Best And Worst: So I Guess Kofi Kingston Is Dead
And the Slammy for Least Exciting Exciting Thing To Happen On Raw goes to The Big Show and Kofi Kingston in a steel cage match!
The video for the match could just be a still photo of Kofi Kingston lying on the ground while Big Show stands near the cage looking at the crowd and it would’ve been exactly the same. I turned that corner on Show and think he’s doing some of the best work he’s ever done, but cripes, nothing was achieved here that couldn’t have been better achieved by Show stepping into the cage, immediately blacking Kofi out with a right hand and leaving. It would’ve made Kofi look just as good, wouldn’t have wasted everybody’s time and Show could’ve added an actual dickhead gravity to his sassy cage leaving. As it is, it just felt … long. Really, really long.
It also sorta felt like Show was being a low rent Mark Henry, which I enjoy and also DO NOT ENJOY. If you’re gonna have a low rent Mark Henry, just pay Mark Henry a lower rent. He can make money charging for air on the side. All that being said, I DID enjoy watching Kofi get beaten to death for several minutes, so there’s that. A small best in a Tiresome Worst. Next week, feed Kofi to Ryback. He’ll be done in a minute and a half.
Worst: Mismatched Mood-lighting
I have a long-standing beef with El Generico, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever typed it here so if you’ve read it before, I apologize. Generico has different colored gear sets — he’s got black and red with black and red pants, he’s got black and white with black and white pants, and he’s got a goddamn dark blue mask with Tar Heel blue pants. It’s the most annoying thing in the world to me. It’s like in Empire Records when Liv Tyler takes off her clothes to seduce Rex Manning and she’s wearing a red bra with white panties.
Sin Cara is a sentimental favorite of mine, but he needs to f**k off quick with the red and white attire with blue and gold mood-lighting. He needs to f**k off with the mood-lighting period, but if he’s gonna keep it he needs to color-coordinate it. Maybe my theory about him not being able to control it (like Aksana and her porno sax lighting) is true and he just bought his original outfit to match the naturally-occuring lights, but come on, work with the guy, WWE Production team. Buy a red lightbulb. Make him look like he’s wrestling in Alvy Singer’s bedroom.
Worst: Why Does Curt Hawkins Keep Getting This Spot
I don’t imagine “is friends with Zack Ryder” holds a lot of weight these days, but I’ve seen Curt Hawkins lose to the Funkasaurus twice and now Sin Cara, and I’m wondering what the hell he did to be the entry-level guy on Raw. He was objectively the worst guy on NXT during these last few glory months (yes, Tyler Reks is better) (barely) and there is no discernible reason besides “future plans” that make me make Fantastic Mr. Fox gestures at my face to keep a guy like Johnny Curtis from getting that spot. Or Percy Watson. Or anybody.
And I don’t mean to condescend on Hawkins too hard … he’s Perfectly Acceptable Wrestler and all, but if you’ve only got x amount of roster spots to fill and even fewer y amount of TV speaking roles, don’t let the poor man’s Heath Slater use “I have a walking stick” to get on-screen parts as the guy who loses to Mistico or laughs at you when you get shoved down by Flo Rida.
Worst: Stop Trying To Cut Off Daniel Bryan’s Balls You Old Weirdo
I hate you, this segment.
Whew, this all got negatively quickly. It’s a fun sort of surreal to see Vince McMahon and American Dragon Bryan Danielson in a backstage Raw segment together, but it went down a lot like the Bryan/Punk interaction — Vince throws some shade at Bryan, Bryan rebuffs it logically and Vince responds by dropping LOL WRESTLEMANIA and turning it into a sex joke.
THIS. IS. WHAT. C. M. PUNK. WAS. YELLING. ABOUT. LAST. YEAR.
A guy with all the talent in the world getting publicly sh*t on by Vince McMahon, an out-of-touch, psychopathic pervert who doesn’t know what his audience wants and even if he did, wouldn’t know how to give it to them. Remember Vince yelling I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU WANT at an audience of wrestling fans? Punk was the catalyst for change. Now Daniel Bryan is paddling for his life in this dearth of heat, battling that same undercutting Punk was fighting to kill.
Quicker version: Why the hell did Vince spend 3 hours wandering around backstage trying to bury everyone he could find?
I want more like this!
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