And Now, The Worst Movies Of 2014

Last year was a truly bizarre year for bad movies, because it felt like there were almost too many to keep track of. Hell, I had to write an amendment to my list just to make sure that Jobs was included, since I couldn’t remember all of them. This year was a lot different, though. From the first releases of January, I kept my trusty list going, and when it came time to review that list in the last few weeks, I didn’t really find many omissions. Call it a coup for Hollywood or simply call it a better year for movies. Just don’t call it a year without really bad, dumb and generally pointless movies.

As always, there are certain rules that I adhere to in constructing this list, because I try to be somewhat fair to all of the movies and the people who tried their hardest in producing some scorching hot mung. A quick rundown of those self-imposed rules:

  • No Happy Madison.
  • No Seltzer/Friedberg or spoof comedy in general.
  • No Madea.
  • No Larry the Cable Guy.
  • No sequels, remakes or reboots, unless they’re just exceptionally bad.

And this year’s new Law of Burns is… No Kirk Cameron. That one is obviously inspired by Saving Christmas. That was a lost cause from, well, the backlash. So let’s just be fair to the older Seaver boy and leave that one to the jackals in the Rotten Tomatoes reviews. I have, however, revoked one rule – No Multiple Appearances by the Same Actor. Someone went out of his way to star in two awful movies this year, and I can’t ignore such a feat. Other than that, it’s open season on bad movies and it’s time to declare a big loser.

Right after a few honorable mentions…

The Movie that I Shall Not Incur the Wrath of God Over: Heaven is for Real

I made fun of Vince a lot this year because it seemed like he hated just about every movie that he reviewed, but when he really dislikes a film, it’s like I have to watch it to see how bad it is. Heaven is for Real is no different than Transformers: Age of Extinction. It was made for a specific audience, and that audience ate it up and licked the plate clean of one man’s desire to be a living saint. Good for them, I guess.

The Happy Madison Movie that Didn’t Really Suck that Much: Blended

I may never recover from the visual stupidity of the French onion soup bit, but if I ranked all of Sandler’s movies (again), Blended still wouldn’t be in the Bottom 5. Also, Terry Crews always makes things better.

The Sequel that Didn’t Need to be Made: Horrible Bosses 2

If Jason Bateman, Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis wanted to make another movie together, they should have just recorded two hours of them hanging out and spared us the recycled plot. They could have also spared themselves the sore throats, because the screaming over each other bit gets really old after, I don’t know, two minutes. (Very close runner-up: Dumb and Dumber To.)

The Movie that People Loved that I Just Didn’t Get: Gone Girl

This film didn’t crack my Top 10 because when I told people I didn’t like it, they made me feel like there was something wrong with me. People kept talking about the twist, so I was waiting for this incredible twist, and when it happened… I was like, “That’s it?” I think my problem was that Rosamund Pike had already starred in a movie that had an awesome twist – Fracture – and I was holding this to a higher standard. But in the end, it just felt like a really long episode of Tales from the Crypt.