FilmDrunk

Comments Of The Week: British Porn Puns Edition

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Picture unrelated.


Comments of the Week is back, and I’m giving away FilmDrunk shirts (BUY YOURS HERE) to each week’s winner. We don’t have an upvoting function yet, so in the meantime, you’ll have to bookmark this post and paste your favorite comments in the comments section from which I’ll choose each week’s winner. Got it? Good.

Comments of the week was on hiatus last week. Look, I had my reasons. Trust me, I was doing very important stuff. Milking orphans and putting the legs back onto injured kittens and sh*t. Okay, then, let’s run down these past two weeks of important comments. The mere fact that this comment from Going Clear and Scientology’s Tax Exemption didn’t win should tell you how strong the winner was:

Chareth Cutestory: David Miscavige looks like Dagg Romney, the son Mitt left at the door of an assylum after he made a dressage horse uncomfortable.

It’s hard to deny that Chareth is commenter royalty. From A Virgin’s Guide To Wondercon:

Chareth Cutestory: And here I thought comic conventions were all about pretending to care about Sailor Moon as a Korean girl of indeterminate age does high kicks in a harshly lit mezzanine.

Chareth Cutestory: Which makes it all the more endearing that Vince was too busy admiring the attention to detail in a graphic retelling of Dr. King’s march from Selma.

Also, simple yet effective (context doesn’t much matter here):

silance: Life Hack: Never go to Birmingham

Does he mean Alabama or England? Eh, probably both. From David Miscavige had his father tailed:

Schnitzel bob: This story reminds me of the time Pope Francis had his father followed because he was afraid he’d be caught slapping the salami.

The fears turned out to be well founded, as Il Papa’s papa was caught going to delis and literally slapping salami, claiming that “These Argentines, they never-a make-a the salami the right way!”

Funny doesn’t always have to make sense. Remember that. Collectively, you all did some fine work in the British politician admits favoriting porn thread.

Stallonewolf: Which British porn did he favorite? “Stiff Up Her Lips?”

hambone29: Mind the Gash

meh: The Iron Labia

Stallonewolf: Backdoor Queen Mum

Incredible Tulk: Riding the Tube

Verbal Kunt: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Slag

AB: Paddington’s bears.

Those were all pretty great, but this week’s winner… was just a cut above.

Stallonewolf: Looking up porn is tough in Britain because when you search “Big black blokes crushing wee bald c*nts” you just get footage of a post-match race riot.

It manages to be edgy, innocent, and verbally deft all at once. Congrats, Stallonewolf, this week you were the best of us. Send me your address and size to collect your shirt.

BONUS!

This week also brought us Schnitzel Bob fan fiction.

Schnitzel bob: Matt entered the small studio of the local radio station to promote an upcoming show. It was a good opportunity, and the producer was someone he knew from rehab.

He sat down and waited through the commercial break, making awkward small talk with the host, an aging frat-bro who’d essentially come to inhabit his radio persona. Every so often there were hints that his zoo crew antics were part of a facade, but he’d lived the lie so long that he probably didn’t know where he ended and “Bozo Bob in the afternoon” began.

“So, welcome back. We’re joined by local comedian Matt Lieb who’s here to tell us about his porn watching habits”

This caught Matt by surprise. He’d been assured by his producer friend that this would be a softball promo piece, and cast an alarmed look to the producer’s booth. He responded with a resigned shrug. DJs gonna DJ. Matt was on his own.

“Now Matt, I understand you’ve recently been caught up in a bit of a scandal, in which you used your twitter account to ‘favourite’ a porn video.”

“Well…” Matt began, before being cut off.

“For the 10th time this month.” The host stopped, resting in his smugly pregnant pause.

There were many things that Matt was embarrassed about. The way he ate spaghetti, for instance. Or just how far he was willing to go for a hot girl. His signed Linkin Park poster. The branded “I Robot” Vans he had bought in 2004, thinking they were a collector’s item. The way he pronounced ‘Milk’. The list went on. But one thing Matt was not embarrassed about were his porn habits. Confidently, he addressed the host.

“Look, Bozo.” He smiled in vindication as he saw a hint of a wince when he refused to use the second part of the host’s nickname. “I always like to say, I’m a man of the world. And as a man of the world, I’ll admit that I’ve watched some porn.”

“But don’t you feel…” Bozo Bob began. Matt kept talking.

“A lot of porn. For days on end, sometimes. All kinds of porn. Fat porn, skinny porn, porn that features knots, tough porn, sissy porn, even porn with chicken pox.” He paused in admiration of his sudden oratorial prowess.

“So yes, Bozo, I do watch porn. I do so because that’s my right as an American citizen! I do so proudly, for all the people around the world who can’t! And I’ll keep doing it!” At this point he stood up.

“And furthermore, I’m doing a show tomorrow night at the Laundromat, and I might watch porn there, too! In fact, I’m going to watch porn right now!”

With a final withering stare at Bozo Bob, he took off his headphones and stormed out of the studio.

I love you guys. (Some of you).

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