Everyone wants to have good sex. That’s why sex therapists have waiting lists, why self-help books that teach you the art of pleasing your partner (and yourself) are national bestsellers, and why every glossy magazine promises that it holds the once secret that will blow your mind, change your life, and transform your relationship .
But one size doesn’t fit all, and while experts are great — we’ve talked to a sex therapist, a dating coach, and an intimacy instructor right here on this site — they offer a perspective that’s helpful (and possibly life-altering) but sometimes not personal enough. “Communication is always key” is a piece of advice that often comes up, but how do you communicate? What do you say to get what you need? That answer’s often not so clear, and can lead to frustration and the inevitable feeling that you’re doing something wrong, even though we’re so often assured that there’s no “right and wrong” when it comes to sex.
So we asked real people about their sex lives. Real people who aren’t professional sex havers or educators but report that their sex lives are “awesome” and “amazing” and every other superlative that you could possibly think of. We asked them why their sex lives are great, how they keep it that way, and any other advice that they have for other people trying to get on their level (although you’ll see that “on their level” means many different things). From people who have sex with one partner, to those who have sex with multiple, to those that (often) have sex with only themselves, we’ve put together a comprehensive list of people who have great sex lives and don’t mind telling you about them — in the hopes that they might inspire you when it comes to, well…coming.
Dennis:
Unselfishness and self-control are key. Also, masturbate: it’s healthy and you learn more about your likes and dislikes. Work out, if you have the time and money. Don’t put a TV in the bedroom. Don’t ever take your special someone for granted. Do some role playing. Get some sex toys if that’s your thing.
I’d compare the timing of orgasms to riding a wave. When you’re riding a wave, you don’t want to fall over the crest, or submerge beneath it. You must be acutely aware of where in the orgasm process your partner is and where you are. It’s a balancing act that you can only get comfortable with after a lot of self-pleasuring and a heavy interest in getting laid when you’re younger.
But one of the biggest things about having great sex is, don’t compare yourself to other people or couples.
Krista:
If you want to have a good sex life, you need to walk around naked a lot. I know that sounds funny, but it’s a great way to learn to love your body, which is essential if you’re going to let someone else love your body.
Ask for what you want! And ask your partner what they want! and try new shit!
Luke:
One reason my partner and I have good sex is because we talk about it the next day. Not like sweet, delicate conversations about how open we felt — though those probably have merit — but more like “that thing you did with the hip roll, when I was about to… and then with the biting…” Communicating with someone you’ve been with for awhile about your own wild sex life just amps everything up.
On a personal level, I like to focus on gratitude. Like, mid-sex, I take the time to think “This is awesome, I can’t believe this is happening, this is better than I fantasized when I was a teenager” and that intensifies all my sensations.
My advice for people is to take sex as seriously as they take any other recreation. When we play basketball or surf, we think: “Oh, that was fun. Here’s what was most awesome. Here’s what I want to do more of next time. This didn’t work.” Of course, we don’t do that while we’re playing. During the game you have to be in the moment. You have to operate in the present. But *afterward* it’s perfectly fine to say: “Let’s break that down, how do I get even more from that experience?” Often the answer will be: “by giving more” — which is a pretty solid life lesson.
There is no recreation on earth that individuals and teams can’t improve at with practice. But it has to be smart practice, with a little thought. It can’t be all half-court shots.
W (female):
No one ever talks about what makes sex “good”. So I learned from how lots of young people learn — porn. It’s so easy and accessible. And I learned to try all kinds of different positions and “perform” sexuality as an expressive act, but most of the porn I had access to, in fact most of the porn that exists, isn’t meant to be instructional. I would have porn star kind of sex and wonder what I was missing. I would sometimes have orgasmic-like feelings, but certainly not an orgasm. I also didn’t really enjoy sex itself very much. I enjoyed the foreplay, the flirting, but then sex itself was never very much fun.
