Best And Worst: Do Not Let Vince McMahon Have Segments With Black People
I need to divide this up into smaller Bests and Worsts, as it was one of the most perplexing two-twenties of television on record.
Best: Vince should’ve interrupted Natalya with “you’re the one that farts, right” and then walked away.
Worst: So the Funkadactyls aren’t called “Funkadactyls” because they needed a different dinosaur thing with “funk” in front of it, they’re Funkadactyls because they are funky and sound like f**king pterodactyls. Man, I can’t remember the last time I wanted two WWE characters to shut up so badly*. They sounded like the main character’s wacky friends on a Disney Channel show.
Worst: As if Vince McMahon calling John Cena his nigga wasn’t enough, here we have Vince disco dancing to magical theme music with two cartoonish black ladies who have their worries satiated by funk. Do not let Vince McMahon have segments with black people. He doesn’t understand that they are people and it never ends well.
Best: This is the best use of Zack Ryder in at least six months.
Best: President’s Day
I’m just gonna keep screencapping these guys for posterity. Hopefully the Ryback angle ends with all the jobbers he’s faced turning into some weird jobber Mecha Shiva and taking him down.
I don’t understand how wrestlers work for WWE. I like when they’re advertised as “local talent”, because it lets me believe WWE scouted the area for expendable guys to feed to Ryback as an exhibition, because they didn’t want their developmental guys getting hurt. But these guys have names and entrance spiels, and can make decisions like entering second and deliver promos on the way to the ring. How does this work? Why do Derrick Bateman, Titus O’Neil and Darren Young have to battle it out in an NXT triple threat for a match on Smackdown but f**king Rutherford Hayes gets a showcase match with mic time on Raw? When was the last time Derrick Bateman spoke on Raw? That guy is your developmental ace! Your NXT protagonist!
Anyway, I’d like these guys a lot more if they weren’t a direct ripoff of my two favorite e-fed characters, a tag team of Middle Eastern historical re-enactors I created called “President’s Day”. George Washington Qatar and Ibrahim Lincoln. Lincoln’s finisher is the John Wilkes Boot. Somebody put me in charge of the TV wrestling.
Best: FEED HIM MORE
Ryback’s response to these Chatties Cathy was to put them in the ground and demand THREE jobbers. I know “feed me more” is his catchphrase, but why does he want to only fight jobbers? Is this a Kimbo Slice angle where he can kill these pathetic little white guys, but as soon as he gets into a match with, I don’t know, Tyson Kidd he’ll get kicked in the head once and die? Are we Stuntman Mike-ing Ryback?
Whatever we’re doing, I’m not bored of the Ryback squashes like everyone else seems to be. I loved seeing him come around the corner and assassinate that President. I dig seeing him lift guys and march around with them, even if the “Goldberg” chants are asinine and from a crowd wherein a solid 60% weren’t alive to see Goldberg. That sh*t was 8 WrestlesMania ago. I like the chumps who won’t stop mouthing off, I like their wacky names, I like watching good men die. But maybe we should let Ryback murder Darren Young or something so the Internet doesn’t try to go all Lord Tensai on him.
Worst: Do Not Let Vince McMahon Have Segments With White People (Or Dwarves)
The only good part of this was the BE A STAR poster hanging in the background. The guy is palsied for Christ’s sake. I’m not above making fun of the less fortunate (neither is Cena, with his “cripple” remarks later on in the show, which were pretty hilarious coming from Mr. Make A Wish) but man, Gregory Iron better be happy he never got that Royal Rumble spot. We’d be in for six years of hilarious videos of Vince parking a short bus sideways across a bunch of handicapped spots and stumbling out with hook hands beating mindlessly against his chest.
Best: WOOP WOOP WILLIAM REGAL ALERT
I didn’t mention this earlier, but if the John Laurinaitis GM storyline ends with him getting fired, the only way it can be an improvement is the insertion of William Regal. Although after hearing the fifth episode of With Spandex maybe “the insertion of William Regal” is also a bad idea.