamy.  It turns out that settling for the guy that’s available doesn’t make you fall in love: it drives up your stress level and in turn your level of corticosterone, a hormone that apparently exists entirely to enable bad decisions like cheating on your partner and breaking up with a screaming match in an Arby’s parking lot over who gets the curly fries.

Before you ask, no, they didn’t test male stress level.

So why does this happen, anyway?  To foster genetic diversity in the species.  Nature doesn’t care if you’re happy, as long as you’re reproducing, bucko.

There is some hope for the shlub married to the goddess, however: apparently the longer you’re together, the better you work as a team, and the more energy you focus into teamwork, and no, that’s not a euphemism for anything, the better your relationship will be.  Failing that, just give her the curly fries.

Meanwhile, for all these stressed-out women, a new spa treatment is starting to catch on called chai-yok.  Despite sounding like a hack stand-up’s idea for a new Starbucks drink, what it actually is is a bunch of herbs placed into a cup of steaming hot water.  Then you sit on an open stool and let them steam your vagina.

That’s it.  That’s the treatment.  Steam-cleaning your lady parts with what wafts off an exceptionally pungent cup of tea.

Unsurprisingly, chai-yok is having a bit of a hard time catching on, possibly because of Stanley Steemer’s unfortunate “Ladie’s Night Coupon” experiment.  But there are some people who sincerely believe it can help with periods, getting pregnant, and in reducing stress, and are trying to spread the gospel of sitting naked over a cup of tea as a health remedy.

We sincerely wish them good luck and godspeed.  Personally, we’re going to simply continue with our routine of dripping caffeine directly into the bloodstream.  No, it doesn’t help with anything medically, but you get a lot done once you no longer sleep.

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  • Settling for what they think is less stresses women out. What we find interesting is that nobody on this study bothered to check what the male birds’ stress levels were. (MSNBC)
  • Meanwhile, there are people in California paying twenty bucks a throw to sit naked over tea. Why do we work day jobs again? (LA Times)

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  • In adorable/terrifying baby animal news, the birth of a brood of baby seahorses was caught on video by a worker at the Tennessee Aquarium, which is rare as the births happen so quickly, usually within thirty seconds. The baby seahorses are adorable. The birth process…not so much. And that’s the guy giving birth out his navel. Ouch. (Our Amazing Planet)
  • Meanwhile, in San Diego, Yun Zi, who has the unfair cuteness advantage of being both a panda bear and a cub, has discovered the only person who can ignore him: his mom. The bear cub is being weaned from his mom and soon they’ll live apart from each other. Yun Zi, for his part, is looking forward to Mom not coming over and seeing all the beer in his fridge. (Zoo and Aquarium Visitor. Apparently, it’s popular enough to merit its own magazine.)

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KNOW YOUR STATS

  • What number of Americans get divorced, per capita? 4.95 per 1000 people. If you want the lowest divorce rate, go to Sri Lanka, with a per-capita divorce rate of .15 per 1000 people. (NationMaster)
  • Meanwhile, Allergan, a company that provides medicines and medical devices for, ah, “cosmetic enhancement” was up 7% in sales last year despite the terrible economy. Ahhhh, vanity! (Toronto Star)


TAGSbaby pandasCALIFORNIAchai-yokmonogamy is a type of wood right?relationshipsseahorsesstress

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