After college, I moved back home and started hanging out and building meaningful relationships with more women, my age and older. I started hearing from them about things they’ve done or tried and started getting recommendations on some great authors who pulled no punches when it came to female sexuality. At that point it was clear that I was missing something. I bought a couple toys, without really knowing what I wanted, which was expensive, but worth it to find the toys that I liked. Once I learned, just by playing around by myself, to consistently make myself orgasm, I started trying to take that understanding into experiences with partners. Some more successfully than others. I didn’t feel comfortable straight up asking for what I wanted, I’d just try new things or pick certain positions that seemed more successful.
It’s really helped to have a consistent partner. My last relationship was six years, plenty of time to grow accustomed to someone’s preferences and body, and plenty of opportunities to learn from myself. I basically shed any lingering self-consciousness about my body or sexuality. There’s really nothing to hide after that amount of time. I don’t think we were sexually compatible in the long run, but I think we created a space where we could talk about what we wanted, even if the other wasn’t interested. Maybe it was being in a situation where sex wasn’t scarce (like when you’re single), that almost took away the need for an orgasm. I wasn’t chasing it, because I knew it was always there if I wanted it. I could go back to doing porn star positions to spice things up or get an angle that felt awesome for him, even if it did nothing for me. Because if he came and I didn’t, there was always the next morning to give it another go. And I know he did that for me sometimes too. We pushed some boundaries together and that was really fun.
Figure out what you like first. Play with your junk, buy toys, watch some ethically produced porn. I think it’s easier to have conversations and try things with a partner if you’re coming from a foundational place of confidence in your own abilities and preferences. Also, if anyone ever makes (or tries to make) you feel bad about something you like or something you don’t like, tell them to kick rocks. There are too many people with too many awesome kinks.
Marlene:
I’m married and currently have a newborn, but we’ve always had a very healthy sex life and, to be honest, without it we always suffer difficulties. Even just these last three weeks without sex (because I just gave birth) has been hard to get through. We can’t wait for the go ahead, so I’d say we’re still very healthy in the sex department.
I’d say our biggest thing is knowing we need it often. When we skip it for any reason it’s hard on us. We decided a long time ago that three times a week is needed. Our libidos have always matched up well despite having very different experiences leading up to our relationship.
Communication about what you want and how often is the biggest thing. I see nothing wrong with scheduling sex time together. It’s a commitment to each other and that’s hot. I think saying ‘OK we need to have sex every two days to be happy’ and then committing to that makes for a happier relationship.
Raul:
I’ve been married almost two years, so I’m a newbie. My wife and I still like each other, but we’ve been together for eight years. Women are turned on by different things then men. Men want bouncy tits and a chick that can put her foot on her head upside down. My woman gets turned on that I am turned on by her.
The fact that I want to play and experiment and try things (that we both may or may not be into) allows her to be open to it. She loves that fact that I want to do those things with her. Whether or not it’s “dirty” doesn’t really matter — she’s turned on that we are doing it together.
Once you’re married and have kids, there’s little time to get shit done, romance is out the door. We’ve got shit to handle and 10 mins to do anything, so start stretching!
Romance is good — flowers, songs, holding hands — but that’s now considered foreplay. We ain’t got time for them oils and massages and finger licking. I know your spots, you know mine, let’s roll. Communication is key. Foreplay may be a text message like “I can’t wait to get home for some mommy\daddy time.”
Lena:
I spent a lot of years feeling broken, and it was really just that I had incompatible partners. Due to date rape in the past, I’ve generally had complicated feelings about intercourse. When I was married, if I didn’t want to have intercourse, we did other things, but I always had the feeling that he was “settling ” for that, but that it wasn’t what he actually wanted.
Now, I’m with someone who actually prefers manual or oral stimulation, so I don’t feel like I’m creating disappointment during times when I really intend to build connection. We both felt very pressured about intercourse with previous partners, so the fact that there isn’t pressure now makes us both more interested in doing it. We have variety in what we do, and we make it a priority to at least have time for cuddling together daily.
My advice is to have faith that there’s someone out there who likes what you like, and that communication is important.
I think good long-term partnerships really depend on integrity and kindness. In my opinion, contempt is the number one libido killer. If you make plans to do something at 8 o’clock, be there. Say please and thank you. Look for ways to help them and show you care. The sum of the little things is really quite large in terms of building trust and intimacy.
