Boobies. Breasts. Tits. Tittays. Jugs. Cans. Suppliers of life. Call them what you want, but in the first minute of this week’s episode of Total Divas on E!, mammary was the name of the game. Not only were we presented with Trinity’s most pressing issue – her top was loose and that could have caused one of her breasts to pop out during a match – but Nattie showed up out of nowhere to also basically flash her boob to the entire viewing audience of me, several of you and a lot of guys who show up to live WWE events and shout, “You’re so perfect!” at the Bella Twins.
But hey, this is a Sunday night show that we’re talking about, and where else is E!’s key demographic going to find women teasing nip slips at this time? Certainly not on The Walking Dead, you’re welcome very much. As for the rest of this week’s episode, Ariane is about to take me to a very bad place.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) JoJo – A shocking choice, but I feel like we haven’t seen her in a month, so she’s suddenly my favorite.
2) Trinity – Always the coolest customer on the show.
3) Brie Bella – The more down-to-Earth of the Bella Twins.
4) Nattie – POOR POOR NATTIE.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – I still love that she spent the entire last episode complaining about John Cena without even thinking to just talk to him.
6) Ariane – By opening up over the last two episodes, she became more likable, but she’s still with Vincent and he’s the worst.
7) Eva Marie – We should talk about the way she walks at some point. It drives me nuts.
Now on with this week’s episode…
Ariane is Trying to Become a Pop Star
The title of this week’s episode of Total Divas is “Get That Chingle Chingle,” and as soon as I read that on my DVR, I had the most dreaded thought imaginable: “This episode is going to mostly be about Ariane and she’s going to say a lot of her ridiculous made-up catch phrases.” Sure enough, we meet up with Ariane in the studio, as she’s recording her debut single, “Bye Bye.” Naturally, she referred to it as her “bomb dot com single” and she explained that it’s all part of the effort to “make that chingle chingle.”
Look, I know Ariane is young and ambitious. I actually admire her for that, despite the fact that I’m harder on her than even Eva Marie, who sometimes walks like she’s transporting a carton of eggs between her legs. But her neverending need to spew forth these ridiculous catchphrases, coupled with the squeaky-voiced girly girl routine, and then rolled up in the hellish fart cloud that is Vincent’s weekly presence is just way too much, and it works against her.
With her in the studio is Ariane’s manager, Terrell Maclin, and I don’t know if he’s good at what he does or if he’s just another Patrice Wilson, but he needs to be honest with his client and explain to her that being a cartoon character pop singer has been done to death and is not “outside the box” as she believes. “Bye Bye” will just end up being an afterthought in the nickel download MP3 bin on iTunes, because nobody is going to take Ariane seriously at this rate. Ariane needs to be less of the bomb dot com and more of the wiz of her own dot biz.
Vincent Also Has a Few Projects Under His Belt
Ariane is trying to expand her brand so she wants Vincent to do the same, which is odd because I wasn’t aware that he was capable of doing anything other than going full party mode. Even as he explains to her that he’s trying to get his hookah business off the ground – aren’t we all? – she thinks that he should give wrestling a shot.
This was apparently Corey Graves’ reaction to Vincent working out at the developmental facility in Orlando:
That Tweet doesn’t seem to exist anymore, but it’s probably his best of all-time, if Brandon’s assessments of him tell me anything.
To Vincent’s credit, since I’m being nicer to everyone today, he knows this is an awful idea and even tells Ariane that after Hugh Morris calls her to tell her he’ll let Vincent audition. Like, I’ve always thought it would be awesome to be the next Mouth of the South, but would I want to actually audition for that? Well, yes. But I’d at least recognize that I might not be as good at it in person as I think it would look in my head. So Vincent gets a little credit for having the foresight to know that big muscles do not equal automatic WWE talent.
Needless to say, Vincent’s audition didn’t go well, and it involved Hugh G. Rection yelling at him to the point that he cried in front of his woman. I honestly felt kind of bad for Vincent after I finished laughing for two minutes.