Damn you, Hallmark and your meaningless holidays, have you no sense of decency or boundaries when it comes to what nonsense you will create for the sake of selling greeting cards? Apparently not, because here I am today on National Orgasm Day filling out greeting cards for my family and closest friends to congratulate them on another year of sexual gratification and achievements, and I’ve just got sucker written all over me. Then again, it’s hard to ignore the majesty of the orgasm and how important it is to all mankind, so maybe there is a case to be made that the orgasm deserves its own day like America’s independence or the birth of Jesus. After all, no one is thanked more during the act of orgasm than God, so it makes sense.
Of course, no one knows a good orgasm better than the fine folks in show business, because actors and actresses getting their rocks off has become a time-honored tradition in luring John Q. Moviegoer to the theaters each week. Hollywood has been bringing us up close and personal orgasms since at least 1933, when Hedy Lamarr sat back and enjoyed the ride in Ecstasy. Disclaimer: I’m not sure if this clip qualifies as NSFW today, but I believe in 1933 it was grounds for public execution.
No screaming? No violent convulsions and ridiculous faces that really let us know that the actress is enjoying that sex? What a lousy orgasm. Obviously, when we think of the entertainment industry’s orgasmic standard-bearers, though, the conversation always begins with Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, as her delicatessen O-no-she-didn’t has long been considered her greatest acting achievement (short of being in Innerspace, which is one of the greatest movies ever made).
Did you know that Ryan was nervous when it came time to film that scene? It’s true, the actress was rather bashful about letting loose in front of the cast and crew, so director Rob Reiner, of all people, took it upon himself to coach her. So the next time that you’re trying to bring that special someone to orgasm and the process is proving to be somewhat difficult, ask yourself, “What would Rob Reiner do?” Also, try not to vomit on your partner.
No ordinary man, specifically one who looks like Billy Crystal, should ever believe that he’s capable of making a woman lose her mind like that in bed, which is why we also always turn to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Seinfeld for an explanation of why a woman would go to such lengths to fool her sexual partner into thinking he’s better than he actually is. After all, a fake orgasm not only tells a lie to the man, but also to all of the women he has sex with after that.
Something that is often lost in the conversation about Hollywood’s great orgasms is that just like in reality, there is sometimes a male partner involved in the pork party. Granted, some sex scenes might have only one person or they could have plenty of people, but with apologies to fans of Caligula, it’s just impossible to keep track of so many orgasms in one film. When it comes to the art of the orgasm, some of the world’s greatest thespians and their directors prefer to have the sex be authentic. Former lovers Sienna Miller and Hayden Christensen reportedly sealed the deal during their sex scenes for Factory Girl, while people even believe that two legends like Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange danced the forbidden dance in their iconic kitchen table scene in The Postman Always Rings Twice, despite the fact that they have always denied it.
While working on the 2008 film Little Ashes, sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson was so dedicated to making sure that his orgasms seemed real that before filming his sex scene with Javier Beltrán, he pleasured himself in front of the cast and crew so he’d actually climax while Salvador Dalí was getting it on with Federico García Lorca. That’s the kind of loyalty to the craft that you just don’t see from TV and movie stars these days. But that’s not to say that the industry isn’t filled with people who try, because Hollywood has faked more orgasms than all of Tom Cruise’s girlfriends and wives combined.
So to celebrate this honorable holiday of National Orgasm Day, I thought I’d take some time to dig through the best, worst and most bizarre of Hollywood’s most talked about orgasms, while shining the light on some that have simply never gotten the respect (and disrespect) that they deserve. If you’re the type of person who is short on time both on the web and in the bedroom, then perhaps you can celebrate the quick take with this Orgasm Scene Dubstep that isn’t nearly as obnoxious as I expected it to be.
But I’m a man who really likes to get elbow deep for a good orgasm, so let’s get on with the moaning, groaning and all-around boning in this festival of Hollywood orgasms.
(Note: I’m not including Adam Campbell in Date Movie, because that so-called parody was hot Seltzer/Friedberg garbage, but I also didn’t include Shirley MacLaine’s performance in Being There because I couldn’t find video, and because it might be the absolute best scene of its kind, I didn’t want to do it an injustice by merely describing it. Of course, there are also plenty of other movies that I skipped over, so feel free to mention them accordingly.)
The Good: Will Forte and Maya Rudolph in MacGruber
I figured I’d start with a personal favorite, as MacGruber had one of two hilarious sex scenes that began with riffs on the cinematic art of 80s action movie sex scenes, only to unfold in a perhaps too realistic finishing scene for Will Forte and Kristen Wiig. In general, MacGruber is a film that should be aired at least once daily.
The Bad: Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls
Not only can I not share the Showgirls pool scene in question, as it features Kyle MacLachlan harpooning a completely naked Elizabeth Berkley as if she’s an out-of-control dolphin that must be stopped before it splashes all of the water out of the ocean, but I’m not sure I want to because it’s just so awful. However, you’re all smart kids and, if you haven’t seen it before, you can obviously find it very easily on Daily Motion (NSFW, obviously).
The Bizarre: Jane Fonda in Barbarella
In this 1968 sci-fi film, the titular heroine almost meets her maker via orgasmic death, only she ends up being too much for even the Excessive Machine to handle. Incredible, indeed, as I’m sure that 60s and 70s Fonda had plenty of men who would have liked to have put the concept of this ridiculous scene to the test.
The Eye-Opening: Joan Allen in Pleasantville
This scene was like watching June Cleaver punish the Beav, except that only after I write that do I realize how awful of a phrase that is. Oh well, an orgasm with the power to turn black and white into color and make a tree explode is probably as great as they come. (Every pun intended, always.)
