Demetri Martin on dieting


Esquire has an excerpt from Demetri Martin’s new book, “This Is a Book” on his ever-evolving diet.

I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an “Omnivore.” Like a lot of people, I didn’t know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a “Vegetarian.”

I started out as a “Regular Vegetarian” (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a “Constipated Vegetarian” (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a “Strict Vegetarian.” That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way — like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.

This cuts a little too close to home, to be honest with you.

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