In the grand history of Justified, over four and a half seasons of snappy one-liners and shoot-em-ups and plots involving everything from slick Detroit mobsters to backwoods criminal matriarchs, I don’t think anything has ever made me as happy as Raylan Givens, Internet Commenter. Admittedly, part of that is due to my own personal biases as someone who spends a lot of time online and writes a weekly post about the show that openly seeks to start a discussion amongst the commenters on this site. (Another part of it is due to the fact that the episode in question was written by our — recently promoted! — buddy VJ Boyd, who occasionally joins said discussion himself to answer questions about the show.) But when I saw Raylan sitting at his work computer and tapping out the message “You keep on blogging, TC. I’ll get you, tomorrow. Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens,” I was filled with joy. It’s perfect. I mean, HE SIGNED HIS COMMENT. FORMALLY. WITH HIS TITLE AND EVERYTHING.
You know what? I hope he gets really into the Internet now. Twitter, Reddit, the whole shebang. Maybe he can start an anonymous Tumblr called F*ck Yeah Marshal Stories under the pseudonym TheManInTheHat and pass along humorous anecdotes from the office. Who knows, he might even score a book deal out of it. Season 6 can be about his book tour. It’ll ruin the show for everyone but me.
And now, the highlights:
- Did anyone else pick up on a power shift in the office? Yes, Raylan’s in the doghouse now and coming in at 7 a.m. to handle walk-ins, so he’s been knocked down a peg or five, but even beyond that. Rachel seems to be the new top dog. I kinda like it.
- I kinda want one of the Marshal’s office breakfast sandwiches.
- Our antagonist this week: A misogynist hacker/gamer who got caught stealing money from a backgammon website because he misspelled “marshal,” wears sweatpants, has a horrible mustache, and retreats to his grandmother’s basement at the first sign of trouble. Justified sees you, Internet.
- Three great lines from Raylan this week: The “filafel is a cut-rate hush puppy” thing, “I think I comported myself admirably,” and, in what may be the leader in the clubhouse for Line of the Year, Non-Boyd Division, “The guy threw his leg out the window, jumped out and slid down a light pole, and then gave me the bird. C’mon, I love this guy. Lemme catch him.”
- I think it would be helpful if we quickly recapped what’s going on with Ava this season: She’s awaiting trial on a murder charge; she almost got sexually assaulted by a diminutive prison guard; she got transferred from a smaller prison where Boyd had arranged protection for her to the larger, more dangerous state prison because said diminutive prison guard framed her for stabbing him; she got attacked and beaten by a gang of female Nazis within days of showing up at the new prison; and now she’s got herself in a bind where she has to find a way to sneak large quantities of heroin into the facility or else she’ll face the wrath of a religious prison gang, because she blew up their original narcotics smuggling operation so she wouldn’t have to repeatedly have sex with a crooked, well-hung prison guard. Short version: Ava has problems.
- Speaking of ladies who have slept with Raylan at one time or another and are currently having problems, Allison’s life is getting complicated as hell, thanks almost entirely to Wendy Crowe and her whole sweet-talking, boss-tattle-tailing, attempted-man-stealing, tramp-stamp-and-leather-skirt-sporting thing. I like to thing she stuck around that bar after Raylan left and performed a haunting rendition of “Jolene.”
- You get me, Hacker Lady. Let’s go on a landlocked vacation together.
- The other big non-Internet, non-lady-trouble part of last night’s episode was, obviously, Boyd’s Mexican adventure. Turns out Raylan was right way back when. Boyd did not like Mexico, although he was wrong about the reason. It wasn’t the Mexicans that caused him trouble. It was Floridians.
- But seriously, Boyd cannot catch a break this season. Even when he orchestrates a brilliant South of the Border double-cross (Movie Pitch: South of the Border Double-Cross), Danny Crowe and his itchy-trigger finger go and futz it all up.
- Or was it deliberate? Note the look between Danny and Darryl just before the former sprayed bullets into everyone not named Crowder. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, CROWES?
- RIP Johnny Crowder. You were kind of a jealous sh*thead and your failed maneuvering got you blown away in a Mexican desert by the same cousin who stole a girl from you in high school because you took longer than two weeks to seal the deal. You will be missed. Kind of.
- Things between Raylan and Art are really ugly now. I recapped the whys and hows of the situation last week, and how it all goes back to the shootout on the tarmac from last season, but the endgame is that Raylan is demanding a transfer and using his fraudulently acquired radio call-in prize to go on an immediate vacation to Florida to see his kid. This would be a perfect opportunity to do that thing I mentioned about getting way into the Internet. Just saying.
Okay, that about wraps it up. Feel free to chime in below. Thanks as always to Chet Manley for the GIFs. Please do not phone-freak me and drain my bank account.