The Obnoxious: Kristen Bell in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Look, I love Mila Kunis as much as the next guy, but she’s really lucky that her gritty screaming, combined with Jason Segel grinding on top of her, is at least funny. At the same time, Kristen Bell’s yodeling from atop Russell Brand somehow manages to be the most offensive thing in a scene that features Russell Brand having sex. What a perfect storm of abstinence defense.
The Wonderful: Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda
People don’t talk about the brilliance of A Fish Called Wanda enough, specifically how wonderful Kevin Kline was in it. Or maybe they do and I just don’t pay enough attention. Either way, that Phoebe Cates is a lucky woman to get to hear that kind of singing voice whenever she feels like it.
The Heavenly: Jennifer Aniston in Bruce Almighty
I’m not sure how many fellas out there have ever had the fantasy of scoop-slamming Jennifer Aniston onto a bed before taking the F-train to Bonetown, but none of us will ever have the advantage of actually being God and using such power to make her orgasm before she’s even ready. Well, maybe Brad Pitt was close and that’s why it has taken forever for her to get over him.
The Give Me A F*cking Break Already: Shannyn Sossamon in 40 Days and 40 Nights
Regardless of how absurd every last detail of this movie is, 40 Days and 40 Nights has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, because I love to watch it and laugh my ass off at every single stupid line and scene. But the idea of “Hey babe, I brought you some flowers, and I thought maybe instead of having sex, I’d try to get you off by lightly touching you all over with an orchid” is spectacularly hilarious. Bravo to writer Rob Perez for this one.
The Really F*cking Bad: Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth
Forget orgasms and even the fact that Katherine Heigl is one of the least likable people in show business, this is definitely up there for one of the worst scenes in movie history. There’s almost a saving grace in Gerard Butler’s sh*t-eating grin, but then Random Hot Actress chimes in with “What’s in ceviche?” and it totally wasn’t funnier when the old lady in the delicatessen said practically the same thing after Meg Ryan faked it.
The Actually Funny: Chyler Leigh in Not Another Teen Movie
I don’t know what it is about Not Another Teen Movie that makes it funnier than basically every movie in the terrible parody (Insert Obvious Topic) Movie sub-genre, but everyone from her crazy ‘Nam vet dad to the little kid mumbling, “It smells in here” coming to visit while My Lil Vibrator is wedged between Chyler Leigh’s legs is some good spoofing. It’s basically like the similar dry cleaner scene from The Sweetest Thing, but a year earlier.
The So Bad It’s Great: Kim Cattrall in Porky’s
As I wrote in my celebration of Big Trouble in Little China, Kim Cattrall was as underrated as they come when you’re talking about an 80s sex symbol, but her locker room sex scene in 1982’s Porky’s is one of the grosser moments of her career. Turned on by the smell of high school boys’ dirty gym clothes, she quickly proves why all the guys call her Lassie. Again, I can’t share the video but it’s available at Daily Motion (NSFW and quite loud).
The Delightful: Jenna Elfman in Keeping the Faith
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being a creature who lives under bridges and 10 being good enough for George Clooney, Jenna Elfman was an 11 in Keeping the Faith, the goofy and mostly flat 2000 comedy that answered the question, “Did you hear the one about the priest and the rabbi who fell in love with the same girl they grew up with?” As for the orgasm in question, I’m not sure why it’s impossible for the characters to remove the vibrating objects from their lady regions, but I assume that would be detrimental to the joke.
The Awesome: John C. Reilly and Kathryn Hahn in Step Brothers
Kathryn Hahn is such a spectacular supporting actress that I almost pray that she’s never turned into a leading lady, even though I want nothing but the best for her career. It’s a catch-22, but I guess if someone can write her starring roles in which she’s as awesome as she is in this bathroom quicky with John C. Reilly, then she can be even better than she is now.
The Fetishy: Gary and Lisa in Team America: World Police
It’s amazing how there’s more emotion in the orgasm faces of puppets on strings than some porn stars. Also, that’s right, I won’t post the actual clips for Porky’s or Showgirls, but I will include a puppet eating another puppet’s butt. I’m crazy like that.
The Legendary: Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein
In case you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to make love to Frankenstein, it’s apparently enough to make a woman break out into beautiful song. Madeline Kahn was the best.
The Quick and Painless: Diane Keaton and Woody Allen in Sleeper
If something like the Orgasmatron really existed, we’d probably be a lot more productive of a society. The population would also take a significant dip, but some would argue that might be for the better.
The Exploratory: Christine Taylor and Stan Chu in Zoolander
I don’t think this scene is all that great, at least compared to the rest of the movie, but when Stan Chu’s Sherpa showed up at the end, it made it a hell of a lot better. I bet all the ladies out there might even say that their men could use the help of a Sherpa in finding the G-spot, am I right? Haha, I bet I’m right.
The Blatant Lie: Tara Reid in American Pie
There isn’t a man alive who ever hooked up in high school and made a girl scream like that, and anyone who claims he did is a liar in the truest sense of the word.
The Constant Reminder: Keri Lynn Pratt in Cruel Intentions 2
We should always remember the time that Amy Adams instructed Keri Lynn Pratt how to get off from grinding on her horse’s saddle. It totally wasn’t one of the most ridiculous, disturbing and inappropriate scenes ever filmed… wait for it, this punchline is killer… not.
The Yeesh, Bro: Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump
It’s okay, Forrest. We’ve all been there before. And at least you grew up to become a wealthy bachelor. Surrounding yourself with supermodels can more than make up for that lousy almost first time, pal.
The Fifty Shades Before Fifty Shades was a Thing: Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary
I don’t care what happens in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, because it won’t be as f*cked up as Secretary. Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson don’t have anything on James Spader and Maggie G-Spot.