Melissa:
My sex life is awesome because I’ve learned that communicating what I want is empowering for me, helpful for my partner, and a turn-on for both of us. Also, I think I’m hot as hell. I’m fat, so it’s taken a lot of work for me to get to that point. But knowing that I’m hot shit helps me have better sex.
I’m selfish in bed. I’m not as asshole about it, but I definitely don’t prioritize someone else’s ideas of good sex over my own (Obviously with consent and good communication). I listen — either to what my partner is saying or how they physically react to what I’m doing — verbally communicate what I want either with slight direction (up a little bit, to the left, keep doing that, etc), or directly, like “Slap your dick on my clit”
I also like giving feedback when my partner’s doing something I like. And if they’re doing something I’m not really into, I’ll suggest something else. I think women, especially, are trained to not speak up and not say what we want. That does us a disservice in bed. I was nervous to try it, because I thought maybe a dude wouldn’t want that kind of direction. Like, maybe I would be threatening their masculinity if I told them what to do. But, I have yet to find a dude that doesn’t appreciate that level of direction. And, uh, I have a large sample size to pull data from.
Andi:
When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I was either in a relationship, not getting enough sex, or single, getting laid all the time and always looking outward, wishing it were different. Neither of those things were happy for me, so I didn’t have a good sex life. From the outside, I’m sure it seemed terrific. It wasn’t, but it was, at least, not dull.
Ten years later, I’ve been single for going on three years, and I really don’t have intentions otherwise. I’m into passion and romance, and that stuff tends to fizzle. I hear people say, “Well, you stick it out and work through it. Relationships take work.” This whole idea of “partnership” isn’t appealing to me because it connotes an arrangement. Commitments, arrangements, partnership, “work” – even the dating process. I’ve tried online dating and it’s like going on interviews. When you’re a match, you get the job, so to speak. Then it takes work. It’s not very sexy at all.
My sex life is great because I know what I want. I like having passionate, fiery romances (primarily with women, although I do make exceptions) however short or long lived. I don’t pretend these things will last forever. Cutting out that expectation takes off the pressure, which would otherwise destroy a great thing. There’s always a risk of hurt feelings, but with transparency it can be minimized. It’s important for me to be as mindful as possible, and treat lovers with kindness and respect. Anything less isn’t sexy at all.
I find that at 39, I’m much more discerning too. I’m actually not attracted to many people. When I am — because I’m somewhat delusional — I always imagine that I have a shot. When all else fails, which it often does, I’m totally cool with DIY and I don’t feel any need to be sexually active just for the sake of it. Even though it’s not very exciting, neither is sleeping in a bed with someone who doesn’t put out for years. I’d rather be single and delude myself into thinking I can sleep with whomever I please, even if it isn’t true.
My sex life is good because when it’s on, it’s hot. And when it’s not on, I’m cool w/being me & doing me until I’m into something hot with someone else.
Vanessa:
My sex with my husband tends to be based on whether we both have the energy to have sex, because we have two kids and no one we trust to watch them for us. And by the time we get them to bed and get ready for the next day, it’s very late and we like to sleep.
We have sex about once every other week. It’s not frequent, but it’s always good. We’ve been married for almost ten years now, so, it’s like, we love each other more than we did before and I think that matters the most to us.
When we first started dating we had sex like several times a day all over the place. It was kind of ridiculous, but since we got married and had children it’s definitely toned down
It sounds silly, but sometimes you do have to plan for it to happen, so you can mentally prepare to focus on the other person and give them your full attention; so you have that moment to feel the attraction and love for each other that is so easy to shove aside when you are trying to get all of your tasks done everyday.
Rob:
I have, in general, pretty lousy self esteem, but still frequently sleep with guys who I view as “out of my league.” My advice is to project confidence even if you have none. You do it by not putting strict limitations on who you approach and how you approach them.
