Fat Christian Bale & the new American Hustle posters make my pants tight

It’s already well-established that the trailer for David O. Russel’s American Hustle melted my face off and kicked my balls in, but now we have five new American Hustle posters for each character, including one starring my new favorite actor, Fat Christian Bale, at which to aim our boners. He’s skinny, he’s fat, he’s buff, he’s growly – that dude is so method, you guys.

There’s just a lot to love here. Christian Bale’s gut and combover, Bradley Cooper’s curler curls (NOT a perm, as we’ve established), Amy Adams’ rockin’ cleavage, Jeremy Renner’s Phil Simms hair and pinky ring, and Jennifer Lawrence’s…. everything. I hate to curse it with high expectations, but if this movie doesn’t change life as we know it I will be throwing the most embarrassing of hissy fits.

Quick! How many chest hairs? I counted 873.

Only a mega-pretty boy actor could grow a gut that big without the shape of his face changing at all.

He plays “Irving Rosenfeld.” Haha, yeah right.

That sound you hear? It’s me biting my knuckle.

I can practically smell the polyester and stale cigarettes.

American Hustle opens Christmas Day. Happy birthday, Jesus, hope you like Vince’s boner.

[posters via Moviefone and HuffingtonPost]