The Sound of Music Live! (NBC, 8 p.m.) — This garbage cost A LOT. Almost ten million dollars, actually, which is why NBC is expecting to lose money. That’s about as much as it cost to film “Blackwater,” the closest TV has come to replicating the experience of watching a movie. Dem Nazis don’t come cheap.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Please do not Bing The Big Bang Theory. Thank you.
Thursday Night Football (NFLN, 8:25 p.m.) — Houston Texans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars, or why flex scheduling for weekend games is mankind’s greatest invention.
The Returned (Sundance, 9 p.m.) — A reminder that this show is EXCELLENT. A creepy must-watch.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.) — “Sherlock must take the stand and defend his career after an investigation goes horribly awry.” If only things had gone “slightly awry.” The NYPD can live with that.
Scandal (ABC, 10 p.m.) — Scandal says goodbye until February 2014 with “YOLO.” Hopefully that word is illegal by the time it returns.
Eagleheart (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.) — There are no singing Nazis in tonight’s Eagleheart. Probably.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jason Schwartzman and Guillermo Diaz on Kimmel; Anjelica Huston on Ferguson; Jim Parsons and Steve Coogan on Conan; Jorge Ramos on Stewart; and Alan Mulally on Colbert.