Comments of the Week: June 26 – July 1st

It’s that time again, Drunkards. Gather round, gather round. Lend your ears** while I remind you how funny you are. Sadly, other than a few people dropping by old posts to scream racial slurs, I don’t have too much to report for Weekly Weird Watch. But there was this objection:

From An in-depth profile of a lady who makes fart-fetish videos:

omniheart: Interesting article. But you can kiss my ass when it comes to that foot fetish comment.
Why exactly is it “weird” or “pretentious”(are you kidding me? That makes no coherent sense) to be attracted to a certain body part if it’s not considered “private?” I guess liking legs is pretty pretentious too. Get the f*ck out of here with that sh*

I like the “lol” ending. Funny how you can sense the pathos in a laugh even in text-acronym form, isn’t it? Anyway, nothing wrong with your foot fetish, pal, I just think it’s weird. You can compare it to liking legs all you want, no one ever calls it a “leg fetish.” No, I’m not kidding you. We’ve all implicitly decided that it’s less weird than a foot fetish with our language choices already. Don’t kill the messenger.

This week’s comments of the week was an easy choice. It’s the succinct, scathing criticism in The Supercut of Aaron Sorkinisms:

Ace Rimmer: Aaron Sorkin is Tyler Perry for liberal arts majors.

That is both harsh and totally true. So congratulations, Ace. I don’t suppose you can fit into a Medium, 2X, or 3X FilmDrunk shirt? Email me. Read on for your honorable mentions.

From Fart Fetish Lady:

John Wayne in a Devo Hat: So far I’ve only seen the Cinemax versions where you’re supposed to jack it to girls making fart sounds with their armpits.

Nice visual there.

From Don’t worry, Willow Smith didn’t get her tongue pierced:

Larry: “Just a young girl/having fun with accessories” is an underrated Tom Petty lyric.

From Keanu Reeves is reinventing kung fu in his directorial debut:

Homo_Erectus: Wouldn’t it be just astounding if her turned out to be a great director? It would be like discovering your family pet could do electrical wiring.

From Male stripper calls Magic Mike a victory for women’s lib:

Deanosaurian: “After all, it was against the law for women to vote, but Susan B. Anthony thought she saw a lotta lawwww breakers out there.”

From Tyler Perry stars in Alex Cross:

Good Grief: This film should be called, “Fresh Out of Madeas.”

Ragnarok: Tyler Perry is: Dresser Cross, PI

Good Grief: “Crossing Cross is what makes Cross cross.” In theaters 2013.

From 72-year-old man pulls gun on his neighbor over fart:

Shop 101: I call bullsh*t. How would anybody know if someone farted in New Jersey?

From Tyler Perry was disappointed with Prometheus:

Stallonewolf: “Come see some contrived bullsh*t reason for Tyler Perry to be in space in Madea’s Ex Machina!“

Sadly, Tyler Perry read that wrong and is now making Madea: Sex Machina.

From The trailer for Paul Blart’s Mixed Martial Farts:

Good Grief:
Referee: “Round one…fight!”

Paul Blart: “Hey! Don’t call me the round one, Captain Pajamas!”

I guarantee this joke is in the film somewhere.

And finally, from old man fart fight:

Lord Quall:
In eight grade I farted in Mrs. Kowalchuck’s history class. Everyone laughed and she didn’t say a thing. I let another one go and once again everyone laughed, this time she asked whoever was farting to stop; which I replied with another loud fart. Mrs. Kowalchuck then stopped and asked who was farting and of course no one fessed up.
When she started teaching again I felt a good one brewing in my stomach, so I decided I’d build it up to make it extra loud. When it came out it was one of the most extraordinary farts I’ve ever heard.
Mrs. Kowalchuck spun around and demanded to know who was farting, I slowly raised my hand and she asked me why I keep farting in her class. I told said because it’s funny, she asked me why it’s funny and I couldn’t elaborate on WHY farts are funny. She told me I had to write her a report on why farts are funny for the next day or she would send me to the office.
I went home and couldn’t figure out why exactly farts were funny, but I instead wrote a report on the different kinds of farts and the ideal situations to do them. The next day I handed it to her and she gave me a blank stare and said she didn’t think I’d actually write one.
We had some class reading to do that day, so while we were reading Mrs. Kowalchuck began reading my paper. She bursted out laughing and said she HAD to read it out loud to the class. The class loved my paper and Mrs. Kowalchuck actually thanked me for putting in the effort. She also showed it to every teacher in the school, as well as the Vice Principal and Principal. The Principal ended up scanning the paper and framing it in his office.
TLDR: I achieved my life’s greatest success in eight grade.

That wasn’t a comment, it was a commenter origin story. Well done.

Once again, if you see a comment you think it’s particularly clever or noteworthy over the course of this week, copy and paste it in the comments section below to nominate for our next comments of the week (it helps me keep track). And as always, happy commenting.

**Your eyes, if you want to get technical.