There are few things in life I enjoy so much as Ben Affleck’s pop-directorial style paired with Dennis Lehane’s über bleak, Boston-set molestation revenge stories. Lehane is grittiah than vintage Welkah, Gawd rest his fackin traiterous soul. In fact, the first time I typed an exaggerated Bostonian accent, I think it was in reference to a Lehane movie. Last time Ben Affleck handled a Lehane story was his directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone, a gritty fackin modern nwah stawry if ever I sawr one. But according to Deadline, Casey’s brother is currently in talks to direct an adaptation of Lehane’s Live By Night. This one’s set during prohibition, but I’m pretty sure there was molestation and the Sawx back then too, so it shouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
Affleck is in talks at the studio to make Live By Night the next film he will write-direct-produce and star in. The project is based on the new novel by Dennis Lehane that was just published by William Morrow.
Live By Night uses some of the characters from Lehane’s sprawling period novel The Given Day and brings them into Prohibition. The focus is Joe Coughlin, the black-sheep son of a police captain who gets involved in escalating levels of organized crime.
So it doesn’t overtly seem to involve anyone taking revenge on their molestors, but it could be there in the subtext. I’d like to think it is. More importantly, it didn’t stop Burnsy, Chareth, and I from imagining what are sure to be of the pivotal scenes:
HEY FACKFACE, DID YOU FACKIN MOLEST MY QUEAH BROTHAH? ME AN TAWMMY AN DAGO MIKE AH GONNA GO TA FACKIN TOWN AWN YOU, CAWKSUCKAH! YOU’LL BE DRINKIN’ THROUGH A FACKIN’ STRAWR WHEN WEYAH FACKIN DONE WITH YOU!
YOAH LUCKY THE FACKIN’ BRUINS ARE AWN RIGHT NOW, OR ELSE YOU BETTAH BELIEVE ME, MY BROTHAHS, MY FACKIN’ WEIRD UNCLE DAWNNIE AND EVEN THAT SKANK DENISE WOULD BE OVAH THEYAH TO KICK YOAH FACKIN TEETH IN.
—
DON’T SWEAT IT, BRO. REMEMBAH THAT ONE SEMESTAH I DID AT HOLY CRAWSS? I GAWT LOADED ON BUSHMILLS ONE NIGHT AND GAWT TAGGED TEAMED BY SOME FACKIN’ JESUITS. IT DON’T MEAN SHIT.
“That means a lot, Tawmmy. Than-
NAW, I’M JUST FACKIN WITH YOU, YOU QUEAH BASTARD! AHAHAHA. I CANT BELIEVE YOU GAWT CAWNHOLED!
—
[interior, psychiatrist’s office]
WAIT, WASN’T THAT ONE DUDE FROM BOONDAWK SAINTS A QUEAH? WILLEM WHATEVAH? THAT MOVIE WAS FACKIN’ INTENSE, BRO.
“Gentlemen, if you could just quiet down and let your brother describe his experience with being sexually assau-
YOU BADMOUTHIN BOONDAWK SAINTS, MOTHAFACKAH? TROY DUFFY ONCE DATE-RAPED MY COUSIN MARIE, SO THIS IS FACKIN’ AWN TAWPIC.
“How’d you even get in here?”
—
DON’T WORRY, TAWMMY. I’M GONNA BUST THIS CASE WIDE OPEN.
Thanks, br-
MUCH LIKE THAT CAMP COUNSELAH BUSTED AWL OVAH THE SMAWL OF YOUR BACK, YA TWINK FACK. HAHAHA. NAW, BRO. I’M JUST BUSTIN BAWLS.
—
I GAWT BUTTFUCKED BY FATHAH DAWNOVAN WHEN I WAS NINE, YET YOU DON’T SEE ME ALL MISTY EYED OVAH HEAH.
Wait, what?
HUH? NOTHIN. WHAT, AH YOU GAY? SHUT UP AND WATCH THE GAME.
—
[final scene, interior courtroom]
IT IS THE OPINION OF THIS AWNORABLE COURT THAT THE VICTIM WALK IT AWFF AND STAWP FACKIN’ CRYIN’ LIKE A CUNT. GO SAWX.
*bangs gavel*
*credits roll to Dropkick Murphys*
[thanks to Chareth for writing 98% of this]