Kevin Costner solves the oil spill, forgiven for ‘The Postman’

Senior Editor
06.10.10 17 Comments

(You thought I was going to say ‘Waterworld’, didn’t you.  Trust me, ‘The Postman’ is worse.)

We learned a few weeks ago that Kevin Costner was trying to sell BP on a device (into which he had invested $20 million of his own money) that reportedly could separate oil from water.  I was waiting to see if it actually worked to report on it again, because let’s face it, he’s still an actor.  Tom Cruise believes alien ghosts control our thoughts and Sherri Shepard isn’t convinced the world is round; it wouldn’t have been surprising if Costner’s invention had turned out to be a sewing machine.  But surprise of all surprises, BP has ordered 32 of them.

The machines — marketed by Ocean Therapy Solutions — are like vacuum cleaners that suck up the oily water and separate the pollutants through a centrifuge.
Pat Smith, chief operating officer of Ocean Therapy Solutions, said recent tests have shown that the machines can separate the water and the oil with 99.9 percent efficiency.
BP recently put in an order for 32 of the machines to help clean up the Gulf of Mexico, according to Ocean Therapy Solutions CEO John Houghtaling, who said the 32 machines could process 6 million gallons of water a day. [HoustonChronicle]

The device can supposedly filter 200 gallons a minute.  Is that a lot?  Enough to clean an entire f*cking ocean?  Will the centrifuge only create schools of dizzy-ass fish swimming around the ocean bumping into sh*t?  I don’t know, I’m not a fish doctor.  But I know it’s enough to forgive the man for a few crappy movies.  I already sent him a dead, oil-covered pelican in the mail with a post-it note that says “thank you.”  Don’t worry, he’ll understand.

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Seriously?  You had to throw in a Field of Dreams clip (1:47), didn’t you, you f*cking hacks.  Anyway, congratulations, Costner, you are forgiven and then some.  Meanwhile, Seltzer Friedberg will need a cure for cancer AND inexhaustible clean energy.

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