With the release of Neighbors, (review here) which tells the story of the friction between a married couple with a baby and a fraternity that moves in next door, I thought it would be an appropriate time to reflect back upon some of television’s worst neighbors. Because let’s face it, while film has had more than its share of crappy and obnoxious neighbors — television has always been an excellent medium to capture the long, drawn out torment that comes with the misfortune of living next door to someone downright terrible.
So with that, I bring you a sampling of the worst neighbors of television history:
Seinfeld — Jerry Seinfeld
Offenses: Being super uptight about everything all of the time. Not having better snacks in his cupboard. Honorable mention: Having stupid hair.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 1.4
King of the Hill — The Hill Family
Offenses: Being ignorant hillbillies. Letting their stupid redneck son come near your innocent genius daughter.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 2.8
Home Improvement — Tim Taylor
Offenses: Constantly asking for the dumbest advice ever to the most easily solvable problems, when you’re just trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon out in your backyard. I mean seriously it’s amazing this guy hasn’t forgotten how to breathe on his own by now.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 3.4
Small Wonder — The Lawson Family
Offenses: Withholding secrets. You just KNOW THEY’RE HIDING SOMETHING SUPER F*CKED UP, and you’re going to get down to the bottom of whatever that is.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 5.7
Alf — Alf
Offenses: Being a freaking alien from another planet. Penchant for eating cats and lurking around in neighbors’ homes. I’d be more than happy to report his fuzzy ass to the Alien Task Force, too.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 6.3
Married With Children — The Bundy Family
Offenses: Constant, mean insults to your appearance and anatomy. Encouraging your first husband to pursue his dream of becoming a forest ranger. No-good hooligan children. Lowering property value.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 8.7
Arrested Development — The Bluth Family
Offenses: Being horrible, unscrupulous people. Trying to connive you into selling company shares. Whoring adult sons out for personal/financial gain. Letting an ostrich loose in your apartment. Possibly murdering you.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 9.6
The Simpsons — Homer Simpson
Offenses: Uh, let’s see. Being indirectly responsibly for the death or your first wife. Getting you married to a Las Vegas hooker. Not returning borrowed household items. To list them all would require more time than this writer has.
Bad Neighbor Rating: 10.0