Crime is always a reliable topic for news reportage, because the laws of man and the laws of human stupidity intersect on a fairly regular basis. But lately we’ve noticed a trend of criminals getting dumber, meaner, and craftier, although not necessarily all three at once. Here are three demonstrations of how crime doesn’t pay today, courtesy of Uproxx News.
First up, Anthony Black of Chickasaw, OK. Mr. Black was considering purchasing a chainsaw, but realized he had a low amount of funds. So he did what any reasonable person would do: stuff the fifty-pound machine down his pants and try to walk out of the store.
Unsurprisingly, Black was drunk and store employees quickly thought to ask him why he was suddenly waddling around the store instead of walking. Black somehow managed to make a run for it, the chainsaw falling out of his pants, and jumped into a shallow creek to try to escape. Equally unsurprisingly, this escape plan failed. Black was arrested on theft charges. The chainsaw, meanwhile, was returned to the store, but now smells kinda funny.
A slightly smarter, but only just, criminal was recently discovered in Volusia County in Florida. James Morris had apparently decided the best way to support his gambling habit was to steal the personal property of students, which probably marks one of the few times it’s the teacher taking your neat stuff instead of some thuggish bully practicing for his time in jail.
Morris, showing the kind of intelligence one expects from somebody who steals from a school, pawned the equipment he stole, in the case of a laptop pawning it twice. Needless to say, full records with his name all over them were available, and police easily tracked Morris down. Morris is currently in jail on theft charges, wondering just why he put so much money on the Steelers.
Finally, proof that even cops can have their slow moments. A 19-year-old burglary suspect in Henderson, NV, was arrested and put in the back of a police car. End of the story? Well, no, not when the subject slips his cuffs in front of him, worms his way through a one-foot square space, and gets behind the wheel, where the keys are just waiting for him to take a ride to freedom, or at least to a really funny story to tell in the jailhouse.
He made it to two miles away, and was found hiding among some houses, the dignity of the Henderson police force also on his person. Whoever this young man may be, all we can say is that we salute your fortitude, and also your skinniness, because wow, a foot-square? Do you eat anything at all?
- Drunk man attempts to shoplift a chainsaw by sticking it down his pants. Why do we get the feeling this is normal in Oklahoma? (MSNBC)
- Music teacher in Florida is convicted of stealing from teenagers. That’ll teach ’em! (Orlando Sentinel)
- Nevada man steals cop car while locked in the back. Obviously needs to consider career as escape artist. (Yahoo!)
- In animal news, a man in Mississippi was just innocently fishing when he caught something. If this sounds boring, we should mention what he caught was a 300 pound alligator gar fish that was eight feet long. Sadly, he doesn’t get to keep it: as it’s likely the largest gar fish ever caught, it’s going to be stuffed and put on display at the Mississippi Museum of Natural History. We just hope it’s actually dead and not just waiting for fresh victims to come near it. (Yahoo!)
- Meanwhile, in Germany, a man driving down the autobahn caught something on his bumper: a frozen pig knuckle. Apparently, the German police find this absolutely hilarious. Personally, we’re wondering what else falls off of trucks on the autobahn, and whether a bumper will stop it. (Reuters)
- There are over a million car thefts each year. And apparently a tenth of them happen in Nevada. We’re guessing that skinny guy from Henderson goes to Vegas a lot. (Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department)
- There are more than thirty thousand chainsaw accidents each year. Almost all of them are preceded by the statement: “Hold my beer and watch this.” (Gardening Resources)