On today’s edition of Holy Sh*t, That Exists? (previously on HSTE, Gary Busey plays a pro-wrestling vampire who raps about spider webs), BATTLE BANG. I could try to describe it myself, but I doubt I could do better than the voiceover guy.
REAL MMA fighters. BADASS head-to-head brawls. Hot, HARDCORE sex scenes. BATTLE BANG!
See the toughest guys in porn BATTLE. IT. OUT. The winner bangs a SUPER SEXY PRIZE. The LOSER gets the punishment. BATTLE BANG: REAL Cage Fighting for POONTANG. REAL MMA fights. REAL hardcore sex.
It’s hard to out-MANswer MANswers, but I think this comes pretty close. Basically, this is what would happen if the guys from Weird Science left Spike TV playing at that crucial moment when they were trying to make a girl on their computer.
“Lost a FIGHT? NOW you get to BANG A FATTIE! (*moo sound, ahooga, toilet flush, whoopie cushion*)”
Also, I can’t get enough of this picture:
I guess the big question is, are the fights actually real, or do they mean “real MMA fights” the way they mean “lesbian” or “barely legal?”
Sadly, there isn’t yet a Snopes.com dedicated solely to porn. However, having been to a few local MMA shows myself, I can tell you that the idea that the winner gets to bang a porn star is already pretty much implied. That being said, there’s already such a symbiotic relationship between MMA and porn (War Machine, Dakota Cochrane, Tito Ortiz being married to Jenna Jameson, etc.), that I’m not surprised that they’d be able to find enough male porn stars with MMA experience to put on a competent-looking medium-to-medium-heavy sparring session. It’s probably just a clever way to squeeze some mainstream money out your fetish girls. Though, perhaps I have strange morals, but the honest truth of it is that I thought nothing of the idea that these girls were getting their faces jizzed on for money, but as soon as the announcer described some of the big girls as “punishment,” I thought, “Aw, come on, man, that’s degrading.” Too far, bros. Too far.
The official site (NSFW, obvi) is also full of gems, including profiles of all the porn girls:
About This prize
Petite and perky, Kylee Reese is the perfect prize. She’s an All-American treat with a hunger for man meat. This nasty nympho is eager to unleash her c*ck sucking skills. See her treat the winner right when she spreads wide in the steel cage!
I love you, porn copywriting. And that she’s named after John Connor’s dad.