This heavyset gentleman who looks like he was filmed with a toaster is Andrew Cassidy, aka “Fat Guy Has Amazing Football Skills.” Think of him like Will Keith, the destroying food with ninja weapons guy, only instead of weapons he uses his feet, and instead of destroying food, he destroys minds. Or, uh, expectations. Or minds.
Here was his first appearance, in a Flip video shot with hilarious Attack The Block-style dialogue, wherein local street youths can’t believe what they’re seeing. EW DA FOCK IS E??
I guess at some point they turned down the Rihanna and actually approached him, because in part two we find out that his name is Andrew Cassidy, and that his magical soccer skills are no fluke. Here he is kicking the ball around with someone else, proving that he is indeed the master of the “aw crap I forgot to kick” last-second kick that would result in ME missing the ball by a foot, but lets him control it almost telekinetically.
Part three ups the ante by …
Well, okay, part three is basically more of the same, but he is GREAT at this, so watch it:
My first thought was, “imagine how great this guy would be if he could get into shape?” After thinking about it for a minute … no, I don’t want that to happen. I want a soccer club to sign him as is, because he’s clearly already spectacular, and he could just stand in place kicking a ball backwards over his head until everyone else got into position, then boom, overweight soccer ace their asses.
I don’t really know how soccer conditioning works, but if he can add some clubbering forearms to his keepy-uppy regiment, I think he’d be set.