Ever since she realized that George Clooney wasn’t serious about that whole never getting married so he can date young models until immortality is achieved thing, Stacy Keibler has been rebounding with a tech entrepreneur named Jared Pobre, or as basically everyone on this planet calls him, that guy who isn’t George Clooney. Well, the rebound became the real thing over the weekend, as the former WWE Diva married Pobre on the beach in Mexico. Somewhere, Andrew Martin dried his tears with his mesh tank top (RIP).
Like most people who are inexplicably famous beyond dating Clooney, Keibler issued a statement to People, and some people think that it’s a thinly-veiled “F*ck you” to her actor ex. See if you can pick out the part(s) that might be dedicated to Clooney.
“My happiness is indescribable!” Keibler, 34, tells PEOPLE. “Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be. Jared is all of this for me.”
That’s actually the final draft that Keibler’s PR rep submitted to People on her behalf. My crack team of researchers actually got a hold of the original statement, and it’s a lot more revealing and far less surprising.
“My happiness is indescribable, George! Marriage is the ultimate bond of love and friendship, GEORGE. It means putting all your faith and trust into a person that you can’t help but believe is your soul mate, GEORGE CLOONEY. Someone who has all of your best interests at heart; someone handpicked for you, to help you grow and be the best person that you can be, GEORGE TAKE ME BACK I STILL LOVE YOU AND I’LL CALL TORRIE WILSON THIS TIME, I PROMISE, GEORGE. Jared is all of this for me, UNLESS GEORGE WILL TAKE ME BACK AND I SWEAR THAT THIS TIME I’LL LET HIM WATCH HIS SATELLITE FOOTAGE WHILE I’M ON TOP.”
Also, I’m not positive, but I think this is the exclusive footage of Keibler’s wedding ceremony.