I’ve still got FilmDrunk shirts left (sorry, Ls, and XLs) and just added shipping to Ireland (if you live somewhere else that doesn’t have a shipping rate, just ask, and I can look it up). I’ll be giving one away to this week’s Comments of the Week winner, unless I don’t have his size, in which case I’ve got some Troma titles. YAY! Troma titles!
Okay, let’s get to it. Taylor Lautner had a new trailer out this week, in which he plays a character, as Brendon put it, “much like Jason Bourne, if Bourne were in high school, never closed his mouth, was constantly baffled by everything around him and sounded like a woman.” Anyway, the humor of this week’s winning comment may depend on whether you read it as satire, which I did:
KyleCows says: Awwwww, sick Sleigh Bells track in the background, yo. I totes herd that dopeness when I was shoppin for kicks @ Urban O’s.
But 4 reel, I need to c this flick. I totally thought of a simLear idea while I was lifting weights @ my H.S. gym. I was like “what if my parents got killed but then I could be like a hero with like action and stuff.” It’ll be cool to c my vision brought 2 life.
I think it was the “simLear” that did it. So congratulations, and send me your address and size, Kyle, provided you want to collect your shirt. The rest of you, join me below for the honorable mentions.
You guys had a field day with Sasha Grey retiring from porn, as I expected:
NothingProductive: This comes as a spitty gagging blow to the porn industry (pun, indubitably, intended, sirs, good day).
The Hammer says: I wonder who will fill the gaping hole she leaves behind in the porn industry.
Deux Deux Deux says: Better than her original draft. Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got, being on Entourage and all. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest anal whore on the face of this earth. Strangers have been in me for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans. And syphilis from Ron Jeremy.
Ah, well. I’ll always have the illegal downloads of the 20,000 movies she’s done. Farewell, you titan of b*ttfucking.
From the feature-length, fan-made remake of Footloose:
Jacktion! says: Just like breakfast, it sucks without Bacon.
From the X-Men: First Class new trailer:
ChinoMoreno says: F*cking Magneto, how does he work??
From Scre4m is not very good:
Moose says: Why doesn’t Ghostface just use a gun like all the other rappers?
From TELL YOUR BROS! HANGOVER 2 POSTERS WILL LOOK GREAT IN YOUR FRAT HOUSE!
Chareth Cutestory says: Bro, check it. Tyler’s dick is smaller than that chink dude’s.
Hey, f*ck you Chad.
NO F*CK YOU, TYLER. GUESS WHO JUST GOT DISINVITED TO MY STEPDAD’S CABIN.
…harsh bro.
From Planet of the Apes get rebooted again:
The Hitchhiking Ghost: Franco as a scientist is adorable. BTW, I’ve never heard the line, “It could potentially SAVE/CHANGE lives!” yelled out in a trailer dealing with science before.
Ragnarok says: When your lock gets picked by a knife on a stick; you, sir, had a sh*t lock.
And finally, from The Tiny Justice League presents Morning Links:
Deux Deux Deux says: I want that Super Baby to be my town’s mayor.
Thanks to all. And remember, nominate your favorite comments in the comment section below if you want me to consider them for next Sunday’s Comments of the Week prize.
And now for HATE MAIL.
I thought this segment was off to a good start when I first announced it last week and one the first comments was:
Easy Killer says: The email idea is a great one. Thanks Maddox!
First off, Maddox is great, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t invent the idea of hate mail. Secondly, my segment is about hate comments, not hate emails, but I guess that’s my fault for calling it Hate “Mail”. (It’s just catchier that way). In any case, points for casual dismissiveness.
From Hangover 2/Fratboy post:
nezzer says: This post reads worse than when I use Babel Fish on my favorite German sex toy site.
That’s probably because I wrote it in fraternity speak, and you were too much of a loser to get a bid. My boys Moose and Dozer help me write it. You disrespect Moose and Dozer? Dozer’s dad owns a dealership. You wish, bro.
From Sean Penn is an ugly woman/uglier version of Robert Smith from The Cure:
Proteon says: So we disprove of all the Hollywood remakes and we disprove of films with ridiculous premises. Can we please save whats left of the time we have and just invent a single plotline we can mentally handle and emotionally be seen approving of?
When I said the aging-rockstar-hunts-Nazi-soldiers premise was ridiculous, I didn’t necessarily mean that was a bad thing. But sorry if I accidentally insulted your boyfriend Sean Penn and his eyeliner Nazi fighter flick, bro. I’ll try to be more careful in the future.
That’s it for this week’s Hate Mail. Hopefully I’ll have more to report next week.