11.09.09 8 years ago 41 Comments

Morning, y’all.  The good news is, I’ve got a couple copies of the Black Dynamite soundtrack to give away to today’s comments of the week winners (other good news: Jesus is risen).  It’s a pretty cool soundtrack, and the movie is still in theaters (a handy list of which you’ll find here).  So go see it, otherwise you’ll make me look bad, and I totally don’t need that right now.

And now, the winners.  Choosing this was brutal because you guys were on fire like my genital sores this week.  But here are the top three, the prize winners:

(from Avatar crew congratulates themselves) Chareth Cutestory says: “Good news, we can fly you to an alien planet and graft your DNA with that of an alien, follow that up with a mind-meld thingy, thereby allowing you to infiltrate their species and take them out.”

“And what about my paralysis? How’s that coming?”

“We’re not miracle workers, dude.”

(from the Retarded Church Orphan MMA Fighter movie) Vodka says: Alternate title: Takedown Syndrome

Burnsy says: No Holds Tard.

Well done, guys, email me your addresses.  As for honorable mentions, there are many.  Especially the rest of that retarded MMA thread:

Chareth Cutestory says: Alternate title: Affliction.

Donkey Hodey says: They should have made him a foreigner instead and called if ‘Perfect Stranglers’.

Buzzardsaw says: Alternate Title: Never Back Downs.

Stinkey Peet says: 
Alternate title: Fragile xXx [Ed. Note: Mr. Science sez “Yep, that’s a Down Syndrome reference.]
* sees karma frowning in the distance *
* remembers he’s done having kids *
* drops pants, helicopters d-ck *

Påüłÿ Ðąηgęrσűşľγ says: It just goes to show you that retarded strength will take you a long way, but a retarded heart will take you even further.

And the crowd goes wild.

(From Joss Whedon offers to buy rights to Terminator) Donkey Hodey says: Joss Whedon looks like He’s been stealing from Ken Griffey Jr’s stash of nerve tonic.

I hope to God Joss Whedon never reads this page, but if he does… I’m very, very sorry.

(from Diora Baird’s deleted Star Trek scene) Burnsy says:
Diora reminds me of a poem I wrote in elementary school…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bitch get in the van
If you know what’s good for you.

From DirecTV Hires More Dead Celebrities:

Stinky Peet says: David Carradine wants you to know that all DirecTV subscribers get Oxygen.

From Mohammed biopic announced:

Donkey Hodey says: For this one, Mohammad will always be off-screen and his talking will come out sounding like a muffled trumpet.

Mohammad: Wah wah waah wahh, wah wahh wah wah waaah wah
Charlie Brown: Thy will be done.

Pauly Dangerously says: They should get a sacred cow to play the role and call him “Moohammed.”

From the Russian poster for Avatar, in which the title looks like “Abatap.”:

Michelle07 says: Is it narrated by Mush Mouth from Fat Albert?  “Heyba youba, youba my Abatap, my butba holeby hurt”*
*I like to assume

From Prince of Persia and his magic dagger that controls time:

African Prince says: Big deal, in my kingdom we have a magical stick that fast-forwards through commercial breaks.

From the Nut Shot scene in Old Dogs:

Immortal 9 says: Looks like it’s time for the old dog (*RECORD SCRATCH*) to learn new tricks.

*gets hit in the nuts*

From 1,001 Nights aka Arabian Nights:

Burnsy says:
 On roughly 99 of those nights, her story ended with, “Look a-hole, I just don’t feel like telling you the rest of it tonight. Jesus, you’re such a f-cking d-ck sometimes. I’m going to sleep at my parents’ house tonight. Where’s my f-cking chocolate bars, you sh-thead?”

Charlie Br0nze says:
 Yeah, nice story Scheherazade, how about a f-cking sandwich?

From Danny Boyle directing movie about one-armed climber Aron Ralston:

Donkey Hodey says: He can only offer you a knuckle hors d’oeuvre.

Stinky Peet says:
  Aron Ralston loved Slumdog Millionaire THIS MUCH!

Chino Moreno says: Here’s the church and here’s the steeple, Aron’s congregation consists of five people.

Pauly Dangerously says: INVISIBLE HAND!

Phew, did that take as long to read as it did to write?  I hope not.  Anyway, well done, guys, you’re really at your best when you’re ridiculing someone for their disability.

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