I’ll try to forgive you if you missed it, but this past Saturday marked an important milestone: the premiere of the sixth movie of the “Family Movie Night” series, created as part of a venture between WalMart and Proctor and Gamble to produce cheeseball family films promoting their products. You can see the trailer for Field of Vision above, starring Faith Ford and Joey Adler. It’s about bullying! Message! Walmart and P & G have been releasing a new one of these every month, and they. Are. Amazing. The world’s greatest satirist could not dream up a more perfect send up of Hollywood storytelling than these earnest, unintentional parodies. They all look like they were produced by Roger Corman’s fundamentalist Christian/closeted gay brother, with stock premises boiled down to only their most essential ingredients. They’re like cinematic astronaut food.
And of course they’re all a glorious mad lib of prominent conservatives and washed-up B-listers:
Their fifth co-funded movie, Truth Be Told, debuted on Saturday night on Fox, starring Candace Cameron Bure [yes, Kirk’s sister -Ed] and David James Elliott, among others, and including a musical performance by Danny Gokey of American Idol fame and a cameo by NFL star Kurt Warner. [BrandChannel]
Danny Gokey AND Kurt Warner??? This must have cost them a mint! I’ve got more trailers after the jump, and I just know you’ll love them as much as I do. Oh the glorious, delicious earnestness. It nourishes me.
Change of Plans, starring Kirk Cameron’s sister! They have to pretend to be in love for her family! Guess what happens!
This is the most perfect rom-com parody I’ve ever seen. CAREER WOMAN! BLACKBERRY! PRETEND RELATIONSHIP! FALLING DOWN! SNOW FIGHT! FALLING IN LOVE! BABIES AND WALMART PRODUCTS! HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Whoa, was that a stage kiss out of wedlock? You’re all going to hell now, sorry.
LEVAR BURTON?! OH NO YOU DIH’N’T!
“The Jensen family never made time to connect. But one event. Will show them. That they need to rely. On each other.”
So amazing. If movies were pictures, these would be the display images they put in the frames at the store before you buy them.
Trailer for A Walk in My Shoes, aka BODY SWAPS: Families in Crisis.
Have you ever judged someone… without really knowing them? Have you ever helped someone… without being asked? What would you learn… if you stepped into someone else’s life?
“You a Marine?”
“Yeah. My dad was killed in Fallujah.”
“I never got to say I was sorry.”
I think Nicholas Sparks might be out of a job.
Secrets of the Mountain. Some city kids move out to the country to discover the real America, only to find that their dead grandpa is still alive, and he’s been doing some important research.
“The journal describes… what the Aztecs saw… at the heart of the mountain.”
Holy. Sh*t. It’s like Are We There Yet 2 meets National Treasure! Without the unwholesome minorities!
Change of Plans.
“Theresa and her husband Frank left four children. The Peace Corps brought them back from Africa.”
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE MEXICAN KID HAS A CAST AND A STUFFED ANIMAL!!!
God, I love the old “they left you some third world children in their will” plot. YER CHANGIN’ THAT BOY’S LAAAAAHFE. NO, WAL MART’S CHANGIN’ MAAAAHNE.