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The Dugout: SFinal Destination

By / 08.19.11

The San Francisco Giants are getting disabled!

“Baseball players getting injured” is a stalwart topic of conversation in the Official Chatroom Of Major League Baseball™ and the defending World Series champions are rewriting the book. To get an insider’s perspective on the series of unfortunate events befalling the Giants I went to Giants fan and California resident Bill Hanstock, the man who helped me out with The Dugout by Charles Bukowski. Bill’s inside information was “oh my god” and “what is happening”, so I asked him to fill in on today’s strip. Dugout Celebrity Guest Writer week continues (roughly bi-monthly for the rest of my life)!

After the jump, check out part one of SFinal Destination. Part 2 will be arriving shortly, and you’d think that’d be the end, but nope, five more sequels.

The Dugout

 

**Online Host**
Welcome to the San Francisco Giants 2011 Spring Training Chatroom!

 
BochyBall: Boy, it shore was great winning the Warld Series last year!  
RideTheSabean: I’ll say it was! And we owe it largely in part to our roster’s nearly unheard-of ability to stay healthy the entire season!  
BochyBall: /nods  
RideTheSabean: With a full season of Cody Ross, Pat Burrell, Buster Posey, and the foolproof acquisition of Miguel Tejada, we’re sure to be favorites deep into the 2011 postseason.  

SMiLE: Repeat. Mark it down.

/smugs
/doesn’t know how to pronounce “sepia”

 
BochyBall: Warlp, back to the ol’ grindstone.  

DashingCodyRoss: Woop! Fly ball! Got this one, no problem.

/breaks into slow trot

 
  **Online Host**
DashingCodyRoss has just blown out his calf.
 
BochyBall: No worries there, Cody. We got outfielders to spare this year. Puttin’ you on the DL to start the year is just a minor bump in the  
  **Online Host**
SMiLE has strained his back.
 
BochyBall: What happened? You haven’t even pitched yet.  
SMiLE: No way of telling, chemo sobby. I was just talking to my buddy, The Machine. You may have heard of him? Guy who dresses like the popular WWF tag team Demolition? Walks around my house during interviews?  
BochyBall: yeah you won’t shut up about him  

SMiLE: ANYWHO, we were talking about secret ninja tactics, and I ended the conversation the way I always do /smirks as hard as he can

GAH /grabs back

 

BochyBall: Warlp don’t you sweat it, Willy. We got the best dang bullpen in the game. We can make a couple of weeks without you.

 
SMiLE: Got heeeeeeem.  
BochyBall: Sure, whatever.  
  **Online Host**
Welcome to the San Francisco Giants 2011 Home Opener Chatroom!
 
DukeNeukom: Welcome home, champs! Here’s your fancy World Series rings!  
BochyBall: Thanks, Neuky. A grueling road trip to start the season, so it’s great to be home.  
HulkBelievesAndresTorres: A fly ball I catch it.
/places weight normally on foot like any normal human being
 
  **Online Host**
HulkBelievesAndresTorres has torn his Achilles tendon to smithereens.
 

BochyBall: It’s okay, Arndres, we got ol’ giraffe-neck here to play cernter field while you get this fixed
up.

 

RowandBehold: /squats

/waggles bat for no good reason
/leans back
/waggle
/squat
/swings and misses at slider low and away

 
  **Online Host**
Welcome to the 2011 San Francisco Giants Mid-April Chatroom!
 

DirtCircle: I so happy to bing in shay now. Watch out for e’skeeny Panda! I go heet balls now. BAP BAP
BAP all over the play like Lima tine (Go ress he soul)

/takes normal batting practice swings

ARRRRGGHHH

 
  **Online Host**
DirtCircle has broken his hamate bone.
 
DirtCircle: oh no how I’m eat hony glaze hamns now  
BochyBall: Easy there, Sandy. Lemme take a look.  
BakedZito: /zens
/throws pitch
 
  **Online Host**
BakedZito has super-sprained his ankle.
 
BakedZito: Drag, man.  
BochyBall: what i only turned my back for a minute.  
BakedZito: Ahem.  

BochyBall: /sighs
/hands BakedZito a huge bag of money

 
  ** Online Host **
Welcome to the 2011 San Francisco Giants Late-May Chatroom!
 
BabyBuster: Hey Scott, what’s new?  
LesCousinsDangereaux: RAAAARRRRGH /executes John Cena leaping dog shoulderblock  
BabyBuster: JEEPERS!  
  ** Online Host **
BabyBuster’s ankle has left the chatroom.
 
BabyBuster: My foot-bendy thing! Yowch! Jeezly crow! /claws at dirt in agony  
DirtCircle: It sokay Boster you can sit on bendge with me. I share my big bag of candy.  
BochyBall: Get the trainer in here!  
  ** Online Host **
Candymanx5 has entered the chatroom.
 
Candymanx5: SHHHHH. PLEASE. YOU’LL WAKE THE DEAD.  
BochyBall: what  
Candymanx5: IN INJURY. THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS. NO COINCIDENCES. NO MISHAPS. AND NO
ESCAPES.
 
BochyBall: so is his ankle gonna be okay or  
Candymanx5: EVERY SINGLE MOVE WE MAKE. FROM THE MUNDANE TO THE MONUMENTAL. THE STOP
SIGN THAT WE RUN THROUGH OR HOLD UP AT. THE SQUEEZE PLAYS THAT WE EXECUTE, OR DON’T. THE
WALKS THAT WE TAKE, OR PITCHES THAT WE SWING AT.
 
BochyBall: Oh no, my men are on strict orders to never take walks.  
Candymanx5: IT’S ALL PART OF INJURY’S DISTINCT DESIGN, LEADING TO THE DL  
BochyBall: /chews fingernails absently  
Candymanx5: BEWARE THE RISK OF CHEATING THE PLAN. DISRESPECTING THE DESIGN. COULD INITIATE
A HORRIFYING FURY THAT WOULD TERRORIZE EVEN KEN GRIFFEY, JR. AND YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO
F*CK WITH THAT MACK DADDY.
 
BochyBall: Warlp, thanks, mysterious trainer. We’ll take it from here.  
IFontenotWhatYoureThinking: Coach, coach! I pulled my groin!  
BochyBall: Nobody cares, Fonty.  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TO BE CONTINUUM


TAGSAARON ROWANDANDRES TORRESBARRY ZITOBaseballBILL NEUKOMBRIAN SABEANBRIAN WILSONBRUCE BOCHYBUSTER POSEYBUSTER POSEY INJURYFINAL DESTINATIONMIKE FONTENOTMLBPABLO SANDOVALSAN FRANCISCO GIANTSSCOTT COUSINSTHE DUGOUT

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