I know it sounds trite but communication is really the key. If you’re clear about what you want and what you enjoy/are enjoying, there’s a good chance that you’ll have a good time regardless of their technique. There’s also just the “vibe” in general, which sounds made up but I’ve had what I would consider great sexual encounters with people who weren’t particularly good at what they were doing, but we were both really into it so it didn’t really matter.
I’ve also had lots of bad sex where people were so eager to show off their skills or do a bunch of crazy stuff that it just left me feeling like I’d been through a mangler.
Amara:
I’ve been married for over a decade. I think the key is giving a shit if your partner is having a good time. The smarmy side of me wants to be like “Marry your best friend and make sure to communicate always” which is true. But the brutal honesty part wants to be like “Stay physically attractive and do the fetish stuff your partner likes.” Complacency leads to shitty sex. I think “doing it the same way all the time” eventually leads to just not doing it
Of course, everyone’s different. But we have AT LEAST two drawers of stuff that would send our kids to therapy for years if they opened them. That’s not to say we don’t have sweet, vanilla sex too but the menu is…diverse.
To quote my husband when I brought up the fear that toys were emasculating to him “Fuck that, I want you to have fun.” Admitting that girl fun time organs are placed poorly for orgasm-via-pounding is half the battle. You also need to be with someone who won’t disown you for liking something weird because EVERYONE likes something weird. Find the lid to your pot
I’d also say a sense of humor is key. Sometimes sex is hilarious. You slip off or the handcuffs break or the lube explodes all over the bathroom floor. Laughter is always better than mortification. We’ve tried so much stuff over the years, we made a word for it: Sex-ence. Sex Science. “Will we like this? Let’s find out!” The worst that can happen is you’re both like “Nawww.”
Or one of you really likes something and the other is lukewarm and then you talk about boundaries. Your partner is not a mind reader. They can’t do the thing you like if you don’t tell them what it is. If you’re embarrassed to tell them, that’s a whole other can of worms but you have to work it out.
Travis:
There are a few things that make my sex life exceptional. The first is the most practical, and it’s that I have a nice, large bed. I spent a lot of time in my early 20s attempting to seduce sexual partners on a futon, or a couch, or — at my worst — a bare mattress. Now that my bed is large and comfortable it is much easier to find sexual gratification, if not but for the fact that I no longer look like a straight up murderer.
After that, with my partner, sex has become a playful game of mutual trust and respect. We both know each other’s bodies, we both are aware of the flaws, but we also accept each other fully. Sex, for us, is fun. There is no stress to it, no fear. Beyond that, there’s also no expectation. We have sex when we want to, never out of obligation or responsibility. I don’t expect my partner to give me that sweet, sweet action, but when they do I enjoy it fully.
Hope:
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a decade. There is nothing mediocre about our relationship besides our sex lives. We both want to live really bold and exciting lives, to feel like even if we crash and burn that we are willing to try to go full speed ahead in life. But when it came to sex we were both shy. We both felt like “fine” or “good enough” was okay.
The narrative out there Is that “long term couples don’t really have sex.” And so many women in long term relationships say things like, ‘if it was up to me, we’d have sex every six months!’ I felt like I was destined for mediocrity at best. I felt like I was going down that road of the women who felt like sex was too much effort.
Then I met Z, a sexual empowerment coach based in the Bay Area. Z had another vision for us. Z thinks amazing sex is totally possible and also an important part of our personal power.
We started going to see Z regularly. At first it was so awkward. We laughed. We felt so embarrassed when they asked us questions about orgasms, our sexual dynamics. We had to get used to it.
Z helped us figure out small things like how to understand what each of us need to be turned on. To understand how we can ask each other to have sex in a way that feels good and not like a set up for rejection.
The most important takeaway from our work with Z is the understanding that we can have an amazing sex life. We have had a glimpse of what it feels like to have ‘tear your clothes off’ sex and that wasn’t something we really had before. I think we thought we weren’t the ‘push up against the wall’ kind of couple. The coaching Z has given us has helped us see that we are and that we can be.
It’s normal to not be good at something that you’ve never taken a class in, never read a book about, and never really got help or advice about. It is okay to get help. It’s worth the awkwardness.
