$200 Million Turd: ‘Battleship’ opens with Brooklyn Decker’s boobs, goes downhill from there

After the jump, it’s the first trailer for Universal’s Battleship, which is loosely based on the board game and reportedly cost $200 million to make. I think it looks amazingly terrible, but then I could be biased because I’ve read the script. It stars the poor man’s Chris Pine, Taylor Kitsch as a cocky young blah blah something something aliens come and Rihanna is there. Liam Neeson reprises his role as Guy Who Likes Paychecks, and Alexander Skarsgård is all “HURRR, I’M HANDSOME.” Also, the aliens have jumping battleships in this one. That’s right, JUMPING BATTLESHIPS. It makes sense, because they’re aliens. Hey, Hollywood, maybe it’d be easier to just tell us which movies AREN’T about alien invasions from now on.

“Prepare to fire.”

“Sir, which weapons?”

“All of them.”

“…Well why didn’t you just say ‘fire all the weapons’ in the first place, f*ckhead? We’re fighting jumping alien battleships here, it’s not a time to be coy. God you’re an assh*le.”

Well done, Battleship. Ten points for realistic dialog. Anyway, I can think of better ways to spend $200 million dollars, but all of them involve Brooklyn Decker banging me on a jetpack.