A couple preliminary notes:
- There were many, many deaths on this season of Game of Thrones, so narrowing this list down to five was very difficult. For example, I imagine having a teenager slide her sword through your throat is not particularly fun. But cuts needed to be made, and this is what we ended up with. Your counterpoints in the comments.
- There are no dragon-related deaths on this list. I only put the dragon at the top of the page because using a picture of a character would get me yelled at for spoiler-y reasons. And I imagine dying via dragon is actually kind of cool. I mean, if you have to die. Better than choking on a chicken bone, at least.
And away we go.
5. Falling to Your Death From a Moon Door
It’s the falling, really. Most of the other deaths on Game of Thrones are quick and violent: your decapitations, your swords through the skull, your wildfire explosions, etc. But getting a surprise shove out of a moon door means you have time to, like, think about it before you go splat. Especially if it’s your own moon door and you’re falling back-first, staring up at the smug, mustachioed face of the houseguest who just heaved you out of it.
4. Getting Slashed Immediately After Falling Off of a Horse That a Cocky Warrior Has Just Killed Via Dagger to the Face
This guy’s last thoughts:
“Ha, look at this idiot. He doesn’t even have real armor. Or a sword!”
“And he’s just STANDING THERE.”
“What, is he gonna handsome me to death?”
“Wait, what’s he…”
“NOOOOOOO GENERAL SALTLICK!”
No thank you.
3. Getting Poisoned at Your Own Wedding
No one felt bad for Joffrey when he died because he was an awful little monster who deserved everything he got and more, but in the grand scheme of things, stripped of context, dying in the middle of your own wedding is not ideal. Granted, sometimes going out this way will inspire your slacker son to go on a hijinks-laden cross-country sales trip to save the family auto parts business, learning important life lessons and taking down Rob Lowe in the process, but Joffrey didn’t have a slacker son OR an auto parts business, so he can’t even find solace there. He just fell to the ground and turned purple and died, and none of the guests got to finish their cake. If this was anyone else but Joffrey, it would have been heartbreaking.
2. Getting Your Head Squished Like a Tomato by Someone’s Bare Hands
Oh God. Please do not squish my head like a tomato with your bare hands. Please don’t even just put your thumbs in my eyes. I don’t care what anybody else told you, I do not want that to happen.
1. Getting Shot by Your Crossbow-Wielding Son While You’re Sitting on One of the Many Toilets Inside Your Castle
See, the thing about this one isn’t so much that it’s the most painful. I imagine that would be #2. But at least Oberlyn Martell died during a trial by combat, championing an innocent man by taking on someone of superior size and strength, you know? He went out with about as much honor as one can go out with when one’s brain ends up splattered all over the fingers of one’s opponent. Tywin Lannister, on the other hand, died with his pants around his ankles and half a dooty falling out of him. That is and always will be the worst way to die.