Battleship Opens Worse Than John Carter

I like to pretend that I’m smart and that I can predict what people are going to do, but of course I can’t, and almost every day shows me new ways that I can still be surprised by people’s stupidity. So while I’d love to say all along that I knew a movie based on a board game was a stupid idea of epic proportions, I just saw a commercial that said NCIS is the most-watched show on television, so what the hell do I know? I don’t even know someone who knows someone who watches that show. In any case, we were right this time, so let’s enjoy it: turns out Battleship really was a stupid f*cking idea. It grossed an estimated $25 million this weekend, on a budget of at least $209 million, not including marketing. For comparison, John Carter, which cost $250 million, and supposedly lost $200 million for Disney, made $30 million in its opening weekend. So, another way to put it is, Battleship got outgrossed by a movie that lost $200 million.

Battleship already made $215 million overseas, and supposedly that’s going to mitigate the losses here, but I’d like to see how much they paid in advertising to make that happen. The ads were everywhere, even starstruck foreigners don’t see crappy alien movies unless you’ve beaten them over the head with it a couple million times. Any way you look at it, it looks like a loss.

And I’m sure there will be plenty of blame to go around, from Peter Berg to Taylor Kitsch (the poor bastard who managed to star in BOTH Battleship and John Carter), even though it’s not their fault. All to avoid the obvious truth: this was a really, really, really stupid f*cking idea for a movie. Like, really stupid. From the very beginning. But of course I’m biased. I don’t want Peter Berg to take the blame for this, because I would miss interviews like this one. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Peter Berg should direct ALL of Hollywood’s idiotic, destined-to-fail crossover ideas. HURRRR, THESE FIG NEWTONS HAVE GREAT NAME RECOGNITION, SOMEONE OPTION THIS SNACK DRAWER.

(via BoxOfficeMojo)

You may noticed that What to Expect When You’re Expectingtanked pretty hard too. Could it be, that this one weekend kills off TWO crappy movie ideas? Both the movie-based-on-a-board game idea AND the movie based on the non-narrative bestseller? Probably not, but a girl can dream.

Dark Knight Rises
Total Recall
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
BOMB PICK: The Raven: $26 million budget – $7 million opening = 19 million

The Avengers: $207 million opening
Men in Black 3
Ice Age
BOMB PICK: Men in Black 3.
TOTAL: 207

Snow White & The Huntsman
Bourne Legacy
BOMB PICK: Dark Shadows: $150 million – 28 million
TOTAL: 122

GI Joe: Retaliation
BOMB PICK: Rock of Ages

Amazing Spider-Man
Battleship: $25 million
Expendables 2
BOMB PICK: Battleship: 209m – 25m = 184
TOTAL: 209