Every time I wash my hands (approximately once a week), I have to cup them, let them fill up with water, and then pour the water over the faucet. I’m not sure why I do it or where it comes from (repressed childhood memories of not being a stock photo model), but without fail, I MUST DO IT. I think that’s a strange addiction, if not OCD’y – so what does that say about the girl who’s obsessed with eating rocks?
“My Strange Addiction,” which airs on the twenty-first century’s answer to the carnival freak show, TLC, is fascinating, in a really perverse way – not unlike every reality show ever. But what separates it from other fine TLC programming, such as “Hoarding: Buried Alive” and “Extreme Couponing,” is that, for the most part, the series doesn’t force you to FEEL PITY FOR THESE MISUNDERSTOOD MONSTERS. It does a good job of acting like a documentary – here’s the messed up sh*t that they do, and here’s why they do it.
Also: it’s fun for us to go, “HAHAHAHA, look at that there guy eating glass. What a cut up.” This is a list of the show’s 10 strangest strange addicts, with an out-of-context quote from each that makes them sound like they’re discussing something much more sexual than sniffing bleach.
Addiction: His “real doll”
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “The sex has gotta be fantastic!”
Addiction: Pulling hair out of shower drains
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “It has to be slimy, it has to be wet…Like if I pulled out a bunch of dry hair, I don’t know — actually, I’ve never done that, so I don’t know.”
Addiction: Eating cheesy potatoes (she appeared on “Freaky Eaters,” but same difference)
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “It’s ooey and gooey and just yum-yum-yum.”
(For more on Kelly, check out the FilmDrunk Frotcast, with special guest Matt Ufford!)
Addiction: Her freakishly large boobs (38KKK — KKK?! That’s not good…)
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “That’s not big enough. I need bigger.”
Name: Josh (not me)
Addiction: Eating glass
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “When I bite into the glass, I just get a warm feeling. Kind of get a little bit tingly.”
Addiction: Bathing in bleach
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “I just like the feel of bleach.”
Addiction: Eating pottery and cigarette ashes
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “It’s kind of salty, kind of gritty, and I like the way it dissolves on my tongue.”
Addiction: Eating rocks
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: Just replace “co*ks” for “rocks” every time. INSTANT HILARITY.
Addiction: Eating toilet paper
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “A good place where people really don’t pay attention to you eating toilet paper is the movie theater. It’s dark in there, so you can sneak a couple of sheets in without anyone noticing.” (Replace “toilet paper” with “masturbation.”)
Addiction: In a romantic and sexual relationship with his car
Best Sexually Explicit Quote: “How does that work? How can you have sex with your car?” “Mainly, it’s just a lot of rubbing up against him.”
(It’s important to realize he’s basically doing It with his car, while talking to his dad.)