The thing about Westworld is that it’s probably more fun to think about than it is to watch. It’s fine to watch, sure. There’s a lot of action, and Anthony Hopkins and Ed Harris are having a blast being mysterious and evil, and Sidse Babett Knudsen smoking cigarettes might be the best thing on television right now. But the real fun is wrapping your brain around the whole thing. I mean, there’s a hyper realistic Wild West theme park that charges $40,000 a day to let you murder and/or sleep with incredibly lifelike robots that may or may not be evolving and preparing to rise up against their millionaire human guests. That’s kind of a lot.
And so, with that in mind, here’s something I’ve been thinking about lately. Presented below, please find an incomplete list of celebrities that I think would probably go to Westworld if it were a real place. Feel free to add your own in the comments. It’s really quite fun.
Oh God, how much would Quentin Tarantino love Westworld? Oh my God. They’d have to program all the hosts to be able to have in-depth conversations about obscure kung fu movies despite the fact that film had yet to be invented in the Wild West. He’d make Christoph Waltz come with him and Christoph Waltz would be exceedingly polite about it all even as Quentin did a number of things that the human brain cannot unknow. He would go there so much it would put him on the verge of bankruptcy. There would be all these stories in the tabloids with quotes from anonymous concerned friends about it. The people in charge of the park would have to let him buy a condo there or something, just to save him from himself.
The cast of The Bachelor
The Bachelor would do an episode at Westworld, 100 percent, like how the show does Vegas episodes now. They’d dress the contestants up in cute cowgirl outfits and send them on team bounty hunts. One of them would get very drunk and go on a disquieting black-eyed murder spree through town, and then whichever mayo-on-Wonderbread-sandwich is serving as the Bachelor will keep her around for another four to seven episodes.
Scoff if you like, but Martha Stewart has a wild streak and a billion dollars and has been to prison. Find me a more likely Westworld visitor than that.