The female form has been the subject of endless speculation and misinformation throughout the centuries. To many men, lady parts and how they work remain an inscrutable mystery, something their wives no doubt find deeply frustrating. But a recent police incident has deepened that mystery. Yes, today it’s all about the ladies, and for some reason the fine state of Pennsylvania, here at Uproxx News.
First, the strange case of Karin Mackaliunas, a resident of Scranton who was searched routinely after a car crash and found to have three bags of heroin in her jacket pocket, which explains a lot about the behavior of Dunder Mifflin employees. Mackaliunas was arrested and after arriving at the police station, admitted she had more heroin in her vagina.
Specifically, she had 54 full bags of heroin, 31 empty bags to later be filled with heroin, some prescription pills, $51.22, twelve clowns, seven Duggar children and an entire apartment complex. In her vagina. The doctor who removed the materials (some of which we made up) is reported to have gone from amused to grossed out to terrified, especially when he had to break out the mining hard hat with the little light on it.
Just to forestall all the fat jokes, Karin Mackaliunas looks like this:
Yeah, if we went through what she went through, we’d have that look on our face too.
Here’s what we’re a bit hazy on: how, precisely, this method of smuggling drugs came about. Was it a suggestion from her boyfriend, or do a lot of heroin smugglers do this? Or was it more of a dealer seeing her drunkenly demonstrate this capacity at a party (“Ain’t no party like a Scranton party”, indeed!) and having a lightbulb go on, and then after the hookup realize “Hey, she could totally smuggle drugs in that thing?”
Either way, Mackaliunas is being held on $25,000 bail, which will no doubt be provided by creepy guys from the Internet, along with lots of webcams and unusually sized objects. Hey, it’s a more legitimate career than smuggling heroin, and probably more dignified, at least until 4Chan gets involved.
Moving in a southerly direction, we come to Dr. Ted Eisenberg, a professional knife thrower and respected Philadelphia-area plastic surgeon who holds the world record in boob-handling.
Fine, fine, he actually holds the world record in boob jobs. Dr. Eisenberg stumbled across the Guinness World Record folks at a knife-throwing convention (isn’t that an OSHA violation just waiting to happen?) and discovered that if he could document having done more than 3000 breast augmentation surgeries, he would hold the world record. A quick check revealed Eisenberg had at least 3460 on record, but he claims to have done 4700, which opens up the question of how good Dr. Eisenberg’s records are, but either way, the man has been paid, and handsomely, to touch more than seven thousand breasts.
No word on how many he’s hit across the room with a scalpel, but that would make a great YouTube video.
Now, if we can just figure out why both of these stories happened in Pennsylvania…
- Vagina: we guess it really IS a clown car, after all. (MSNBC)
- Philly plastic surgeon has good aim, lots of boob-touching experience. (AOL News)
Meanwhile, in tech news, we’ve got a few updates on the ongoing festival of consumer abuse that is the threatening AT&T/T-Mobile merger:
- T-Mobile phones will be unceremoniously dumped off their 3G network over the next few years as AT&T uses T-Mobile towers for 4G service. Fortunately, this is AT&T, so the process of actually doing this will take forever, and the calls will start dropping immediately anyway. (Star Tribune)
- The CTIA opened Monday and cell phone manufacturers are almost as enthusiastic about the deal as T-Mobile subscribers, who are decidedly mixed on the deal. (Wall Street Journal)
- The Consumer’s Union is almost as enthusiastic as cell phone manufacturers about the deal. (Dallas Morning News)
- There were three times as many breast augmentation surgeries in 2008 as there were in 1997, 355,671 to 101,176. Why precisely that’s true, we’re not sure, but we bet Dr. Ted Eisenberg had something to do with it. (Cosmetic Plastic Surgery Statistics)
- The average vagina is three to four inches deep unaroused, and five to seven inches deep when aroused. Unless, apparently, you’re smuggling heroin in Scranton. Or maybe having ’80s hair and duckface helps deepen the vagina, it’s certainly something Mackaliunas tried. (Go Ask Alice)