‘The Red Mamba’ Matt Bonner Officially Announced His Retirement In A Touching And Hilarious Video

As the scruffy janitor says in the above video, “Bonnah? I thought he retired three yee-ahs ago?” Alas, Matt Bonner had not retired, as he’d been riding the deep pine for the Spurs in previous seasons. He even averaged a nice 6.9 minutes per game in 30 games for San Antonio during the 2015-16 season. But he was nowhere to be found this season, at least until Friday, when he announced to the world in a brief statement on The Players’ Tribune that his NBA career is, sadly, officially over.

Today, I’m announcing my retirement from the NBA. Thank you to everyone who supported this humble redheaded role player through the years. I loved every team I played for and every city I lived in.

Staying true to myself, I made this mildly humorous video. Unless a professional “spot shooting” league miraculously crops up, I hope you will continue the support for whatever comes for me after basketball.

Yours truly,

Matt Bonner

(aka The Red Rocket, aka The Red Mamba, aka The Sandwich Hunter, aka Coach “B”)

Mildly is an understatement. The video is as funny as it is sad, because the world (or at least the NBA) is a better place when Bonner is on the court. Looking at the bright side, as his Wikipedia page briefly pointed out in the minutes after his announcement, “Red Mamba never dies.” So, let’s hope this means he’ll have more time to join Brian Scalabrine, AKA the White Mamba, for knockout games. Where’s their H-O-R-S-E commercial, McDonald’s?