Best: Black Ref Sticks Up For The Funkadactyls
As previously mentioned, Twin Magic should not work anymore. Two reasons:
1. When the Killer Bees pulled this off in the 80s, they were the good guys. They did it as a psychological trick to give them an advantage. Wrestling masks are totally legal pro graps attire, so even though they weren’t necessarily playing fairly, they were within the legal limits of the match. They also wrestled exclusively in tag matches, which made both guys being in the ring a thing that could happen. If they were singles wrestlers switching out entire bodies to steal pins, they would be not only cheating but committing fraud (when Brie Bella wins for Nikki, does Nikki still get the win bonus? OF COURSE SHE DOES).
2. One of the Bella Twins got big breast implants.
I’ve always thought refs were kinda stupid for not being able to call Twin Magic (the Bellas are not identical and have never been), but two ladies with long hair in identical clothing, sure, whatever. If the f**king Bashams could pull it off, the Bellas should be able to. But wrestling is a taped, televised thing now. They aren’t pulling off Twin Magic to get wins at non-televised house shows. These are reviewable, replayable incidents and I’m glad WWE’s finally cracking down on them. They “banned” them from the #1 Contender Battle Royal last week, and now Black Ref is smart enough and good enough at his job to hear Cameron say “hey, they did Twin Magic” and AT LEAST take a look at them to see if he f**ked up.
Let that be the end of Twin Magic. Just because you are twins doesn’t mean you have to pretend you’re identical. You’re Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, not Michelle Tanner. You aren’t Mecha Shiva. You are allowed to have your own thing. Have those things. Real life Brie and Nikki are way more compelling than TV Brie and Nikki anyway.
Worst: Total Divas, Now Justifying A 2-Minute Raw Match With 15 Episodes About Aksana Trying To Hook Up With Justin Gabriel Or Whatever
Worst: The Good Guys Save The Heels To Run Off The … Other Heels?
I hate to give a Worst to a segment involving The Shield, 3MB and Team Hell No, but here we are.
The Shield decided to do an in-ring promo for whatever reason to explain why they beat up The Undertaker. They should’ve just yelled “PRO WRESTLING” once and bailed, but whatever. They show a Smackdown highlight video (assumedly filmed on their “found” video camera and edited together by Rollins, who is clearly “the nerdy one”) and are interrupted by 3MB, who are (1) hilarious (2) delusional (3) loosely-justified in not wanting to be pushed around by these NEW NXT types.
So The Shield starts to easily beat up 3MB and here comes Team Hell No to … make the save? They run off The Shield, then attack the people they just saved (in the style of John Cena) to “send a message” to The Shield. To the group they just ran off, who had just gotten a message. I don’t know. It just didn’t make a lot of sense to me and seemed like a massive waste of talented wrestlers. The good news is that it set up a great match for LATER, so it’s bad as it could’ve been, even with all the alignment problems. The bad news is that Heath Slater was not involved.
Best: Dolph Ziggler Is Wrestling Kofi Kingston Again And I Feel Fine
Guess what? I liked this. Maybe those three months of Kofi hilariously failing and losing to people eased my hatred enough to accept him for what he is, and I’m better off for it.
There were some problems. Ziggler/Kingston has been done more than any wrestling match in the modern era (I refuse to believe otherwise) and I do not ever, ever need to see it again. They’ve done everything they can do. But they’re comfortable with each other and the crowds never seem to hate it as much as me, so maybe I’m just looking at it wrong. My other problem was that World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler needed not one but TWO people to help him beat a guy who two months ago was losing 15 seconds into his matches, but as I was typing that I remembered Ric Flair hanging onto the NWA title by Horseman-ference, his feet on the ropes and paying off referee Tommy Young for the majority of my childhood. So, again, maybe I’m just mad that the guy I like is losing to the guy I don’t. So I’m wrong, but also right? Wrestling is weird.
I liked a lot of it. Ziggler does two things better than any wrestler in the world right now: the O’Connor Roll and the stupid ass-fulcrum slingshot into the turnbuckles. He KILLS those moves. Kofi is still the King Of Jumping, and if we can buffer his “I JUMPED INTO YOU, YEAHHH” shit with stuff like Big E Langston trying to resuscitate Ziggler via Heimlich Maneuver, I’ll accept it.
Good match, guys. Now never do it again.
(See you next week, when they do it again.)
Worst: Jerry Lawler Goes FULL CREEP
The worst part of the match BY FAR was Jerry “The King” Lawler going off the deep end. Holy SHIT, you guys.
The first instance came when Michael Cole was shilling WWE Magazine’s list of the most ill-fated romances in wrestling history. Lawler mentions that he had one of those (with his ex-wife Stacy, if I’m getting my reference correctly, although f**k it, he could be talking about Su Yung) and that he’d written a song about it. The title: “You Broke My Heart, So I Broke Your Jaw.” YUUUUUUP. Maybe it’s from the woman’s point of view and the joke is that SHE broke HIS jaw, or maybe he is a terrible f**king person. At least he didn’t make any other jokes about abusing women!
Oh wait, he f**king DID.
Near the end of the match, the announcers bring up that thing they always bring up in the middle of their “AJ is a whore” circle-jerk about how Cole is the only person AJ’s ever rejected on WWE TV. Lawler’s comment, and I’m paraphrasing here, was that Michael asked AJ what he could give her to get a kiss, and her response was “chloroform.” So after Lawler makes a joke about punching a lady in the face, he goes straight for the rape goof.
Hey Jerry, the next time you aren’t busy at work or browsing the discount rack at Ross for discounted, off-brand Affliction shirts with “king” references on them, google “what decade is this” and realize that maybe you and your ignorant brand of bar-lowering misogynistic horseshit is not helping. I don’t care if it is wrestling.