One of the greatest running gags in Seinfeld was the inclusion of fake movies the four characters would either talk about or go see. In some cases they were epic like Firestorm, and in other cases, promising but a huge letdown like Prognosis Negative. Even though none of us have ever seen any of them, I’m ranking all of the fictional films of Seinfeld based on what we learned of the plot, and cast from each episode. Do yourself a favor and check out Next Movie’s most excellent fake posters once you’re done complaining about Chunnel’s ranking.
22. The Pain and the Yearning — Episode “The Comeback”
A 192-minute fictitious film, whose plot is simply “An old woman experiences pain and yearning.”
Too much pain. Too much yearning.
21. The Muted Heart — Episode “The Engagement”
I just feel bad for George when Susan made him go to this instead of Firestorm.
20. Cold Fusion — Episode “The Bizarro Jerry”
Jerry mentions plans to see this film with Kramer, who is unable to go because of a long day “working” at Brandt and Leland.
We don’t really get any sort of description for this movie, but I’m thinking it’s about a reclusive scientist braving the Alaskan frontier on a murderous ground-breaking science experiment. Your guess is as good as mine.
19. Blame It on the Rain — Episode “The Calzone”
Elaine and her date Todd Gack are forced to see this movie when Means to an End (see below) is sold out.
The title is probably a reference to what happens when you want to buy tickets to another movie, and wind up having to see this one instead. Which was the case for everyone in this episode.
18. Cry, Cry Again — Episode “The Little Kicks”
I would only see this movie if it was the Bootleg director’s cut, and showed the Elaine dancing scene.
17. The Other Side of Darkness — Episode “The Comeback”
It’s a straight to video release where a woman slips into a coma and eventually wakes up. That’s it. Oh! And did I mention it’s over two hours long?
16. Brown Eyed Girl — Episode “The Pool Guy”
This could work as a decent romantic comedy, or a Van Morrison documentary. I’d be okay with either, or.
15. Chow Fun — Episode “The Pool Guy”
As viewers we don’t get much of a description for this movie, other than Elaine calling Kramer’s movie phone line for show times, and asking about it. But at least the title implies there’s fun to be had!
14. Cupid’s Rifle — Episode “The Pool Guy”
Yes, people have debated whether Kramer actually says Cupid’s Rifle or Cupids Rival on his movie phone line, and while both titles could work as films, there’s just one thing that intrigues me: I have to know where Cupid keeps his rifle.
13. Mountain High — Episode “The Engagement”
An R-rated film starring Kevin Bacon and Susan Sarandon. Kramer reads its tagline from the newspaper (“There’s no higher place than… Mountain High!”), and also recites some (possibly fake) dialogue from the film: “You’ve gotta get me over that mountain!” This was followed by a fake explosion and exaggerated scream.
We don’t learn too much about Mountain High, other than it having an all star cast with Susan Sarandon and Kevin Bacon, which earns it some extra points. And a bit of dialogue Kramer reads aloud gives us some clues, and implies that the people want to get over the mountain, not be on it, possibly because of explosions happening. So what’s on the other side of the mountain that the people want to get to?
12. Agent Zero — Episode “The Pool Guy”
Seinfeld-esque secret agents could be a good thing. I think.