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The Dugout Opening Days '12: Tampa Bay Rays

By / 04.05.12

kyle-farnsworth-rays

Baseball season is officially upon us, and that means only one thing — the return of The Dugout, the Internet’s longest running and most critically acclaimed webcomic about baseball players with pun screen names pretending to curse at each other over AIM. Yes, this is still a thing.

And to celebrate Major League Baseball splitting Opening Day up into like 40 smaller, less important games over the span of a month and at least one ceremony meant to humiliate Muhammad Ali, the normal Spring Training event we like to do has been replaced by Opening Days, a Dugout maxi-series that will span all 25 teams and let you find out what your favorite players are up to in 2012.

There are still only 25 teams, right? Well, 25 important ones. Or was that 5 important ones?

Anyway, whether it takes me a month or I’m still writing Opening Days segments into 2013, here’s episode one: The Tampa Bay Rays.


The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the Tampa Bay Rays Spring Training Chatroom!

 
Maddon12: Welcome back, everyone! Good to see ev’rybody again.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: exsqueeze me im looken for the pauler abdul chatroom on aol keyword pauler abdul, is this that  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: do chatrooms even exist anymore where the f**k are we cant we just congergate via intelliphone  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: wait or just talk to each others in real life

what have i been doing with my life

 

Maddon12: Now, as many of you know, we’ve taken the necessary steps to remedy last year’s disappointing “be 20 games over .500, finish second because you’re in the least fair division ever, get your assholes Feliz’d by the Rangers” season.

 
Maddon12: also the Miami Marlins sorta stole our thing as the badly-dressed low rent Florida team with a shitty stadium who nobody cares about  
BrignacPaddywhack: my wife cares about me!!!  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: no she dont  
WhatPriceGlory: No, she really doesn’t. And I’ve been telling you for like a year, that’s not your wife, it’s your Mom.  
BrignacPaddywhack: oh  
BrignacPaddywhack: oh ok that would explain why she’s so much bigger’n me  
Maddon12: Anyway, we’ve got to find some quick new ways to catch up with the Marlins and improve our team. Whatta you guys think about new unis?  
SophiesJoyce: no  
Maddon12: A new stadium? One we don’t have to be ashamed to play in? One that doesn’t look like a Diva Cup?  
WhatPriceGlory: No.  
UptonGirl: god no  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: our are tax dollars at work!!!!  
Maddon12: What about a new mascot? Like, an additional one.  
SophiesJoyce: can we not sign any additional baseball players?  
WhatPriceGlory: Yeah skip, I think we’ve still got holes to fill, unless on the roster page where it says “Fernando Rodney” you meant to write “not Fernando Rodney”  
SpareTheRod: heyyy  

Maddon12: if we’re going to come out on top of the Yanks and Sox this year we’ve got to stop thinking like scouts and focus on the INTANGIBLES, like how many people are entertained on the left of the arena when Raymond is high-fiving on the right

the Marlins are moving our fish tank from the outfield to behind home plate and god dammit that was our identity

 
Maddon12: so let’s hear some chatter … what’s our new mascot gonna be? Ideas?  
SophiesJoyce: sigh, I don’t know, an anthropomorphic stingray named Ray Kinsella?  
Maddon12: no, no  
UptonGirl: howsabout a fuzzy whatchamacallit by the name of Base Hit, he can make your next gathering or corporate event fun  
Maddon12: No, that’s just Raymond.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: nah dont get ridda raymon every body loves raymon  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: lol get it, like the tv progrum

i cant believe nobody ever thought of that joke i am like a monnern day louis anderson

 
SophiesJoyce: An inflatable baseball bat and he dances in place!  
WhatPriceGlory: A guy with a baseball head, and we give him slanty eyes and a purse or whatever because baseball headed guys have to be weirdly gay or racist.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: pauler adbul from the a cold hearted snake video

a cold hearted snake

 
Maddon12: No. /cleans lady glasses  
UptonGirl: cheerleaders instead of a mascot and we make a bunch of puns about how they get a “rays” out of the crowd.  
SophiesJoyce: we point out all the empty space in Tropicana Field and say the mascot is invisible and also huge so nobody can sit where he stands  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: pauler adbul from the vibeology video where she spells a lot an she got that sex-you-ali-tay  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: fake skinny pauler abdul from the promise of a new day video  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: kaenu reefs from the rush rush video idk  
Maddon12: NO! Those are all terrible ideas.  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: a contrarian afro american cat in the style of “opposite subtract” video superstar m.c. skatecat  
WhatPriceGlory: This is stupid.  
Maddon12: Wait a minute, go back … what was that last one again?  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: hiphopsmith m.c. skatecat

he was like arsennial hall but in cat form, like a pist off sinbad the comedian but as a cat man an he danced, an his tail was like a dick an he put it in pauler abdul’s underdress

 
WhatPriceGlory: Come on. Really?  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: he was actually quiet good he was objectively one of the decades best rappists  
Maddon12: No… no, I like that! In fact, I LOVE that!  
Maddon12: Kyle, can you get me in contact with whoever designed such a wonderful creature?  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: sure if i can ever get this prodigy disc to boot  
WhatPriceGlory: Skip, this is a terrible idea. Nobody’s going to come out to the ballpark to see a blackface cat mascot. It doesn’t make any sense for us. Why would that even exist?  
 

** Online Host **
40 Minutes Later

 
DJKitty: /exists

 
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: in all srsnss do u really believe that opposites attract, was it natural fact or simply fiction  
DJKitty: /offers up high-five  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: do u realize that if you take 2 steps foward an 2 steps back u arent traveling so you cant really come together with someone unless they was standin back to back or chest to back to you or whatever before you started  
DJKitty: /hip hop dances  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: blergh i hate you  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: i helped crate u with my own 2 hands an now all you are is a f**ken pile of a horses shits  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rsnw0rth: now i know how josh whedon must feel whenever he remembers dollhouse  
 

** Online Host **
Meanwhile …

 
WhatPriceGlory: so uh, new uniforms I guess  
Maddon12: red, yellow, blue, green, black, white, off-white, flashing orange lights and hypercolor, yes.  
WhatPriceGlory: I f**king hate baseball.  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TAGSBaseballBJ UPTONDAVID PRICEFERNANDO RODNEYJOE MADDONKYLE FARNSWORTHMATT JOYCEMIAMI MARLINSMLBREID BRIGNACTAMPA BAY RAYSTHE DUGOUTTHE DUGOUT OPENING DAYS

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